I'll Never Get Back What I Lost Track Of

There was a time when I was hoping to have a better friendship with this classmate who I used to like. It's been a while since I actually liked someone and had a reason to be in the same room as them. Unfortunately, they never meet my self-imposed expectations 

My time with this collective group of disappointments is coming to an end and I know it could've been better. I could've done so much more. So much more. And this is my reward. I can't say it's not fair but I dislike it. I didn't do a goddamn thing.

There was a point where I expected things to go differently. It was in the program's early stages, and I was still trying to be this friendly person who introduced himself to everyone because I wanted to make connections for this new career I was pursuing. As time went on, they just stopped acknowledging me for some reason. I still don't know why and I resent a lot of them for it.

Well, let's get the dramatic description of how I saw things and how I expected something out of the way again.

---

I finished the quiz that day, half an hour early, and had lots of time to calm down. I wanted to calm down and relax somewhere. I didn't know anyone else that well yet so those storylines and social links haven't started yet. I remember it would've been a great opportunity to talk to the girl I like, the one I have a big crush on, but I could never get any opportunities. I sat on this yellow bench outside my classroom. Not the best seat but it'll do. I put on my earphones and listen to some HAIM. The song, "Lost Track". Very appropriate.

♫ Mastered my own luck

But it wasn't easy

I'm tryin' to feel alright

Around all these people

I try, but I'm just numb

This time ♫

As the song played through my earphones, I just thought, well, nothing's gonna happen today so might as well just stay in my own head.

Then without warning, she comes from around the corner, finishing a phone call. I recognized that blonde hair anywhere. As she sat down on the same bench, I thought, this must be a joke, right?

A chance to talk to someone I admire just came out of nowhere. How often would that happen? 

"Oh hey," I said casually. "Everything okay?"

She smiled and nodded. "Everything's good. How are you?"

"I'm okay, just vibing," I said jokingly, trying to be a cool guy. "So tell me more about your life story."

She told me more about herself, which I've wanted to hear for several weeks now. It was nice to know more about this person through casual, lighthearted conversation. We exchanged details about our college lives, what we did in the past, and what were our backgrounds like.

She said she liked having her friend around so she can be humble. "I need her to humble me," she remarked. To this day, I still don't know what she meant by that.

Her friend came out and said they'd get lunch together. As disappointed as I was that it had to end, I'm glad it happened. "I'll see you around," I said.

"See you later, Ralph!" she replied, walking away, drifting into conversation with her friend.

That was a nice surprise, I thought. Can't wait till the next time.

I put my earphones back on and resume playing the song I was listening to.

♫ Meeting you caused a chain reaction (chain reaction)

I'll take the smallest crumb

But I'll never get back what I lost track of ♫

---

I remember writing a ton of these back in 2011, dramatizing my interactions with the women I've liked throughout the years. I always like putting it all in writing because I know I'll forget these moments in the future.

I'll admit that I really felt nice about that moment on the bench. Looking back, once again, it could've been so much more.

But You Make The Same Old Mistakes

The Doctor: You can't see me, can you? You look at me, and you can't see me. Have you any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone, I'm right here, standing in front of you. Please, just, just see me.

I'll admit I'm a dramatic man. I've done stuff to the point of insanity. Maybe it's the lack of interaction. Maybe it's how I find everyone disappointing lately. Maybe it's just me wanting to be seen by someone but really, it sucks not being able to connect with someone I'm infatuated with. There, I admit it. I make it plain and painfully obvious sometimes. I'm like an open book on a billboard.

It started at the bookstore. Last day to buy books before school starts. This fantastic-looking lady is buying books before me and sure enough, I heard her buy the same books I needed. 

The dramatic and romantic part of me instantly liked her. You know what? I can set the scene. I was a literature major after all. And you know what? Lemme tell you something dramatic in a way that only I can, literature major skills and depression combined. Usually, those work hand in hand with each other.

---

I arrived on campus a quarter to 10, not realizing that the bookstore opened at 10am. I walked into the VCC bookstore, hoping to find the books I needed. I overheard other people in the bookstore talking about books. Specifically, books I needed because I heard the term "legal office procedures" being said.

There she was. 

Oh lord, why? I thought. She looks fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

She buys the books I needed, and she inadvertently worried me that she bought the last set I need.

Thankfully she didn't. She and I stood side by side in the cashier line and I got curious. "Hey, are you also taking the legal administrative assistant course?" I asked.

She smiled and said, "Yeah, you too, I assume?"

That smile is infectious, I'll admit. I finally had a smile on my face that day. "I am, yeah, so I guess we'll be classmates."

We each paid for our books and she headed out the exit first. I stayed behind to catch a final view of this woman.

"I'll see you in class!" she says with a smile.

"I'll see you soon... classmate."

The song "New Person, Same Old Mistakes" by Tame Impala plays in the background as she walks away.

♬ Feel like a brand-new person

(But you make the same old mistakes)

Well, I don't care I'm in love

(Stop before it's too late, I know) ♬

---

I know that's not exactly how it went and I had to cut a few parts out such as dialogue and other places where I saw her but that's the gist of it.

But as time went on, it's taken a toll on my mental health, this lack of acknowledgment and social link progress. I admit I expected too much. I know I'm never gonna see her again. I just need to tell her that I liked her just for my own closure because I sometimes think I'll regret it if I don't say it. I can't promise myself it'll be good or turn out well but knowing how I can't shut up about it mentally, it'll be... fantastic.

And that's how my dramatic mind works.

 

No Love Lost, No Love Found

Dear classmates and to whom it may concern,

I wanna say thank you for welcoming me with open arms... But you didn't.

Even in the first day, there was already exclusion. All I wanted was to get to know you more. Make a few friends here and there. Make solid connections for future work.

But as time went on, I saw that it was impossible. You showed your true colors but luckily I'm not color-blind. I wanna say I'm sorry... But I won't. And for what? I've even tried mending imaginary fences from no fault it my own. With that being said, I really wished things could've been better but I already saw how it was.

Thank you for adding to the stress of my mental health. Thank you for never acknowledging me whenever I tried to reach out. Thank you for basically never giving me the time of day. I don't appreciate being just another body to pass by but that's what you basically did.

I hope to never see the majority of you ever again. I don't wish you well because why should I? The majority of you never wished me well. And I don't wish you good luck. I wish you would all just disappear. I cannot stand the thought of you interacting with me again. I cannot stand your voices and I never want to see you in my line of sight again.

 

Sincerely,

RALPH

RDLA:rdla

Marie and Erin

"All those bright and shining companions! ...But not anymore?"

The Doctor: No.

"If I may ask, why not?"

The Doctor: They leave. Because they should, or they find someone else. And some of them, some of them... forget me. I suppose, in the end... They break my heart.

I'll admit I'm not a good person to keep around. Sometimes I just like saying things out to the universe to keep me sane because it's better than keeping it all inside. So this is one of those times.

I'm not gonna say anything new about friendship - I know I'm bad at it - but I do miss my friends from time to time.

I used to have a good friend named Marie. A really good friend. I called her my person. I know it didn't end on the best of terms but I really do get reminded of her sometimes. When I was in the psych ward, I remember I missed Marie. I missed my old best friend who can talk me out of doing horrible things to others and to myself. I felt like I failed her again.

There are instances where you meet someone new and they remind you of someone you've lost. I've had that multiple times and I like to think it's the universe telling me to try again this time but do it better, don't do anything wrong, and try to avoid the same mistakes. I met a classmate named Erin and she was fantastic. Quiet but fantastic because she made me feel good about myself.

She had to drop out of the course because of personal reasons. When I lost contact with Erin, I felt it was Marie all over. It still stings.

Erin listened to me about a lot of things. She listened when I told her about my infatuation with my classmate. I would say "oh my god, Jamie doesn't reply. What the hell?" but she said she still wished things could be better. "I ship you and Jamie" she once said. And that's when I knew I had a friend who's worth keeping around because she supported my stupid crush. It felt nice to be validated rather than "she's too pretty for you". Erin felt like someone I could talk to about what I could've done in progressing this social link with Jamie. I always knew it wasn't going to happen but Erin humored me but made me feel optimistic about it.

Honestly, Erin reminded me of Marie. She was there to listen and I gave her the right to open up to me. I felt good about myself because someone saw me as a good person and it felt nice. Erin listened to me when I opened up and I listened to her when she had problems. I really wanted to be there for her. I really wanted to keep her around for years to come because oh my god, it's a new friend.

 

In the end, that's all we're left with. Moments. Memories. Things left unsaid.

Everybody leaves and it's always sad. Everybody moves on. Mostly from me.

Ah well...

Rebecca

Look, I know you're never gonna read this but this is more for me and it's something I just need to say into the ether. Let me be selfish for once and let me not do things to make you happy. Because I really was happy to know you. And I won't forget the nights in New West. I wonder if it could've been so much more.

I only contacted you again recently to see if you were single. But you're not. And you're married now. And I couldn't accept that and have you in my life again at the same time because I know I'd be jealous.

Yet, I did miss you for a time. You taught me a lot about responsibility and accountability. You taught me a lot about what women go through and you taught me to be a better person. You got me into Grey's Anatomy. Without you, I wouldn't have binged 16 seasons of the show. I enjoyed watching it with you and I'll never forget that.

That's how I want to remember you. The girl I really liked who I enjoyed meeting up at the pier in New West. The girl who at one point would drop everything for because I wanted to cheer you up. Everything was okay because I was talking to you. That's all I have now.

I'm genuinely... not happy for you. I'm not happy for you at all. I'm not happy you're married. That's the selfish part of me. I could say that I am happy and "I wish you and your American husband the best" but I'm not because I don't feel that at all. I'm not happy for you, as petty and selfish and bitter as it is. I genuinely had feelings for you you but sometimes things aren't meant to be and the storyline doesn't play out. 

To paraphrase a Doctor, I just wanted you to see me. You never saw me. You looked at me and you couldn't see me. Do you have any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone anymore. I was right there. Standing in front of you, telling you "Please just see me."

Clearly, that was a mistake on my part because I'm not allowed to be happy. I'm selfish, I know.

Goodbye, Rebecca.

From Getting That Judging Look Last Wednesday

Classmates, I'd like to thank you for welcoming me with open arms but... you didn't.

I remember last Wednesday and I got no eye contact when I said hello to the useless blonde hairballs I call classmates. I remember walking in, saying hello to one of them and I get a judging look for no reason. So I see how it is.

If you all are at fault, fuck you. If you're not, I apologize.

What did I ever do in this world to deserve empty-headed, hollow, indifferent, fucking dumb fuck classmates to not acknowledge me? For what? Not a goddamn thing. 

I'm old, I'm tired, I'm depressed, and I work with children.

Yes, this is my media scrum.

That's Gotta Be Cane

 "So Ralphy, why are you walking with a cane this week?"

I'm glad you asked, Ralph! I did cool guy shit and I'm paying for it.

So in front of the college building I go to, there's a bench that's close to the sidewalk. I've always wanted to jump onto it and jump off because why not? Back story, I like how I dressed on that Monday. Suit jacket with a hoodie and a sport shirt, jeans, and dress shoes. 

I can already hear a black cat say "Looking cool, Joker!"

So I thought, "Why not? I look good. Let's do this." So I jump on the bench, then off it. Then BAM! Dress shoes don't really have a lot of bounce to them, wooden heel and all. There was a moment of regret there because I felt my left heel hurt for a bit. I thought I could walk it off for the rest of the day, even going to the mall and buying a new sport jacket too.

Going home, that's when I felt it. My left heel hurt like hell and I felt like I couldn't walk. I knew that I wouldn't walk as well as I wanted without some support. So I bought a cane.

Cool guy getting cool guy things

The cane that I chose was buried under a batch of ugly floral or camouflaged canes that would look so out of place anywhere with anyone under the age of 95. Even the elderly from the 70's would say "tone it back on the color, maaaaan!" 

Honestly, I loved using it. I mean, it was still painful as hell but I felt cool using it. With the cane, I wanted to match it with outfits and get a good look out of it. Simply using a cane with a hoodie and sweatpants looks like I'm just too fat to walk. With an overcoat, it just feels class, or may I say, cool dude shit.

"Bring me the Batman!"

A classmate of mine said I looked like The Penguin from the Batman comics, which I still find cool, surprisingly. All I needed was a monocle and I'm set!

So yes, that's my story of why I walked with a cane for a week. Cool guy shit.

For The People I Knew

Lately, it's not been good socially. With school happening and work on the weekends, I can admit I haven't been social and getting new social links nowadays. Classmates are good, not great, I'll admit. Friendships could be better but I don't know. I'm a slow starter. It's not always clicking as it once did with certain people.

Speaking of certain people, the phrase "people come and go" come to heart. Personally, it's hard for me to keep people around. I admit I'm not a good person. I'm trying. I really am. And I don't know how to get better at it. A part of me is good at self-sabotage, ruining things easily because I feel like I don't deserve good things. I thought this part of me had been suppressed because I'm too good at suppressing emotions until they burst out. Thank you, Vancouver Community College 6th floor stairwell, for being my safe space. I refer to it as "my stairwell" during counseling.

If Grey's Anatomy has elevators, Ralphy has the stairwell

It's easy to tell someone they do good. It's easy to tell someone that they're a good person. The hard part is that person has to believe it. That person has to understand that all they do is good and that people are right.

I've lost people. And surely, I'll keep losing people. It doesn't get easier. It just hurts less and you get used to it. But it doesn't stop.

Mental Note I'm Posting Online For Some Reason

I just wanted to tell you that I liked you. Like, a lot. I've liked you since the beginning of the program. And I know I'm not gonna see you again. Not like this, not with this damn old face. And before I go, I just wanted to tell you that you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what?

...So was I.

Video Game Thoughts - Xbox One Love

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Last time I was in confession was in 2014 when I confessed I like mobile games. I always thought I was a Sony fanboy at heart, not that it's a good thing or anything. Just a self-observation. I still played the occasional mobile game whenever I get the urge to. Two of my favorite mobile games have been Arknights and Genshin Impact, a better version of Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Yeah, I said it.

Zelda games don't come with adrenaline rushes caused by gambling

Sorry, Father, I got on a tangent there. Out of half impulse and half intrigue, I bought an Xbox One. Not even the most recent one - the Xbox Series X - because it's even scarcer than the PlayStation 5, which is surprising. I bought an Xbox One secondhand, because why would I spend "new console" money on something that I have a better version of?

It was originally supposed to be just a machine for Game Pass, this subscription service that's like Netflix but for games. My friend suggested that I get Game Pass for my laptop because I have a capable one now. Then got impulsive and bought a new console instead. The first game I actually played through the service was Life Is Strange: True Colors, part of my favorite series, which made the whole thing worth it. Honestly, for one subscription fee, I could download hundreds of full games (storage space willing) and basically play them until my subscription ended. The first month was a dollar as it was Microsoft saying "hey, the first one's (kinda) free!" I hear that's how cocaine addicts start their journey; their journey to cocaine but a journey nonetheless.

I stopped subscribing to Game Pass because I realized that I only have so much storage space on the system. The Xbox One I bought has 500 gigabytes of storage but 150 of that is used for the system operating system so I'm stuck with 350 gigabytes, which may seem like a lot but consider that some games go up to 100 gigabytes alone so 2 and a half big games would basically eat up my system.

The next dilemma I had was buying games I wanted for the system. Having a PlayStation 4 years ahead of getting an Xbox One put me in a crisis on what to get. Do I rebuild my collection of games for the PS4, basically starting over again but now the cases are green?

What I realized when buying used Xbox One games, they can get cheaper because it seems that people have given up on physical games for the system in exchange for Game Pass. Because think about it, 18 dollars gets you access to hundreds of games while that same 18 dollars would get you one used game on average. With the rise in the usage of Game Pass and the Xbox One system having a digital-only version, I assume people have just gotten rid of their physical games. Why bother putting all these green boxes in shelves when you can just download them with no shelving commitment?

I somehow thought it would be a nice Assassins Creed machine so I started collecting various games of the series. I never really rekindled my love for the games since The Ezio Collection, which is basically me saying that I prefer Dynasty Warriors 4 because I started with it. So I eventually started building up my collection of games for the system.

Unlike my PS4 collection, this is basically all I have (FOR NOW)

 

Buying games I've already played on the PS4 just gave me a reason to play them again. Gotta get all those achievements for my gamer score. I got lucky finding a copy of Deadpool, which is apparently so hard to find nowadays and realizing years later that I shouldn't have sold my copy of it in 2015. 

A game I never really played in my life was Halo. I never owned an Xbox system ever nor have I played it on PC. So I finally got around to playing Halo: Master Chief Collection, which I felt like I missed out on all my life. I love playing campaigns of first person shooters. I love Call of Duty games because of the campaigns so the Master Chief Collection just gave me a ton of games to play through. I played Halo: ODST first because it's the first game on the timeline and after so many deaths and wasted ammo due to piss poor accuracy, it was a good experience. I'm currently halfway through the first Halo game and even after all these years, it's fun for a first timer like me.

Overall, I loved my impulse buy. It's been a great experience because I haven't had a new console in a while and building a collection is definitely a fun hobby.

Moral of the story here is that you should listen to your impulses because they're always good.

What's that, Father? Sorry, I forgot I was still in the confession booth. Penance is one rosary? Thank you, Father.

School, You See?

After quitting my old job back in February for reasons (IE emergency room, playing "Chasing Cars"-in-my-head-related reasons), I didn't work for several months. What I wanted to do was find another job but I was scared of going back to my old ways and possibly relapsing again, leading to another trip to the psych ward.

"If I lay here~ If I just lay here~"

I remember going home from the hospital and my sister suggested that I go back to school. It was a point of contention with my old manager who kept meddling in my personal life. "Go back to school or stay in this store forever." The problem is that I liked working in that store until he came back and was just insufferable out of nowhere. He wanted me to go to school with him, but I didn't and he got mad and attacked me personally. I didn't consider him anything other than a work friend so why bother? This tough love shit was already exhausting and burning me out. 

This led to an existential crisis that ended with me in the psych ward, as mentioned before. It wasn't the best experience. The food was good though. Hospital shepherd's pie? Surprisingly tasty. The walk of shame going out? Surprisingly not fun.

I didn't wanna stay in the same job forever and I felt trapped in this shitty, high-pressure job for several years. I felt like I couldn't make the best of it any longer but I tried and it burned me out too much. I wanted to at least have a good time with it but with the amount of annoying work and disregard for mental health the job gave me, it wasn't worth it.

It was when I had to run everything by myself that gave me the time of my life. It was great. They couldn't take that away from me. I loved it because it gave me a glimpse of what I wanted eventually. However, I couldn't stay there in a toxic environment.

After 6 months of not working and basically enjoying life, figuring out who my real friends are, figuring out who my good friends are, I felt like I regenerated to a new self. 

"KIDNEYS! I got new kidneys! I don't like the color."

There was a time I was very, very anxious to go out because I knew what I was capable of doing now. But I feel like going back to school was a good step forward. I had my months of recovery with no work and I loved it, but now it's time to actually make a step forward.

I wanna feel good about myself. And I don't know how.

So far, I've been trying my best to actually be a good student. With getting A's, which I never got a lot of in high school or college, I wanted to be consistent and maybe then, I'll feel good about myself. But so far, that's not working.

Philippines 2022

It's been 4 years since I've set foot in the Philippines again. I was supposed to visit in 2020 but COVID-19 happened so I ended up going to North Carolina. Not that there's anything wrong with that. In fact, it was my first time visiting the US. I liked going there because of the clubs and seeing my cousins who I haven't seen in more than 5 years. But the problem was that it wasn't home. 

I was trying to do a multiple post series of my trip back in 2018 but I just couldn't find the words anymore, to be honest. It was tough, and I just didn't know how to write it all down.

Instead of a 14-hour flight like before, going to the US was a 6-hour flight. Personally, I love long flights and I think flights should be at least 8 hours. It just lets me relax and unwind while sitting uncomfortably in a seat with the possibility of being woken up by turbulence. I joke but I really like the plane experience.

It was great. This trip was better mentally because it was the first vacation I've had with no emotional baggage from ex-friends. I was already off work since February and one of the reasons I left was because they wouldn't let me take a month off to go to the Philippines. Excuse me if we were understaffed but I was able to do it myself. But I digress.

The only thing I wasn't looking forward to was the weather. It was way too hot and humid. I remember sweating like a roasting pig when I first got out of the airport. I immediately missed the Canadian fall weather. The big difference is that Canadian summers are uncomfortably dry and it's horrible. The problem with the Philippine weather I encountered was that it's always hot. It would rain hard and it would still be hot. Even at night, it was still hot. Maybe I'm just used to Canadian weather.

I'm always a sucker for malls. There's a mall named SM Fairview and the last time I was in the Philippines, it was just a rundown mall. That's apparently changed in the years since because I absolutely adore that mall. It used to be dark and unappealing to the eyes but surprisingly, it's been fun! Except for the lower ground floor where people line up by the dozen to a chicken restaurant for the unlimited rice. I perfectly understand why and I don't blame them. I'd do it too. I'd bring a fanny pack just to take home extra rice.

Another mall I loved going to since 2018 was Ever Gotesco. It's an old mall with lights being dim, and the department store looks like it's over 50 years old. It definitely needs a makeover but how do you redesign a department store without losing revenue, right? There are also stalls on the lower ground floor where you can buy cheap or knockoff clothing and accessories. Of course, being someone who looks for drip, I bought a Louis Vitton bag for 8 dollars. It's my favorite souvenir from that mall.

At the house my family stayed in, I met a stray dog that was brought in by the maids. His name is Bruno. I kinda regret not bringing him to Canada but I know I wouldn't be able to take care of him well. I remember he had worms so deworming him would cost more here. I miss him. He's grown so much now, barely recognizable to others but I know that nose anywhere. Bruno was the one that made me wanna get a pet so eventually, I adopted my pet cat named Chandler. I appreciate what Bruno was to me.

I think it was the first time I didn't cry at the airport after a trip. I feel like it's because I had such a good time and I know I'll be back again soon. The problem that I have now is my grandmother passed away recently and this was the last time I saw her. I promised to see her next year but I didn't mean it in these circumstances. 

"So hello, Ralph, what's up?"

I'll admit, I'm not in the best mood lately. Well, I haven't been up to anything after February 26.

I don't think I detailed everything when I posted about that date. What really happened was that I ended up at the psych ward after the ER. I had planned to end it all that day until I was stopped. I then just asked to be driven to the ER instead.

I imagined what it'll be like in Grey's Anatomy and I'm the patient of the episode.

Alex Karev: What do we got?

Meredith Grey: Male, 29, admitted himself here because of suicidal tendencies.

Karev: That's it? Give him a lollipop and get him outta here.

Meredith: Alex!

It was too much. I didn't like what I was doing for a living and I thought I was just stuck in a toxic environment. I thought there was no way out.

So yes, that's what's up.

I Know Alone

Lately I've been distant. And I'm okay with it?

There is a part of me that says "Acknowledge me!" and another part of me says "Shut the fuck up!" It goes both ways.

"Shut the fuck up!" is my reaction to certain people who I cringe at when they message me, or people who I just simply don't vibe with because they don't really seem to hold a conversation pretty well.

"Acknowledge me!" is just the useless part of me trying to socialize with people I wanna be friends with but they're giving me the "Shut the fuck up!" treatment, which sometimes I don't blame them for. People have lives and all but not when you're online and posting shit. I don't know. I blocked several people who gave me that treatment.

I'm fine with that. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em.

I know alone like no one else does.

Video Game Thoughts - Pokémon Power

With a Nintendo product, a huge requirement for it to be actually worth buying is a Pokémon game. At least, that's how I see it. Maybe that's why the Wii U failed as a console and not the 29 other reasons. Had Pokémon Ultra Sun and Moon been released on the Wii U instead of the 3DS again and maybe we'd still have better memories of the said tablet-tainted console

It was either Pokémon Sword or Shield. I bought Pokémon Shield because my friend convinced me in the stupidest way possible. We were at a GameStop when an attractive blonde woman was buying a new Switch and a Pokémon game. My friend was looking for games and we were in line so I might as well. 

Gamestop Employee: What can I get you?

Ralph: Pokémon Shield please! Pretty lady buy Shield! Me want Shield!

That's exactly how it happened.

So far, the game has been easier than expected. There's a system that shares experience points with all the Pokémon in your team, which made the game easier. At some point, I felt like my Pokémon were too strong, around 8 levels higher than most of my opponents'. Basically, every time I got challenged by someone, I'd just be fighting for easy money with my team basically saying, "oh you don't know what you're in for, kiddo."

COVID Beach

Well, I don’t think I went and did a full-on post about when I had Covid-19 in the second week of January so why not? It was a miserable experience so why not dramatize it? First off, I’d just like to say that I am fully vaccinated and even got a booster shot to boot. I joke about how it’s enabling 5G in me or how it’s the government “controlling” me. 

me when I got my 2nd vaccination shot

In the first week of January, we were understaffed in my old job because a coworker was out with Covid too. It was just me and a part-timer so that meant it was just me doing majority of the work. I didn't want to get anyone else from a different store to help me because that just meant I've got to help them on how I wanted things done. It was more of a hassle that way. So I basically worked for 8 days straight and did a bunch of overtime too so 10 hour days for 8 days in a row? When I'm used to 6 days at most? Not a good idea. I did enjoy working by myself though and being the only guy in charge. I had fun. It was nice to just do things on my own in my own OCD kind of way.

Dates

Of course, I still haven't met anyone. Are you crazy? If I meet someone, I'm sure she'll tell me to delete my blog and such. 

The women I like would never like me back and the ones who I do try to date are, for a lack of a better word, "crazy". Honestly, it's hard. I've said it before: the ones I've had a connection with either left, gone crazy, been toxic, or just ran away.

There were two that have been the worst and they stand out.

I was so close to meeting up with one girl. She had already scheduled a babysitter for her kid and we were gonna get ramen after work.  Then she said we weren't compatible because of our horoscopes so she canceled. I honestly don't know how that works so I was just confused.

There was also a girl who I thought I had a good rapport with until she told me her prices. You know, how much to do whichever. That was just disappointing, to be honest.

Maybe I'm just broken after what happened recently. Maybe this is as close as I get to anything. 

Feb 26

When your brain is on autopilot, you have a choice of letting it continue on or you take back control.

Do I regret attempting? In a way, no, but I wish it hadn't had to come to this. 

I spent the whole morning in the psychiatry unit, unsure of what was happening to the outside world. I just kept on apologizing to every nurse who helped me. They said that's what they're there for but I still felt like their efforts were wasted on me. The psych nurse said it was both a good thing and a bad thing that I thought about others this way.

Thankfully I'm getting the help I need. I don't know how long it takes for me to be okay again. I feel like I'm dangling by a thread.

Be Positive

 I've tested positive for Covid recently.

I now want to hallucinate that I'm on a beach, meeting people from my past like in Grey's Anatomy.