Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 32]

In celebration of Valentine's Day, I'm posting updated versions of my favorite series "How I Never Met Your Mother", a clear ripoff of How I Met Your Mother. I posted these two years ago and I would love to have them here on my main blog. Why? Because I actually loved writing this particular arc that led to why I absolutely hate everything about Valentine's Day. Screw that holiday and everyone who likes it!

Ahem. On with the post.

Original Title: How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 32] – The Plush Pink Puppy (Part 1)

Kids, in the first episode of the TV show “How I Met Your Mother”, the lead character Ted Mosby steals a blue French horn for his love interest at the time named Robin. That blue French horn was meant to be a symbol of what Ted and Robin could be. No, I didn't spoil anything for you because that was the first episode of a show that ran for 9 seasons.

After seeing several guys outside the College of Tourism and Hospitality Management (CTHM) building with balloons and a sign that said "Happy Birthday", I jumped to the conclusion that it was for a girl named Jill.

I was starting to really like Jill at the time. We met on Twitter and have been talking to each other ever since.

I was with my friend Jan when that grand gesture happened outside of the CTHM building (where Jill was studying at the time) and a day after Jill's birthday (December X, where X is the appropriate number between 5-9).

Jan: Would you look at that? How pathetic.

Ralph: Totally--Wait... That's CTHM... No... No... Oh god, no.
Jan: What's up?
Ralph: This girl I like. It was her birthday yesterday! Damn it! These guys are doing it for her!
Jan: Dude, you gotta make an impression on her.
Ralph: You think so?
Jan: Yeah, so she'll know you're there.

I asked your Aunt Angel what could be a good gift. Jill has been joking that I should get her a pink puppy and I actually considered buying one.

Ralph: Angel, where can I get a pink puppy?
Angel: You can’t. You have to buy an actual puppy and dye it pink.
Ralph: Now how much do puppies cost?
Angel: Puppies are expensive! And the pink dye would kill it in a few weeks.
Ralph: Ugh! Darn it.
Angel: Can’t you ask her what she wants?
Ralph: Then that would kill the surprise. I’ll think of something. 

I told Jill the harsh reality of dyeing a puppy pink when she brought it up again.

Jill: Ralph, I want a pink puppy.

Ralph: I can't. Animals aren't allowed in campus so I can't deliver it to you.
[I was entirely sure about this. I actually checked the student handbook.]
Jill: You have a car and a driver! Deliver it to my building!
Ralph: You do know that if I dye a puppy pink, it'll die, right?
Jill: Really?
Ralph: Yes! It would only last a week and it'll die.
[I'm not entirely sure about this though.]

Oddly enough, a week before Jill and I ever met, she posted her wish list online. One of the things there that seemed a little less costly and easy to buy was a plushie of a minion from that movie Despicable Me. You know, those little yellow things in overalls that I told you about. 

Yes, those little annoying things.

I promised to get Jill a stuffed minion. I went to a mall named Greenhills to do some Christmas shopping. Okay, I say it was "Christmas shopping" to not look like a dork. My only intention was to shop for Jill's gift but buying my friends gifts seemed secondary. Hell, I just thought about buying my friends gifts while I was looking for Jill's. Looking back, it’s a horrible reason to put your friends secondary.


When I had gone to Greenhills, I asked the all the kiosks, all the stalls that sold toys for that stuffed minion. I looked around toy stores and any store that had anything that had the color yellow on it. Despite my efforts, I found none. I went to a toy store in the mall there called Toy Kingdom and they said they ran out of those minions weeks ago. I thought I should just give up and go home. I mean, I already found gifts for my friends and I didn't even need to buy anything for myself. 

I was already heading for the exit until I remembered what Jill was constantly bugging me about several months ago.

Jill: I want a pink puppy.

Jill wanted a pink puppy but I knew that you can’t dye actual puppies because that would kill them, as said by your Aunt Angel. So what was the next best thing? A plush pink puppy. I left all my presents for my friends in the car with my driver.

Driver: Are you ready to go?

Ralph: Just one last thing.

I rushed back to the toy store and looked at the stuffed toy section. I noticed a small yet fluffy pink puppy in a bin of other stuffed animals. I grabbed it and checked the price – 400 pesos.

Ralph: 400 pesos for a stuffed puppy? My goodness, that is not a good purchase. I should just head on home and save my money.

[That’s what I should've said.]
Ralph: Oh god, yes! This is great!
[That's what I really said.] 


So after buying that overpriced pink puppy, I thought it would be sweet if I wrote “Belated Happy Birthday and Advanced Merry Christmas”. And to top it off, I even wrote our Twitter usernames on the card because Twitter was how she and I got acquainted. She was starting to be a friend and I always do good things for friends. My friends would tell you otherwise but that’s another story.

I had the gift and I had Jill’s schedule. I was ready to meet Jill. I was Ted. She was Robin. And this plush pink puppy was gonna be the blue French horn.


Clearly, I expected too much.

(Ralph from 2014: You can read the next part here)

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Video Game Thoughts - Grand Theft Auto V

Another reason why I'm not doing a lot of blog posts or videos. Grand Theft Auto V is something that I wasn't looking forward to since Grand Theft Auto IV was a horrible gritty game with horrible driving physics. Driving cars there is "realistic", if "realistic" meant that the cars would handle like the wheels were dipped in caramel and the road was coated in butter.

Surprisingly enough, the game was on sale on Boxing Week 2013 so it went to 40 dollars instead of 60. I traded in some games I knew I wouldn't play in a million years and I got that price down to 20. 20 dollars for GTA V is a hell of a deal.

I was not expecting to enjoy GTA V, especially the online aspect that came with the game. Look, here's my character, who's supposed to look like a cross between me and Steven Seagal.

I even play with my friend Raffy. Here's a picture of his character dressed like an elf.

Overall, I'm loving GTA V so far. Sure, I haven't finished it and some of the missions make me want to strangle the characters (Fuck you, Tonya!) but hey, it's the best GTA game I've played so far.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy New Year

Well, 2013 was horrible but we've made it through. I'd like to thank the people who I have considered as friends regardless of distance.

Happy new year, everyone!