Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Rest In Peace, You Famous Person

It’s no secret that people die. It’s natural. It’s what makes everyone human and that no matter how much time we spend in the world, we’re all going to be worm chow sooner or later. When we eventually die, we’re remembered and forgotten by the people we love. This is the same for celebrities. They get remembered fondly for their public work but we will never fully know about their lives behind the camera.

The thing I would like to talk about here is how people react to celebrity deaths.

Celebrities die because, you know, they’re people. They’re people like you, me, the old man across the street, the tattooed drug addict who never pays bus fare, and the one girl you like in college but never really get a chance to talk to because they were busy with friends (I still like you, Michelle McTavish from 2nd year algebra class! Please notice me!).

Anyway, repressed college crushes aside; we know that people are affected when a person dies. We may not exactly have known the person who died but they have affected someone in some way. Whether they’re a friend, a classmate or a family member, someone who dies will affect someone else greatly in one way or another. (Michelle McTavish, I’m so sorry about your sister but I didn’t see her cross the street, okay? She still owes me a new bumper which her shins somehow dented!)

This goes beyond a new level when it’s someone who’s known by hundreds, if not thousands, of people.

Okay, let’s go for an example. I don’t want to use a real celebrity because I don’t wanna get sued or threatened by fans for fake killing their idol so let’s make up a celebrity here. Excuse me for a sec, I gotta think of a name.

And by “think”, I meant “generate randomly”. Alright, there we go. Now generate!

Okay, Hippocrates Gernot is our celebrity for now. Hopefully, I don’t insult any real people named Hippocrates Gernot out there. If I do, I’m sorry, blame, and hey, you got a cool name! Also, please don’t die because this will really be harsher in hindsight.

Anyway, we have Mr. Hippocrates Gernot who’s a big time Hollywood celebrity. He starred in movies such as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 2: Even More Spotlessalongside Jim Carrey. He was in Broadway musicals like Ben Franklin in Paris, Bombay Dreams, and Cats, because as we all know, Cats will never, ever die. Mr. Gernot even released songs that featured singers like Michael BublĂ©, Tegan and Sara, and Paul McCartney. He has also made TV appearances in shows like WWE Monday Night Raw,Hannibal, and Sherlock. What’s even better about him is that he refused to appear in Two and a Half Men and The Big Bang Theory.

Tragically, Hippocrates Gernot died after he was hit with a blimp. It kills over oneAmericans every year (Thanks for the statistics, Chandler Bing!). What’s even more tragic is that Hippocrates Gernot is bloody fictional because I was really starting to like him. When the news broke out that Hippocrates Gernot had died tragically, social media has been buzzing with sadness.

The hashtags “#ThankYouGernot” and “#WeLoveYouMrGernot” have been trending worldwide on Twitter for three days. People have been posting pictures of Hippocrates Gernot on Facebook with “Rest In Peace” written on them (along with the usual “1 Like = 1 Respect”). People have been putting flowers at the disaster site and blimp sales have gone downhill faster than your teacher making a couple of jokes in class.

You would think I’m exaggerating with the reaction for a fake celebrity death but if you’ve been on the internet long enough, you’d know that this is the exact same reaction you’ll see whenever a celebrity dies. You’ve seen it with Paul Walker. You’ve seen it with Michael Jackson. Cory Monteith, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, Robin Williams, Harold Ramis, and Philip Seymour Hoffman - When they passed on, there were hundreds, if not thousands, of tributes for them on social media and you can’t blame their fans for feeling sadness about losing people who they have considered dearly for entertaining them throughout the years. As you’ve seen earlier, the tributes for Hippocrates Gernot’s death were massive.

However, it’s absolute bullshit to say “I don’t care about Hippocrates Gernot. I care more about the 25,000 people who die every day” in public. Oh really now, Mr. Empathetic? Do you even know all those 25,000 people? What have you done lately for those 25,000 people that just died yesterday? What about the next 25,000 that will die tomorrow then? Have you given them some sort of sympathetic gesture lately? Do they have some sort of emotional impact on you as each day passes by? No, of course not! Where’s your tribute for each of them if you do care? And this happens every time there’s an outpour of tributes for a recent celebrity death.

Mostly, people who say they care about the 25,000 people dead people every day are just ticked off that their newsfeeds are filled with people saying “RIP (Insert Famous Person Here)” because they don’t care. As horrible as it sounds, it’s alright to not care! Indifference isn’t evil! It’s not genuinely good but it certainly isn’t evil. If you say “I don’t care about the 25,000 people who die every day but I care about this celebrity”, it’s a horrible sentence to say out loud. You’ll most likely get harsh responses that range from “Wow, you’re an asshole” to “HOW DARE YOU!!! I HOPE YOU GET KILLED BY MUTANT GENITAL HERPES!!!” However, if you just shut up, move on, and just talk about TV Tropes or something, you’re fine.

So what I’m saying here is that everyone has a right to express their sympathies and condolences in social media. However, there’s nothing wrong with silently being apathetic.

Do it the easy way: If people are mourning the death of a celebrity on social media, you shut the fuck up and ignore them because it doesn’t affect you. If a celebrity dies, who’s affected? The fans! Are you a fan? No? Then you shut the fuck up! If you want to care about the 25,000 people who die every day, then you post something about them every day instead of just saying that you care more about those people that you don’t know. Or better yet, just do something nice for 25,000 people every day and don’t brag about it on social media.

I’m Ralph Corleone and that’s my opinion.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Happy Birthday From Jim Sterling

On Jim Sterling's Twitch stream (30 minutes before actually typing this), I asked him if I could get a birthday greeting. He obliged and gave wonderful advice.

Friday, May 30, 2014

"Adriana" sent Ralph a message (Part 2)

Yes, Adriana's email was too long for one post. Plus, it was just so stupid with all of the misspellings.

If you missed part 1, click here. Other than that, let's go on with Adriana's long and rambling email.
do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a baror osmehting like that...
Craigslist will probably help you out since there are horny weirdos like you hiding in that website. And bar managers require their employees to have the ability to spell. "One bere and miartiani, comming uup!" doesn't really look too nice.
really anythgin cause my current job is funand all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. icurrently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be outmeeting people.. 

What do you do then? Telemarketing? Emails? Oh, oh, you're a Youtuber! I heard a lot of YouTubers are either attractive or stupid. Either way, people love them and they make money out of being stupid.
oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what idid? hmm shud i......???? 
This isn't a conversation, you know? You can just tell me instead of wasting ellipses and question marks.
ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded outon me.. 
I already am.
i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chatwith people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I KNOW..
Well, you do what you love and you never have to work another day, right? NO IT'S NOT RIGHT, YOU VAPID IDIOT!

How do you get paid though? Ad revenue? Sponsors? I mean, who would actually sponsor webcam chat when the audience is composed of guys jerking off in front of their computer?

Oh. Right.

like ifigure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and playwith myself heheh...
Yeah, it's like people uploading Let's Plays on YouTube. Why play video games when you can get paid to upload videos of you playing the video games? It worked so well for people on YouTube. Hell, even the YouTube guy with the most subscribers is an immature weirdo who screams a lot about rape in his videos.
anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NOTHATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need helponce i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....
I DO LOOK DOWN ON THAT! You get naked on camera for money! And apparently, you've done it so much that you can afford a house and move to my neighborhood! Don't you fucking dare talk to me if you ever see me walking down the street.
like isaid before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NONSTOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and imhopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..
If you can afford to move, why can't you buy a new computer? And don't you have a smartphone where you can send emails? You can afford a smartphone since you can move houses on a whim, right?

By the way, doesn't your email automatically save drafts? Why couldn't you just edit and send that draft instead of having to type everything over again since your computer constantly freezes? Maybe your laptop was attacked by a certain someone with freezing abilities...

ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives eachof us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code ucan lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay likeeveryone else...
Oh, so you do have a boss? Huh. That's... odd. I don't know what kind of credentials she has though. "Can you supervise naked weirdos? Yes? YOU'RE HIRED!"

Since you are giving me a session for free, why not just Skype? I really don't want to have to log in and see other girls I don't know shove cucumbers up their crotches...

the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we canchat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLYUSE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if morethan 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER...
Maybe I will share these codes. It's not like there are a lot of websites out there where you can see naked girls on webcam...

I said "naked girls", not "dicks".
 i figured u cudalways email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let melogin half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room...
Again, have you tried Skype? It's much better than some weird website no one's ever heard of. Wait, your email account doesn't let you log in half the time? What do you use? Lycos? Or maybe you just keep misspelling your password like a little kid. I'm going with the latter.
if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. butremember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUSTU... 
At least you're dedicated in keeping me happy... :)
im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( 
Yes, and you're doing so well with that education. What was it you're doing? Getting naked on webcam for strangers? You're like a low-class porn star. Hell, porn stars make better money than you.
Ireally thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evernremember me hahha.. 
I checked Facebook message history. I don't remember you at all... :(

anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably

soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. 

YES! PLEASE STOP WITH THIS RETARDED EMAIL! It was like you were typing with one hand while you were groping yourself with the other.

im gonna go start work.. ireally hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of mystress about the move... REALLY i mean that....
You're probably gonna have too much fun touching yourself before you even get to see me.
anyways once i see u ininsdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours..
Oh so you do have a cellphone! Use that instead of your shitty laptop! Wait, how do you know what I look like anyway if you can't find me on Facebook?
if u dont wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find menow days..
No, no, I know where I can find other people like you.

See? I even got 4 more emails from people like you.

 if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get thereafter my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. 
So you're telling me you won't be able to check your email account after you've somehow sent me this email because you're instantly cutting off your current internet connection to move? But you said you worked at home, getting naked on webcam! If you're computer keeps freezing, how are you able to work your "job"?! Do you have a second computer? If so, why not just use that to check emails?!
but im hopignto see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code imgonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLSINSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha...k babe im outfor now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana
Don't you fucking dare lick my balls, you horny weirdo. I hope your computer fries itself beyond repair and you lose your naked webcam job.

Well, that was fun actually. I absolutely enjoyed making fun of that email. Thanks for reading it all the way through and I hope Adriana didn't give you a headache with her bullshit spelling skills.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

"Adriana" sent Ralph a message (Part 1)

Checking my emails recently and got a really old spam. But the thing that I like about this particular email is that it's just so bullshit and specific that it's really bloody hilarious. It's apparently about Adriana and you talked to her once and she's been emailing you constantly. Here, see for yourself as I rip it apart.

Subject: "Adriana sent you a message...?"
BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive beentryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece ofgarbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been? 
*You're. And how much processing power do you actually need where sending emails freezes your laptop? I have two laptops and they don't freeze when I send emails but maybe that's because I use Google Chrome. Are you using an older version of Firefox? Internet Explorer perhaps?
In case u dont know who this is its ME Adriana.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and thenI think u deleted me :(
Oh, we used to chat a bit on Facebook? Here, lemme check my message history.

No, I don't see you here, Adriana. Lemme check older messages.

Nothing here as well. Let me try really old messages since you did say we used to chat a lot.

No! Nothing here as well! Adriana, you're lying to me and my message history. Sure, I delete people a lot to the point where I don't remember their names anymore since they don't matter now but never once have I deleted someone named Adriana because I have never had a friend named Adriana (as of this writing). You think I'd break off a friendship without even knowing that friendship existed?
haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things totell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke upabout 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEARU.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..
1) I don't really care if you're single because I didn't really know anything about our friendship until this email. And I assume he dumped you for a girl with a laptop that doesn't freeze. Also, this email is getting long so how is your laptop able to send this without freezing? Internet cafe?

2) Really now? 3 cousins and you chose to live alone near some guy you barely know on the Internet? Priorities, woman.

Also, how do you know where I live?! Oh right, freakin' Google Maps probably told you. My house is the one that has my name on the sign outside.

Yeah, that's the one. So that must mean your house is...

Oh my god, there you are! Wow! This is such a small neighborhood!

I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally can HAHA! im kinda scared to move..
 NEVER in my life have I ever told a girl I'd like to "chill" with her. I'd like to "hang out" with her or I'd like to "kill" her is something I'm more likely to say than "chill". And why did you move in the first place if you were too scared?
im hoping this email addy is stillthe one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe evenhelp me move my shit in...
Jesus Christ, now wonder your boyfriend broke up with you - you can barely spell. Either that or you're having a seizure as you typed this and yet continued to do so. And no, I won't help you move your stuff. Casual hookups don't help each other move stuff; people in relationships do.
are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui wassoo confused...
You couldn't find the user interface of your Facebook account? It's the first bloody thing you see when you log in to your Facebook account. My god, are you THAT confused about everything? First it's your spelling and now it's basically using the computer. Get help.
anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town andtake me out so u better be around bebe...
Yeah, I can totally show you around the pawn shops and the bus stops but that's basically where the tour ends.
we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know ubetter when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnttell u cause i wasnt single lol
Even if this is coming from a spam bot who says the same stuff, I still find that hard to believe. I mean, come on, you can tell me I'm cute! It's a compliment, not a marriage proposal!
ok so more info about me.. well im23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out fordrinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel..
So basically, you're the exact opposite of me.
 i have a lil kitty namedBOO and i luv her to death... 
She probably hates that you keep moving to the neighborhood of every guy you try to hook up with.
uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too butevery gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and allthat.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..
 I DON'T. I don't like sex! You don't know me at all, Adriana! How could you! After all those times you said we chatted! If we did chat, I'd have probably said "I think you look great", not "ur cute, let's fuck"!

Also, I find it funny that probably some guy out there fell for this and thought "WOW! She's perfect! Now I remember her!"
I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i getthere enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arentmarried yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there..
You've seen my message history! You weren't part of that!

And married? I'm still on practicum (as of this writing) and I do nothing but play video games on my days off! Why the hell would I be married when I still have Assassin's Creed Ezio Trilogy to finish?

10/10 Would recommend it to friends
No, Adriana, you can't come over to play!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014


Hey, better late than ever, eh? I'm finally graduating on May 22nd.

Okay, I may have imagined graduating with my classmates in UST but after everything that happened, I'd rather not. It just won't be the same. Yes, I feel like I'm graduating alone without my friends in Literature or anyone from UST but I guess that's what I get by moving to Canada.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Things I See - Grand Theft Auto V Psychological Test

I finished the video game Grand Theft Auto V last March 5, 2014 and after the credits, you get a psychological evaluation from the therapist Dr. Isiah Friedlander.

"I think you need a new therapist" (c) Rockstar Games

Yes, it's all about your actions in-game on how long you took to finish the game, which missions have you finished, and other stuff you can see here.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Things I See - Thank God For Me

Why yes, that is a friend of mine from the Philippines commending me for my vast and superior knowledge regarding... whatever. Maybe it's my knowledge of bitterness. Maybe it's my ranting and backstabbing skills. Maybe it's my knowledge of a few video games.

I don't remember what we were talking about here but I'm sure it was UST related.

And I'd just like to say...

Thank god for me!

Sorry, Jim Sterling...

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Here Comes The Boom, Ready or Not

So, this happened. A UST bomb threat.

A bomb scare in University of Santo Tomas startled the whole university, even though college bomb threats have never been legitimate. It's probably just some asshole who had some unfinished projects and didn't want to go to school so he/she thought that scaring the entire university would be a cool thing to do.

Ooh, a bomb will go off at the CTHM building, the AB building, the Engineering building, and one other building. How frightening, even though no one ever warns their victims of random acts of terror. Play with the people's lives, like how the person who sent this played with grammar and the English language by butchering it.

It's like Snake from Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater planting C3 (not C4) and getting ready to blow up a laboratory but then after going through all that trouble, he warns people with "Hey, this is going to blow up, guys."

I can understand The Joker wanting his victims to know that they're going to die but he traps them first and makes them realize that there's no hope and then he sets off the bombs he planted because The Joker wants his victims to suffer first before killing them.

Had this been real (it's not and will never be), this "bomber" should've had some Metal Gear Solid-like espionage tactics to have planted several bombs within those buildings, not get noticed by anyone, and decided he wants to blow up several buildings in UST. But then, why the hell would you text anyone and warn them? "Hey, I'm gonna blow up these buildings. You might want to get away. Kbye."

If you think about it, if this were actually real then this "bomber" would have the capability of having a few bombs that would go off at a specific time but judging by the lack of resources in the Philippines, that's impossible. Unless this "bomber" had some connections with some very smart people, I doubt that they had connections with anyone regarding the making of bombs that would go off in a specific time.

And in the end, nothing happened. No explosion. Just people getting scared. And a bunch of CTHM girls crying their eyes out.

Recent bomb threats in colleges have done nothing but cause hysteria and panic because there are assholes who still live in this world. Isn't that what bomb threats are usually for? Causing hysteria? Again, why would someone go through great lengths to make a bomb that would go off at a specific time, go through the trouble of sneaking around a la Solid Snake, planting those bombs in said UST buildings, and then warning his victims about it so they can escape? Nobody warns anyone if they're going to do a horrible act of terrorism because then your victims would've gotten away unless all you want to do is property damage and "you don't want anyone to get hurt".

I can imagine someone sending a spy to find these bombs and freeze them like what happened in Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty.

Yes, I think freezing a bomb would be sufficient.

Better yet, I can imagine Sherlock Holmes defusing the bomb by guessing a password on a phone.

This is totally what happened. Sherlock flew to the Philippines because he knew about this and he saved UST.

It's not like I don't care about anyone's safety (I really don't but that's not the point). The smart and subdued thing to do was have a team of people with one or two bomb experts quietly investigating said buildings without causing panic among the students. The only thing that went wrong is that several people have broadcasted the text on Twitter, which led to it being spread like herpes in a nightclub bathroom.

Perhaps next time, the best way to deal with a bomb threat is to just tell the officials and have them deal with it instead of broadcasting it on social media, causing more panic among the students. Again, no villain in their right mind would tell their victims of the chaos they'll do.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 34]

Now, let's finish this updated saga. Well, at least one part of the saga. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Original TitleHow I Never Met Your Mother [Part 34] – The Plush Pink Puppy (Part 3)

Kids, in December of 2011, as I walked to the Albertus Magnus building where Jill was, I thought of two things: first, would Jill actually like this gift? And second, why was it so damn hot outside? Okay, so December wasn’t really cold in The Philippines and wearing a jacket to meet a girl was a bad idea. I needed that jacket to look cool but the sweating was profuse. I thought I’d look and smell bad but thank goodness I had some cologne with me. But I digress.

When I arrived at the Albertus Magnus building, I thought I was gonna have my heart beating out of my chest because I was nervous. Jill’s section – 2T1 at the time – was in room 104A. I already passed by that room once so I knew where it was. Could I be more of a creep? When I thought it was all good, I suddenly had another problem:

Ralph: Oh god, how am I gonna give this to Jill?


I didn’t really think of that at all. I had the gift and I already had a reason to give it to her but I didn’t have a way to give it! Goddamn it, I thought. Do I excuse her from class if one of her professors were present? Do I just leave it outside her classroom? I didn’t plan it out. 

I was already in the hallway where Jill’s classroom was and I didn’t plan anything out. I was alone there – your Aunt Angel or any other of my friends weren't around to help me in that situation. If the ending of the anime School Days were to happen and I get stabbed, there wouldn't have been anyone to call for help.

As I was standing outside room 104-A, pretending to read the bulletin board and thinking about what to do, one tourism girl went outside the classroom. She was on the phone and was confirming with your Aunt Camille about my presence.

Tourism girl on the phone: Yeah, he’s here… He’s wearing glasses… In a jacket… He’s standing here so I know it’s him!

[I was laughing when she was confirming that it was me. I don’t know why. She puts her cellphone away and talks to me.]
Tourism girl now not on the phone: Are you Ralph? Jill’s here. You should go inside though.
Ralph: Wait, what?!
Tourism girl: You have to go inside. Jill won’t go out.
Ralph: Why not?
Tourism girl: She’s shy!

Okay, okay, let's pause for a second and ask some questions.

How did Jill know about this? This was a total surprise. I mean, I never asked for her schedule or anything. I never told her that I was going to deliver her a pink puppy. To this day, someone had spoiled the surprise by telling her about it.

Ralph: How'd she know about this?
[...Is what I should've asked. Instead I said...]
Ralph: Oh. Damn it. Alright, I’ll go.

I was hesitant as heck because in the back of my mind, this was entirely stupid and pointless. I wasn't a handsome guy at all so why would I be doing this kind of thing?

So I entered the classroom of 2T1 and they were all looking at the big guy in a jacket with a gift in hand. I felt like I was gonna get stabbed but I wasn’t there for that. I was there for Jill. When she saw me, Jill stood up and smiled. As I slowly approached her and handed her the gift, everything went into slow motion and my mind started talking to me.

Ralph's mind: Say something cool!

Oh crap. I didn't have anything to say. I needed to say something cool or witty or at least romantic. I had to think fast. In 2 seconds, I said…

Ralph: Hi, haaave you met me?

That... didn't go so well. I didn’t know what else to say. It was the first thing that came into my mind. Using a phrase Barney Stinson always used was my backup plan for any awkward situation.

My first meeting with Jill was great. She didn’t actually expect that I’d actually get her something even though I told her through Twitter to expect something, but I didn’t tell her that I’d deliver it personally.

Ralph: Hi. I’m Ralph. Jill, right?
Jill: What are you doing here?
Ralph: It’s Christmas and I felt like giving each of my good friends a gift.
Jill: How’d you—Where’d you—
Ralph: Okay, did this seem stalker-ish?
Jill: A little. I didn’t really expect it.
Ralph: Yes, because by the very definition of the word “surprise”, it’s not supposed to be expected.
Jill: Mean!
Ralph: Hey, I got you that pink puppy! I can be mean.
Jill: It’s not a minion from Despicable Me.
Ralph: Greenhills ran out of them so stick with the puppy.
Jill: I’m just gonna leave this here on the bulletin board…
Ralph: How could you be so mean?! I’m so tweeting about you.
Jill: Now that’s mean!
Ralph: I’m kidding. So how are you? 

That first conversation with Jill was great. She looked great. Her voice was... alright. Heck, I couldn’t even keep track of what she said at the time.

Ralph: You’re not gonna kick me now, are you, like how you’ve always threatened me?
Jill: Yes, I will! I’ll take my heels off and I’ll kick you!
Ralph: Really? With that uniform of yours?
Jill: Don’t you have to go yet?!
Ralph: Haha! Alright, alright. I’ll go, since you said so.
Jill: Thanks! Bye! 

Okay, I have to admit, there were some awkward pauses there. I know I messed up somehow but I didn't care. What mattered was that I gave a gift to Jill and I at least cemented our friendship.

(Ralph from 2014: UTTER BULLSHIT!)

As I left the building, I had a dorky smile on my face. I had never done anything like that ever.

When I got back to the classroom, I kept thanking Camille for giving me Jill’s schedule because without her help, I wouldn’t have been able to pull that off. Okay, I already did have the schedule from the CTHM dean's office but hey, I became friends with Camille.

I know it seemed a little creepy if you think about it, and I did realize that afterwards, but I apologized to Jill later that night if the gesture seemed creepy or stalker-like. She said it was alright and was actually the first nice thing I did for her after months of being mean. And that’s all I wanted to do.

Kids, sometimes you have to take a chance. You never know what could happen. If you're lucky, things would go right. However, not everything could stay right. It might just be the calm before the bitter storm, but I had to find that out the hard way.

(Ralph from 2014: Bloody hell, this was depressing to write again. You can read the first part right here or the previous part here)

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 33]

Okay, part 2 of this horrible saga. Yes, this is all in celebration of Valentine's Day. Woo hoo!

Original Title: How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 33] – The Plush Pink Puppy (Part 2)

Kids, December 15 of 2011 was the result of all the effort in trying to meet this girl I met online named Jill. Now the popular belief that meeting someone online would mean that the guy is a creep. I was not that guy. At least not yet but I'll get to that. I talked to Jill for almost three months, only getting to be sort of a close friend on November. I could say that because she said:


[Inside, I was thinking...]
Ralph: Huh. I gained your trust? AWESOME!
[Outside, I was saying something else...]
Ralph: Don’t worry. I won’t. 
Jill: Good! You're like my close guy friend!

Jill and I were somehow getting along pretty well, at least that's the way I saw it. I wasn't entirely sure if she felt the same but you wouldn't really bother calling someone your "close guy friend" if you didn't really consider them as a friend, right?

...Right? Nah, forget it.

To keep that trust alive (at the time), I decided to get Jill a gift – a plush pink puppy. I consulted your aunts about this and they said it was alright. And Christmas season was a great reason to give her a gift personally. I had already bought my friends gifts to prevent them from thinking that I was putting them aside over some girl, which in fact was true.

I gave the gifts to some of my friends early and kept Jill’s in my locker. I didn't want to bring it along anywhere for no reason. I might lose it and everything would fall apart.

I had the gift but the next problem was getting Jill's schedule. I could have asked her for it but then I thought:

Ralph: No, I can't ask her for her schedule. That would ruin the surprise.

I had to think of something that would look like it's from a romantic comedy. For some reason, I wanted to do something different from what I usually do. Yes, it was stupid but I wanted to test it out for myself because I don't know if I would ever do something like that ever again. To actually do that, I needed Jill's schedule somehow, as creepy as it sounds. Was it creepy? Looking back, of course it was. Do I regret doing everything? Of course I do. But at the time, I was a huge risk taker and I didn't mind seeing what would happen regardless of whether or not it was good.

I actually had the gall to go to the Albertus Magnus building, to the CTHM dean's office, and ask for Jill's class schedule. Now, Jill somehow knew which city I lived in at the time - San Juan - but I never had that disclosed in my online profiles at all. So I thought it'd be fair game to use her online information as a way to surprise her. Luckily, her section number was on her profile so that made it easier.

I asked the student assistant who was at the CTHM dean's office for the information.

Ralph: Hi, I'm looking for a particular tourism class's schedule?

Student Assistant: Which section is that, sir?
Ralph: Uhhh... I think it's 2T1. I have a friend there.
Student Assistant: Alright, here you go. Room 104-A, 1-2.30pm. It's the room just outside.

I finally got her schedule. I honestly thought it would've been hard to do so because I thought that was confidential information that the College of Tourism and Hospitality Management would keep. But somehow, I got a schedule of a friend and a gift for her. I was actually starting to like this girl. Outside the Albertus Magnus building, I had to process everything at that moment. I was close to having a mental breakdown after all of these thoughts had started to come together.

Ralph: No... No! Goddamn it, why am I doing this again? No, no, no, no. It's not gonna end well. This isn't gonna end well at all. She's not gonna like you, Ralphy. No. She doesn't. You're a friend. Nothing more.

If there ever was a musical score for that event, it would be this.

There's no happy ending, so they say, not for me anyway.

But then I thought I'd just take the risk and see what happens because it'll be a good story to tell one day. If it doesn't end very well, fine, I'll admit it didn't go well and I basically destroyed any and all friendship I had with Jill and I'll probably just be miserable. I was fine with that. Maybe.

On the way back, I met a classmate that I never have spoken to for a year - your Aunt Camille. Since freshmen year, I haven't talked to her since I thought she was a glitch (or something that rhymes with that). Somehow, she and I had started talking and she mentioned that she had some friends in Jill's class.

Ralph: Funny that you should mention that. I was actually looking for her schedule today.

Camille: I can get it for you if you want, you stalker.

Right then and there, Camille and I had became the oddest of friends. I've always told her that if it weren't for Jill, she and I still wouldn't be friends to this day.

A few days later, Camille approached me and told me something.

Camille: Ralph, you're starting to like Jill, right?

Ralph: ...Yeah, what about her?
Camille: I heard from a couple of people there in Jill's class that she's actually bossy.
Ralph: Wait, really?
Camille: Yeah, they don't really like her that much.
Ralph: I don't know what to say actually since she's always been nice to me.
Camille: I'm just warning you about her so be careful.

It was odd to get a warning from Camille about Jill. It makes me think that she actually gathered information on the girl I like to keep an eye on things. That was so awesome of her.

If I could recall correctly, on December 15, Jill had a 1pm class in room 104-A. My classes ended at 1pm that day so I needed to rush out of my class as soon as I could before her class even started. The perfect opportunity to deliver it was December 15, the day before the annual Christmas event that the university had. The day before that event usually meant that the teachers would have their own Christmas parties and the students would have 4 hours of doing nothing.

I had the gift ready. The card was ready.  I had the schedule ready. There I was in several vacant classes with your Aunt Angel.

Angel: Did you really get anything for CTHM girl?

Ralph: Yeah.
Angel: What’d you get her?
Ralph: Remember when I asked you how to get a pink puppy?
Angel: Yeah. Oh wait, don’t tell me you actually got it.
Ralph: Yes, I got a puppy, dyed it pink, and it’s suffocating in my locker as we speak.
[Sarcasm’s flowing here. Sorry ‘bout that.]

With two hours before 1pm, I started to get nervous about finally seeing Jill by surprising her. I thought that it would be uncalled for, despite the sweetness and spontaneity of the gesture. 

Ralph: Oh my god, what if she doesn’t like the puppy? Or worse, what if she doesn’t like me?

Angel: Relax, relax! What’s the worse that could happen?
[A lot. She could hate me and think I’m a stalker.]
Ralph: How about I let my friend Camille give this to her?
Angel: What?! No! You can’t.
Ralph: She’ll know from the card. Why do I have to give this to Jill?
Angel: Because you have to.
Ralph: Yeah, I know, I know. Damn it.

After conversing with my friends in multiple vacant class periods, I knew I had to leave the classroom sooner or later. I had to give the pink puppy to Jill sooner rather than later.

Ralph: So, it’s 5 minutes before 1. I gotta go.
Angel: Good luck! Tell me how it went!
Ralph: I don't wanna go...
Angel: You know you have to.
Ralph: Yeah. I'm off. See you later.

The moment of truth, kids. I left the classroom with the gift and headed out to CTHM across the university. It was going to be something from a romantic comedy, except it was real. There's no happy ending, so they say. Not for me anyway.

(Ralph from 2014: You read the previous part here. You head on over to the next part right here.)

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 32]

In celebration of Valentine's Day, I'm posting updated versions of my favorite series "How I Never Met Your Mother", a clear ripoff of How I Met Your Mother. I posted these two years ago and I would love to have them here on my main blog. Why? Because I actually loved writing this particular arc that led to why I absolutely hate everything about Valentine's Day. Screw that holiday and everyone who likes it!

Ahem. On with the post.

Original Title: How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 32] – The Plush Pink Puppy (Part 1)

Kids, in the first episode of the TV show “How I Met Your Mother”, the lead character Ted Mosby steals a blue French horn for his love interest at the time named Robin. That blue French horn was meant to be a symbol of what Ted and Robin could be. No, I didn't spoil anything for you because that was the first episode of a show that ran for 9 seasons.

After seeing several guys outside the College of Tourism and Hospitality Management (CTHM) building with balloons and a sign that said "Happy Birthday", I jumped to the conclusion that it was for a girl named Jill.

I was starting to really like Jill at the time. We met on Twitter and have been talking to each other ever since.

I was with my friend Jan when that grand gesture happened outside of the CTHM building (where Jill was studying at the time) and a day after Jill's birthday (December X, where X is the appropriate number between 5-9).

Jan: Would you look at that? How pathetic.

Ralph: Totally--Wait... That's CTHM... No... No... Oh god, no.
Jan: What's up?
Ralph: This girl I like. It was her birthday yesterday! Damn it! These guys are doing it for her!
Jan: Dude, you gotta make an impression on her.
Ralph: You think so?
Jan: Yeah, so she'll know you're there.

I asked your Aunt Angel what could be a good gift. Jill has been joking that I should get her a pink puppy and I actually considered buying one.

Ralph: Angel, where can I get a pink puppy?
Angel: You can’t. You have to buy an actual puppy and dye it pink.
Ralph: Now how much do puppies cost?
Angel: Puppies are expensive! And the pink dye would kill it in a few weeks.
Ralph: Ugh! Darn it.
Angel: Can’t you ask her what she wants?
Ralph: Then that would kill the surprise. I’ll think of something. 

I told Jill the harsh reality of dyeing a puppy pink when she brought it up again.

Jill: Ralph, I want a pink puppy.

Ralph: I can't. Animals aren't allowed in campus so I can't deliver it to you.
[I was entirely sure about this. I actually checked the student handbook.]
Jill: You have a car and a driver! Deliver it to my building!
Ralph: You do know that if I dye a puppy pink, it'll die, right?
Jill: Really?
Ralph: Yes! It would only last a week and it'll die.
[I'm not entirely sure about this though.]

Oddly enough, a week before Jill and I ever met, she posted her wish list online. One of the things there that seemed a little less costly and easy to buy was a plushie of a minion from that movie Despicable Me. You know, those little yellow things in overalls that I told you about. 

Yes, those little annoying things.

I promised to get Jill a stuffed minion. I went to a mall named Greenhills to do some Christmas shopping. Okay, I say it was "Christmas shopping" to not look like a dork. My only intention was to shop for Jill's gift but buying my friends gifts seemed secondary. Hell, I just thought about buying my friends gifts while I was looking for Jill's. Looking back, it’s a horrible reason to put your friends secondary.


When I had gone to Greenhills, I asked the all the kiosks, all the stalls that sold toys for that stuffed minion. I looked around toy stores and any store that had anything that had the color yellow on it. Despite my efforts, I found none. I went to a toy store in the mall there called Toy Kingdom and they said they ran out of those minions weeks ago. I thought I should just give up and go home. I mean, I already found gifts for my friends and I didn't even need to buy anything for myself. 

I was already heading for the exit until I remembered what Jill was constantly bugging me about several months ago.

Jill: I want a pink puppy.

Jill wanted a pink puppy but I knew that you can’t dye actual puppies because that would kill them, as said by your Aunt Angel. So what was the next best thing? A plush pink puppy. I left all my presents for my friends in the car with my driver.

Driver: Are you ready to go?

Ralph: Just one last thing.

I rushed back to the toy store and looked at the stuffed toy section. I noticed a small yet fluffy pink puppy in a bin of other stuffed animals. I grabbed it and checked the price – 400 pesos.

Ralph: 400 pesos for a stuffed puppy? My goodness, that is not a good purchase. I should just head on home and save my money.

[That’s what I should've said.]
Ralph: Oh god, yes! This is great!
[That's what I really said.] 


So after buying that overpriced pink puppy, I thought it would be sweet if I wrote “Belated Happy Birthday and Advanced Merry Christmas”. And to top it off, I even wrote our Twitter usernames on the card because Twitter was how she and I got acquainted. She was starting to be a friend and I always do good things for friends. My friends would tell you otherwise but that’s another story.

I had the gift and I had Jill’s schedule. I was ready to meet Jill. I was Ted. She was Robin. And this plush pink puppy was gonna be the blue French horn.


Clearly, I expected too much.

(Ralph from 2014: You can read the next part here)