Greeting Cards In Transit

As I type this, I'm currently in Raleigh, North Carolina. It's actually my first time in the United States so of course I go to the south, instead of a busy city like New York or Los Angeles. I don't think anyone ever chooses to go to Raleigh as a vacation spot but I personally love how spacious and suburban it is.

I've been exploring shops around here and one of them was Family Dollar. Okay, to get it out of the way, just because it says "dollar" on the store name does not immediately make it a dollar store where everything is a dollar. What caught my eye was the greeting card section. Sure, it looks like any other greeting card section in any store but it's my first encounter with one in America so that's something, right? Right?

To me, greeting cards are the simplest and easiest way to get something for someone with minimal effort. It's something premade - you didn't have to make the designs or the intro spiel. You just have to buy it, write something generic, and make it seem like you tried. 7 dollars? Done, happy birthday. I've personally done better things with a greeting card just to make it worth the hassle of sending it.

You know what? The perfect way to describe my experience with greeting cards is by using a stolen writing style of a series I used to write about nearly a decade ago on my Tumblr.

How I Never Met Your Mother Part [?] - Happy Happy Sappy

Kids, in the spring of 2019, I had a brilliant idea to send my best friend at the time a birthday gift. I wanted to do something special for her since she was my best friend and all. Let's call her Mary Beth - she is pretty southern after all. At the time, Mary Beth and I were the best of friends and I absolutely loved her.

It was Mary Beth's birthday in the end of March and I was too far to even come to her house. So I thought I'd do the next best thing and send something along the lines of a care package. To keep it a surprise, I just told Mary Beth that I'd be sending her a greeting card. Nothing too special.

I thought I'd try to be nice and give her a gift for her birthday. It's not much but I thought it was more than enough. I remember putting two PS4 games that she'd never played before - Final Fantasy XV and Uncharted: The Nathan Drake Collection. I put the artbook and soundtrack from my Life is Strange collectors edition because that was a game she and I loved.

Heck, I even threw in a Life is Strange shirt that I bought from Hot Topic at the time. I remember getting two other shirts but I have no memory of what the designs were.

My favorite addition was the book "How Not To Write A Novel", a book that I love and is very useful for writers. As a joke, I left in an advertisement card for the WWE Network in the pages. I remember using that as a bookmark. Mary Beth told me she found it hilarious and couldn't stop laughing in front of her sister and grandmother. 

The finishing touch would be the actual card. I remember choosing it from the drug store before work and not knowing what to say until I had to actually pack up the box and send it. Now, in the years since I've written it, I don't remember what I wrote on it. I just knew it sparked a reaction from Mary Beth. 

I remember her sending me a message on my way to work.

Mary Beth: This is not a fiery card.

[Kids, she didn't say "fiery"]

Ralph: How so? Wait, did you open it?

Mary Beth: I had to! My grandma brought it over and was insisting I open it.

Ralph: Hey, I had to surprise you somehow! Love you, buddy!

Mary Beth: You made me cry! In the years that I've been alive, no card has ever made me cry so congratulations and forget you!

[Kids, she didn't say "forget"]

It was amusing to think that a friend of mine cried over a greeting card for her birthday. And kids, this was one of the best memories I had with Mary Beth. This was when her family started knowing about me and how I was her best friend. It was great until it all faded away. But that's a story for another time.

Ralph's Writing Collection - CTHM Stalking Exercise

"What's this, Ralphy? Did you just really stalk that Krisly girl in 2011?"

NO. OKAY, CONTEXT FOR THIS ONE!

In 2011, for Literature 208 class, we were given an assignment of stalking someone and writing about them. The only rules were that we shouldn't have been seen and we shouldn't know the person. The subject didn't have to be anyone of the opposite gender. I remember the professor who gave this assignment - let's call them Hot Coldman - told us that they wrote about an old man in the park. I thought it was a huge waste of time but hey, what can I do? It was required. I think I had some classmates cheat and say they stalked each other but I can't confirm that since I was just eavesdropping. I wasn't sure if I did the assignment well nor did I want to get arrested for stalking because I'm not good at stealth. I'm no Solid Snake.

Mr Coldman: "Ralph, why's your stalking exercise late?"

Me: "Kept you waiting huh?"

Anyway, to the post!

Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 39] – I Hope You Don't Mind

Kids, lets skip to February of 2012, just so we could end this story with Jill. Sometimes when you think you’re doing something right, you’re actually making it worse. That’s when you give up – when you’ve tried your hardest to make things right and nothing seemed to change. With something as delicate as the act of forgiveness and with an attitude like Jill’s from tourism, you’re running a fine line with disaster.

My first attempt at apologizing to Jill didn’t go as well as I had hoped. For starters, she didn’t want to see me nor did she want to hear my apology.

Ralph: Jill, I’m sorry.
Jill: Whatever. Whatever.
Ralph: I didn’t know what I did—
Jill: Whatever. Whatever.

When my friends found out what happened, they totally felt bad for me. I mean, it’s not every day that I’m nice to anyone and I get insulted like that. But that didn’t really bother me. If I wanted to stay friends with Jill, I should at least remedy whatever mistake I did. And I remember telling your Aunt Karina:

Ralph: I'm not giving up on her.
[I should've given up on her.]
Ralph: This girl could be special.
[She was the devil.]
Ralph: I’m gonna apologize and things are going to work out with Jill.
[No they're not, dumbass.]

So I thought about paying Mediartrix, a musical theatre organization in UST, for a serenade. Your Uncle Martin and your Aunt May would help me with that. I actually had everything planned. Days before February 14, I had a sign that said “I'M REALLY SORRY” written in the How I Met Your Mother font. Martin and May would sing the song and judge Jill’s reaction. If Jill liked it, they’d give her the sign and she’d know who it’s from.

Before I could do that though, I needed help once again in Jill’s schedule. I called your Aunt Camille U. for help.

Ralph: Camille! I need Jill’s schedule again.
Camille: What do you need it for?
Ralph: For Jill!
Camille: You’re gonna have her serenaded?! But she’s a glitch!
[She didn’t say “glitch” but you get the point.]
Ralph: One last apology then I’m done!
Camille: Idiot! Okay, I’ll call you later.
Ralph: Thanks, Camille~

40 minutes later, Camille got me the schedule.

Camille: 2.30pm at room 116.
Ralph: Why can’t they stay put in one room?! Sorry, not the point. Thanks again, Camille!

And you wonder why people don’t like me. Anyway, it couldn’t get any worse, right?

When we arrived at the Albertus Magnus building, I asked the guard where room 116 was. It was in a hallway but it looked more like an alley. I expected trashcans and a homeless man outside the classrooms. When we got there, I suddenly had a thought. Something I really didn’t think through.

Ralph: Wait, how do we get you guys in there? Do we just ask the professor and interrupt his class? Oh god, we are so gonna get stabbed.

To this day, I still don’t know why I thought I was gonna get stabbed that time.]

Thankfully, your Aunt May had friends in that section and they let them enter. The professor, for some ungodly reason, allowed the serenade to take place. I didn’t want to enter the classroom yet because, again, the lingering thought of getting stabbed was running through my mind. I’ve watched the anime School Days a little too much the past few weeks, that’s why.

Your Uncle Martin was really a good singer, judging by the reaction from Jill's classmates in room 116. It was either that or those girls were trying to drown him out with their screams. I was never sure. I was just outside holding a sign. I heard the chorus of the song Uncle Martin chose to sing. Elton John’s “Your Song”. “I hope you don’t mind,I hope you don't mind that I put down in words. How wonderful life is while you're in the world.”

After the song had stopped, your Aunt May called me to enter. It was the finale. When I entered the “I’m really sorry” sign, they all went “Awww”. Even their professor was smiling. I didn’t need to say anything because the message was clear. I was sorry. It was a good gesture. Or at least I thought it was.

Later that day, I checked Twitter and a friend of mine showed me a tweet from Jill. She said that I basically “ruined Valentine’s Day for her” by having a song dedicated to her. I wanted to throw my cellphone when I read that.

That’s when I gave up. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, I could never reach her. I could never get her to forgive me. Oh well. My friends didn’t like how it turned out. Aunt May and Uncle Martin got mad when I told them. They knew about the effort I’m exerting to get this girl to forgive me, to just be friends again, and they hated Jill for not even giving me a simple thank you. Oh well.

I even remember what your Aunt May said.

May: IT WAS SWEET AND SHE'S A GLITCH.
[Except she didn't say "glitch"]

And kids, sometimes when you do something nice for someone, it could go both ways. Sometimes they appreciate it and sometimes they'll hate you for it. Jill never wanted to see my face again and that’s alright. The only reason to give up is not when something goes wrong – it’s when you know you’ve done everything you could but nothing ever changed.

And you wanna know the funny thing about this? I asked my classmate Camille about it and she told me that Jill misunderstood a tweet I posted, thinking that it was directed at her. So after all the conversations, the offering of that guest spot for the radio show, the personal delivery of that stuffed pink puppy after finding out her schedule, Jill gets mad at me for a simple misunderstanding that wasn't my fault.

Back then, she and I would talk for hours with random conversations and jokes about friends and the university in general. I'd always reply to her whenever I can and she did the same. Everything I wanted in a woman, she had it all. She was pretty. She was alluring. She was gorgeous. She was smart. She was funny. She was sarcastic. She got me.

And now it's all over. Oh well.

What I thought was there, she thought differently. That was the last time I did anything nice for a girl I like.

Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 36] – Rock Bottom

Kids, when you’ve done something wrong to someone by accident, that’s alright. It can be corrected. However, that opportunity to be corrected depends on the person you’re trying to apologize to. I’ll get to that later. 

In December 15 of 2011, after finally meeting Jill from tourism, I thought everything would be golden. I thought everything would be nice and alright. Boy was I wrong. When my friends found out what I did for Jill, they were somehow impressed. Heck, just 30 minutes after meeting Jill, I already waited outside room 209 where your Aunt Angel was having classes. My friend Jasmine was there for some reason and we had a conversation.

Jasmine: Where have you been?

Ralph: I was at CTHM. I met this girl
Jasmine: Oooh, how’d you meet her?
Ralph: Twitter. After 5 months of talking to her, I started to like her so I gave her a gift.
Jasmine: Really?! How?
Ralph: Got her schedule from the CTHM dean’s office. They thought Karina was shifting.
[They actually did.]
Jasmine: Oh my god, I can’t believe you actually did that!
Ralph: What, what? Is that bad? I knew it was bad! It’s creepy!
Jasmine: Nooo! It’s a good thing. 

For a while, several of my classmates thought I was a sweet guy instead of this sarcastic villain they see. And for a while, Jill and I were tweeting with each other more constantly than ever.

However, it came to a sudden halt.

I was seeing the misery of my classmate and all of his “sophomore hardships” that he was talking about. I was just laughing at whatever he posted. He was miserable. So I posted “Laughing at other people’s misery” on Twitter. So what does this have to do with anything? I’ll tell you later.

At the same time, Jill was posted on Twitter that she wanted a guy best friend that would be mistaken for her boyfriend. I, in my everlasting weirdness, wanted to shout “I VOLUNTEER!”

But when I tried to reply to that tweet, there was a problem. I couldn’t. “You are not allowed to perform this action” or a similar error message like that. That wasn’t supposed to happen.

When I checked Facebook, it informed that I was no longer friends with Jill. I clicked her profile and it said “Page not found”. Of course I thought it was just a momentary error but then I realized that it wasn’t. A friend of mine showed me her posts on Twitter and it was basically referring to someone to shut up. That someone was me. And I felt terrible.

I asked your Aunt Miho for help.

Ralph: She blocked me on Facebook and Twitter. How else am I going to apologize.
Miho: You have to apologize in person.
Ralph: Wait, what? You wanna have me killed?
[I bet she did, really]
Miho: No, come on, it’s the only thing you need to do if you want to end up as the good guy here.
Ralph: But I am the good guy here!
Miho: Not to her! When you apologize, it’s up to her what to do. The ball’s in her court.
Ralph: Alright, alright.

So days before January 3, the resumption of classes, I already planned on what I would say to Jill. 

Ralph: I didn’t know what I said that made you mad. It may have been a misinterpretation of words or bad timing but I’m really, really sorry. 

I asked my friend Jasmine to review that. She said it was simple yet effectively meaningful.

That’s what I planned on saying. Instead, when the day arrived and I was already in the CTHM building…

Ralph: Jill, I didn’t know what I said that made you mad—
Jill: Whatever.
[She really said that.]
Ralph: I’m really sorry—
Jill: Whatever.
Ralph: Come on, whatever I said—
Jill: Whatever! Whatever!

As the door to her classroom slowly shut, I leaned back to a wall nearby. Time stopped. It felt like everyone around me disappeared. I wanted to rewind time. A second chance maybe? A second go for an apology for something I didn't do.

The song “Hero” by Regina Spektor played in my head in a constant loop. “I’m the hero of this story, don’t need to be saved. I’m the hero of this story, don’t need to be saved.” I didn’t know what else to do. I didn't know anyone in the building to talk to. I felt alone. I didn't need to stay there. Why was I still in that hallway? Staring at a door that I know will never open for me again. Time resumed. I realized I was back in reality. I walked through a crowd of tourism students, some had already seen what happened, most likely thinking "He deserved that". I just wanted to go back to my building and regret everything.

Obviously not the best outcome but it wasn’t the worst. The worst would be Jill suddenly stabbing me School Days-style in front of cheering girls from CTHM who thought I was a stalker. That was the first of many times she would call me that but I’ll get to that later.

I went back to room 209 to talk to your aunts Angel and Inah. They looked at me from inside the classroom and smiled, silently asking me how it went. I just shook my head slowly, silently delivering the bad news. They both ran out of the room and ask what happened.

Angel: What happened?!
Ralph: She… didn’t listen to me.
Inah: What do you mean?
Ralph: I go there to apologize, and she was having none of it...

To this day, your Aunt Inah says that it was the first time she actually saw I was hurt. She saw the pain in my eyes somehow and it was new for her because I wasn’t this bully that I usually was. I was a guy who lost a friend or something more.

The story with Jill is not over though. I’ll get to that.

Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 34]

Now, let's finish this updated saga. Well, at least one part of the saga. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Original Title: How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 34] – The Plush Pink Puppy (Part 3)

Kids, in December of 2011, as I walked to the Albertus Magnus building where Jill was, I thought of two things: first, would Jill actually like this gift? And second, why was it so damn hot outside? Okay, so December wasn’t really cold in The Philippines and wearing a jacket to meet a girl was a bad idea. I needed that jacket to look cool but the sweating was profuse. I thought I’d look and smell bad but thank goodness I had some cologne with me. But I digress.

When I arrived at the Albertus Magnus building, I thought I was gonna have my heart beating out of my chest because I was nervous. Jill’s section – 2T1 at the time – was in room 104A. I already passed by that room once so I knew where it was. Could I be more of a creep? When I thought it was all good, I suddenly had another problem:

Ralph: Oh god, how am I gonna give this to Jill?

I didn’t really think of that at all. I had the gift and I already had a reason to give it to her but I didn’t have a way to give it! Goddamn it, I thought. Do I excuse her from class if one of her professors were present? Do I just leave it outside her classroom? I didn’t plan it out. 

I was already in the hallway where Jill’s classroom was and I didn’t plan anything out. I was alone there – your Aunt Angel or any other of my friends weren't around to help me in that situation. If the ending of the anime School Days were to happen and I get stabbed, there wouldn't have been anyone to call for help.

As I was standing outside room 104-A, pretending to read the bulletin board and thinking about what to do, one tourism girl went outside the classroom. She was on the phone and was confirming with your Aunt Camille about my presence.

Tourism girl on the phone: Yeah, he’s here… He’s wearing glasses… In a jacket… He’s standing here so I know it’s him!
[I was laughing when she was confirming that it was me. I don’t know why. She puts her cellphone away and talks to me.]
Tourism girl now not on the phone: Are you Ralph? Jill’s here. You should go inside though.
Ralph: Wait, what?!
Tourism girl: You have to go inside. Jill won’t go out.
Ralph: Why not?
Tourism girl: She’s shy!

Okay, okay, let's pause for a second and ask some questions.

How did Jill know about this? This was a total surprise. I mean, I never asked for her schedule or anything. I never told her that I was going to deliver her a pink puppy. To this day, someone had spoiled the surprise by telling her about it.

Ralph: How'd she know about this?
[...Is what I should've asked. Instead I said...]
Ralph: Oh. Damn it. Alright, I’ll go.

I was hesitant as heck because in the back of my mind, this was entirely stupid and pointless. I wasn't a handsome guy at all so why would I be doing this kind of thing?

So I entered the classroom of 2T1 and they were all looking at the big guy in a jacket with a gift in hand. I felt like I was gonna get stabbed but I wasn’t there for that. I was there for Jill. When she saw me, Jill stood up and smiled. As I slowly approached her and handed her the gift, everything went into slow motion and my mind started talking to me.

Ralph's mind: Say something cool!

Oh crap. I didn't have anything to say. I needed to say something cool or witty or at least romantic. I had to think fast. In 2 seconds, I said…

Ralph: Hi, haaave you met me?

That... didn't go so well. I didn’t know what else to say. It was the first thing that came into my mind. Using a phrase Barney Stinson always used was my backup plan for any awkward situation.

My first meeting with Jill was great. She didn’t actually expect that I’d actually get her something even though I told her through Twitter to expect something, but I didn’t tell her that I’d deliver it personally.

Ralph: Hi. I’m Ralph. Jill, right?
Jill: What are you doing here?
Ralph: It’s Christmas and I felt like giving each of my good friends a gift.
Jill: How’d you—Where’d you—
Ralph: Okay, did this seem stalker-ish?
Jill: A little. I didn’t really expect it.
Ralph: Yes, because by the very definition of the word “surprise”, it’s not supposed to be expected.
Jill: Mean!
Ralph: Hey, I got you that pink puppy! I can be mean.
Jill: It’s not a minion from Despicable Me.
Ralph: Greenhills ran out of them so stick with the puppy.
Jill: I’m just gonna leave this here on the bulletin board…
Ralph: How could you be so mean?! I’m so tweeting about you.
Jill: Now that’s mean!
Ralph: I’m kidding. So how are you? 

That first conversation with Jill was great. She looked great. Her voice was... alright. Heck, I couldn’t even keep track of what she said at the time.

Ralph: You’re not gonna kick me now, are you, like how you’ve always threatened me?
Jill: Yes, I will! I’ll take my heels off and I’ll kick you!
Ralph: Really? With that uniform of yours?
Jill: Don’t you have to go yet?!
Ralph: Haha! Alright, alright. I’ll go, since you said so.
Jill: Thanks! Bye! 

Okay, I have to admit, there were some awkward pauses there. I know I messed up somehow but I didn't care. What mattered was that I gave a gift to Jill and I at least cemented our friendship.

(Ralph from 2014: UTTER BULLSHIT!)

As I left the building, I had a dorky smile on my face. I had never done anything like that ever.

When I got back to the classroom, I kept thanking Camille for giving me Jill’s schedule because without her help, I wouldn’t have been able to pull that off. Okay, I already did have the schedule from the CTHM dean's office but hey, I became friends with Camille.

I know it seemed a little creepy if you think about it, and I did realize that afterwards, but I apologized to Jill later that night if the gesture seemed creepy or stalker-like. She said it was alright and was actually the first nice thing I did for her after months of being mean. And that’s all I wanted to do.

Kids, sometimes you have to take a chance. You never know what could happen. If you're lucky, things would go right. However, not everything could stay right. It might just be the calm before the bitter storm, but I had to find that out the hard way.

(Ralph from 2014: Bloody hell, this was depressing to write again. You can read the first part right here or the previous part here)

Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 33]

Okay, part 2 of this horrible saga. Yes, this is all in celebration of Valentine's Day. Woo hoo!


Original Title: How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 33] – The Plush Pink Puppy (Part 2)

Kids, December 15 of 2011 was the result of all the effort in trying to meet this girl I met online named Jill. Now the popular belief that meeting someone online would mean that the guy is a creep. I was not that guy. At least not yet but I'll get to that. I talked to Jill for almost three months, only getting to be sort of a close friend on November. I could say that because she said:

Jill: DON'T. EVER. BREAK. MY. TRUST.
[Inside, I was thinking...]
Ralph: Huh. I gained your trust? AWESOME!
[Outside, I was saying something else...]
Ralph: Don’t worry. I won’t. 
Jill: Good! You're like my close guy friend!

Jill and I were somehow getting along pretty well, at least that's the way I saw it. I wasn't entirely sure if she felt the same but you wouldn't really bother calling someone your "close guy friend" if you didn't really consider them as a friend, right?

...Right? Nah, forget it.

To keep that trust alive (at the time), I decided to get Jill a gift – a plush pink puppy. I consulted your aunts about this and they said it was alright. And Christmas season was a great reason to give her a gift personally. I had already bought my friends gifts to prevent them from thinking that I was putting them aside over some girl, which in fact was true.

I gave the gifts to some of my friends early and kept Jill’s in my locker. I didn't want to bring it along anywhere for no reason. I might lose it and everything would fall apart.

I had the gift but the next problem was getting Jill's schedule. I could have asked her for it but then I thought:

Ralph: No, I can't ask her for her schedule. That would ruin the surprise.

I had to think of something that would look like it's from a romantic comedy. For some reason, I wanted to do something different from what I usually do. Yes, it was stupid but I wanted to test it out for myself because I don't know if I would ever do something like that ever again. To actually do that, I needed Jill's schedule somehow, as creepy as it sounds. Was it creepy? Looking back, of course it was. Do I regret doing everything? Of course I do. But at the time, I was a huge risk taker and I didn't mind seeing what would happen regardless of whether or not it was good.

I actually had the gall to go to the Albertus Magnus building, to the CTHM dean's office, and ask for Jill's class schedule. Now, Jill somehow knew which city I lived in at the time - San Juan - but I never had that disclosed in my online profiles at all. So I thought it'd be fair game to use her online information as a way to surprise her. Luckily, her section number was on her profile so that made it easier.

I asked the student assistant who was at the CTHM dean's office for the information.

Ralph: Hi, I'm looking for a particular tourism class's schedule?
Student Assistant: Which section is that, sir?
Ralph: Uhhh... I think it's 2T1. I have a friend there.
Student Assistant: Alright, here you go. Room 104-A, 1-2.30pm. It's the room just outside.

I finally got her schedule. I honestly thought it would've been hard to do so because I thought that was confidential information that the College of Tourism and Hospitality Management would keep. But somehow, I got a schedule of a friend and a gift for her. I was actually starting to like this girl. Outside the Albertus Magnus building, I had to process everything at that moment. I was close to having a mental breakdown after all of these thoughts had started to come together.

Ralph: No... No! Goddamn it, why am I doing this again? No, no, no, no. It's not gonna end well. This isn't gonna end well at all. She's not gonna like you, Ralphy. No. She doesn't. You're a friend. Nothing more.

If there ever was a musical score for that event, it would be this.
There's no happy ending, so they say, not for me anyway.

But then I thought I'd just take the risk and see what happens because it'll be a good story to tell one day. If it doesn't end very well, fine, I'll admit it didn't go well and I basically destroyed any and all friendship I had with Jill and I'll probably just be miserable. I was fine with that. Maybe.

On the way back, I met a classmate that I never have spoken to for a year - your Aunt Camille. Since freshmen year, I haven't talked to her since I thought she was a glitch (or something that rhymes with that). Somehow, she and I had started talking and she mentioned that she had some friends in Jill's class.

Ralph: Funny that you should mention that. I was actually looking for her schedule today.
Camille: I can get it for you if you want, you stalker.

Right then and there, Camille and I had became the oddest of friends. I've always told her that if it weren't for Jill, she and I still wouldn't be friends to this day.

A few days later, Camille approached me and told me something.

Camille: Ralph, you're starting to like Jill, right?
Ralph: ...Yeah, what about her?
Camille: I heard from a couple of people there in Jill's class that she's actually bossy.
Ralph: Wait, really?
Camille: Yeah, they don't really like her that much.
Ralph: I don't know what to say actually since she's always been nice to me.
Camille: I'm just warning you about her so be careful.

It was odd to get a warning from Camille about Jill. It makes me think that she actually gathered information on the girl I like to keep an eye on things. That was so awesome of her.

If I could recall correctly, on December 15, Jill had a 1pm class in room 104-A. My classes ended at 1pm that day so I needed to rush out of my class as soon as I could before her class even started. The perfect opportunity to deliver it was December 15, the day before the annual Christmas event that the university had. The day before that event usually meant that the teachers would have their own Christmas parties and the students would have 4 hours of doing nothing.

I had the gift ready. The card was ready.  I had the schedule ready. There I was in several vacant classes with your Aunt Angel.

Angel: Did you really get anything for CTHM girl?
Ralph: Yeah.
Angel: What’d you get her?
Ralph: Remember when I asked you how to get a pink puppy?
Angel: Yeah. Oh wait, don’t tell me you actually got it.
Ralph: Yes, I got a puppy, dyed it pink, and it’s suffocating in my locker as we speak.

[Sarcasm’s flowing here. Sorry ‘bout that.]

With two hours before 1pm, I started to get nervous about finally seeing Jill by surprising her. I thought that it would be uncalled for, despite the sweetness and spontaneity of the gesture. 

Ralph: Oh my god, what if she doesn’t like the puppy? Or worse, what if she doesn’t like me?
Angel: Relax, relax! What’s the worse that could happen?
[A lot. She could hate me and think I’m a stalker.]
Ralph: How about I let my friend Camille give this to her?
Angel: What?! No! You can’t.
Ralph: She’ll know from the card. Why do I have to give this to Jill?
Angel: Because you have to.
Ralph: Yeah, I know, I know. Damn it.

After conversing with my friends in multiple vacant class periods, I knew I had to leave the classroom sooner or later. I had to give the pink puppy to Jill sooner rather than later.

Ralph: So, it’s 5 minutes before 1. I gotta go.
Angel: Good luck! Tell me how it went!
Ralph: I don't wanna go...
Angel: You know you have to.
Ralph: Yeah. I'm off. See you later.

The moment of truth, kids. I left the classroom with the gift and headed out to CTHM across the university. It was going to be something from a romantic comedy, except it was real. There's no happy ending, so they say. Not for me anyway.

(Ralph from 2014: You read the previous part here. You head on over to the next part right here.)

Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 32]

In celebration of Valentine's Day, I'm posting updated versions of my favorite series "How I Never Met Your Mother", a clear ripoff of How I Met Your Mother. I posted these two years ago and I would love to have them here on my main blog. Why? Because I actually loved writing this particular arc that led to why I absolutely hate everything about Valentine's Day. Screw that holiday and everyone who likes it!

Ahem. On with the post.

Original Title: How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 32] – The Plush Pink Puppy (Part 1)

Kids, in the first episode of the TV show “How I Met Your Mother”, the lead character Ted Mosby steals a blue French horn for his love interest at the time named Robin. That blue French horn was meant to be a symbol of what Ted and Robin could be. No, I didn't spoil anything for you because that was the first episode of a show that ran for 9 seasons.

After seeing several guys outside the College of Tourism and Hospitality Management (CTHM) building with balloons and a sign that said "Happy Birthday", I jumped to the conclusion that it was for a girl named Jill.

I was starting to really like Jill at the time. We met on Twitter and have been talking to each other ever since.

I was with my friend Jan when that grand gesture happened outside of the CTHM building (where Jill was studying at the time) and a day after Jill's birthday (December X, where X is the appropriate number between 5-9).

Jan: Would you look at that? How pathetic.
Ralph: Totally--Wait... That's CTHM... No... No... Oh god, no.
Jan: What's up?
Ralph: This girl I like. It was her birthday yesterday! Damn it! These guys are doing it for her!
Jan: Dude, you gotta make an impression on her.
Ralph: You think so?
Jan: Yeah, so she'll know you're there.

I asked your Aunt Angel what could be a good gift. Jill has been joking that I should get her a pink puppy and I actually considered buying one.

Ralph: Angel, where can I get a pink puppy?
Angel: You can’t. You have to buy an actual puppy and dye it pink.
Ralph: Now how much do puppies cost?
Angel: Puppies are expensive! And the pink dye would kill it in a few weeks.
Ralph: Ugh! Darn it.
Angel: Can’t you ask her what she wants?
Ralph: Then that would kill the surprise. I’ll think of something. 

I told Jill the harsh reality of dyeing a puppy pink when she brought it up again.

Jill: Ralph, I want a pink puppy.
Ralph: I can't. Animals aren't allowed in campus so I can't deliver it to you.
[I was entirely sure about this. I actually checked the student handbook.]
Jill: You have a car and a driver! Deliver it to my building!
Ralph: You do know that if I dye a puppy pink, it'll die, right?
Jill: Really?
Ralph: Yes! It would only last a week and it'll die.
[I'm not entirely sure about this though.]

Oddly enough, a week before Jill and I ever met, she posted her wish list online. One of the things there that seemed a little less costly and easy to buy was a plushie of a minion from that movie Despicable Me. You know, those little yellow things in overalls that I told you about. 

Yes, those little annoying things.

I promised to get Jill a stuffed minion. I went to a mall named Greenhills to do some Christmas shopping. Okay, I say it was "Christmas shopping" to not look like a dork. My only intention was to shop for Jill's gift but buying my friends gifts seemed secondary. Hell, I just thought about buying my friends gifts while I was looking for Jill's. Looking back, it’s a horrible reason to put your friends secondary.

When I had gone to Greenhills, I asked the all the kiosks, all the stalls that sold toys for that stuffed minion. I looked around toy stores and any store that had anything that had the color yellow on it. Despite my efforts, I found none. I went to a toy store in the mall there called Toy Kingdom and they said they ran out of those minions weeks ago. I thought I should just give up and go home. I mean, I already found gifts for my friends and I didn't even need to buy anything for myself. 

I was already heading for the exit until I remembered what Jill was constantly bugging me about several months ago.

Jill: I want a pink puppy.

Jill wanted a pink puppy but I knew that you can’t dye actual puppies because that would kill them, as said by your Aunt Angel. So what was the next best thing? A plush pink puppy. I left all my presents for my friends in the car with my driver.

Driver: Are you ready to go?
Ralph: Just one last thing.

I rushed back to the toy store and looked at the stuffed toy section. I noticed a small yet fluffy pink puppy in a bin of other stuffed animals. I grabbed it and checked the price – 400 pesos.

Ralph: 400 pesos for a stuffed puppy? My goodness, that is not a good purchase. I should just head on home and save my money.
[That’s what I should've said.]
Ralph: Oh god, yes! This is great!
[That's what I really said.] 

So after buying that overpriced pink puppy, I thought it would be sweet if I wrote “Belated Happy Birthday and Advanced Merry Christmas”. And to top it off, I even wrote our Twitter usernames on the card because Twitter was how she and I got acquainted. She was starting to be a friend and I always do good things for friends. My friends would tell you otherwise but that’s another story.

I had the gift and I had Jill’s schedule. I was ready to meet Jill. I was Ted. She was Robin. And this plush pink puppy was gonna be the blue French horn.

Clearly, I expected too much.

(Ralph from 2014: You can read the next part here)

Ralph's Writing Collection - A Meeting with Louis

I just found one of my short stories from 2nd year fiction class and thought I'd post it here. 

It's basically a guy meeting the Devil. I was cramming this 2 nights before the deadline after my proposed story was rejected by the professor. It's not perfect but hey, I'm not a good writer at all.

"Girl in the FX" By Ralph Corleone

I was in my stalker mode when I wrote this at 6:30 in the morning on the way to class. Hey, it's not like I actually knew that Engineering girl that I was writing about. I just felt like trying to be sympathetic or something close to that.

---

“Girl in the FX”

There you are, in the FX

sleeping, 6:40 in the morning

A girl from Engineering

your hair waving by the air conditioner,

Here I am in the confines of my car

looking at you, from a distance

A guy from Arts and Letters

used to the background,

You seem so close

sleeping near the window

The FX makes you shake

yet you remain unstirred

With no one to lean on,

you’re still in light slumber

but here I am, so far away

looking at you, from a distance

Perhaps I want to be the shoulder you can lean on

Perhaps I just thought you’re cute

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

What am I saying?

And now the time has come to say goodbye

I notice you’re awake, finally

Stirred by the sudden pothole in the road

My car overtakes the FX

Your face fading away among the crowd of passengers

Never will I see you again

Perhaps I wanted to be the shoulder you can lean on

Just for that moment, as I was

looking at you, from a distance

"The Things I Want" by Ralph Corleone

I decided to post the poem I had to write for poetry class last semester. Yes, it's original so I'm a little proud of it.

I had a really hard time writing it (since I'm a blogger and not a poet). But hey, the professor approved of these lines any thank goodness she did because that raised my morale about writing poetry (for a while).

Anyway, here's "The Things I Want"

-----

The things I want,

A beer with cola

A whiskey with ice

The day to leave with its sunshine

The night to drink with as company

The radio on a loop

“Strangers in the Night”

The dining table’s glass

The chair’s support

The things I lost

The window’s condensation

The sweat off my skull

Dripping

Down to my suit jacket

The lights glaring at me

The air conditioner slacking off

I see deep within the half-empty glass

The face I don’t want to remember

The face I’ve buried

With shadows and everyday people

Her smile flashes before my weary eyes,

Drawing me in like flame

A flame to my moth

But before the tip of the fire

Comes even close, her face is gone

The girl I like, the girl I once desired

The things I want

Wouldn’t even come close to her

Why do I want her?

Perhaps it’s her smile

Shallow, but sincere

Beyond common tabloid smiles

Or Stepford grins

Lust doesn’t seem present

Just whiskey and the heat

I have everything I want

Except her,

The girl whose beauty is beyond looks alone

With a smile as lovely as a flower

In full bloom,

She was my virgin, my empress

But she was distant

As far as the starless sky,

She was non-existent

From my sight and from my touch

As if she were on the peak
Of the world’s tallest mountain

But her smile still haunts me

As if it were a ghost hidden in the night

Slowly making itself visible

To her, I was a mere shadow

Hidden within the crowds of everyday

She brought sunlight to everyone

But I was on the other side of the world

Until I could exist

To her, somehow, someway

Her smile will haunt me

A reminder of the things I want

And how they can never replace her

-----

Well, that was average, right? I'll do an explanation of it on a later post. Until then, thanks for reading my first original poem.