Monday, April 30, 2012

Ralphisms – CTHM girls

I always joke about being attracted to those girls majoring in tourism in UST. Why? Their uniforms are hot. That’s all.

…What? You thought there’d be more details to that? Oh alright.

I could remember seeing a group of those tourism girls during my first week in UST. My god, they were attractive. Again, must have been the uniform. But I could remember telling a friend of mine during first year that I would pursue one of them. Again, by the time that semester ended, I stopped caring about them aside from the occasional joking around. Okay, not really occasional but still.

The joke I do with my friends is during a conversation and they’re talking to me about some boring thing. They’re talking about something and I pretend to drift off and stare at some tourism girl passing by.

Friends: *talking about stuff*
(Tourism girl passes by)
Ralph: …I’m sorry, what?
Friends: RALPH!

The joke there is that I’m easily distracted by those girls. In reality, I’m not. I just love my friends’ reaction.

One time, for fiction class (one of my course’s major subjects), we were assigned to do a stalking exercise and write a story about it. We had to observe and write about a person we don’t know and at the same time, that said person shouldn’t know that we’re writing about them. Stalker level to the max! I remember sitting in Plaza Mayor in UST, looking at one of these girls. Of course she doesn't know me and I don't know her and I was aware of how creepy it was.

This next paragraph is actually for the finished paper that I had to do for fiction class. It was actually some of the most detailed stuff I've written so far.

She wore a navy blue vest with yellow green lining on the borders. The green coat of arms belonging to the faculty she was from was sewn on the left side of the vest. Beneath the vest was a white short-sleeved shirt finished off with a translucent yellow green scarf tied in a loop knot. Her skirt had the same shade as the vest, making it seem like one formal dress. The black stockings on her slender legs made the blue of her clothes seem brighter than it was. She was dangling one of her black high heeled shoes on her right foot – perhaps a sign of boredom but remotely impatience. She looked at her beige watch dangling on her left wrist and looked at her surroundings once more. The various students are distant from where she sat, making it seem like there was some sort of force field around this young woman

Hey, don’t judge me. I got a high grade for that paper. Plus, I’m a good writer. Apparently. 18/20 isn't bad.

When my friends read the whole stalking exercise, they legitimately thought that I was obsessed with those girls. I’m not! I just like exaggerating myself to that and plus, that exercise was somehow fun in a weird sort of way. Plus, there wasn’t anyone worth writing about in Plaza Mayor at the time and I was really in a rush. So, the first one I see who could easily be written about was a CTHM girl. So don’t judge me as creepy. I was cramming.

Do I think all of them are the most attractive girls in campus? Of course not. They do have a number of attractive ones there but in my opinion, Arts and Letters has a greater number of attractive girls, but hey, I’m just saying that because I’m in that building every day of the week. When I say that I’m extremely attracted to those CTHM girls and saying things like “I think I’m in love with her” or “That girl’s alone and single? CHALENGE ACCEPTED!” or “I’m gonna go to the CTHM building and get a girl’s number”, that’s the joke. It's not like I'm actually going to flirt with each and every one of them but that's the joke. I know a few of them but a lot of them know me (Valentine's Day '12 but let's not get into that again) so I joke about it. So no, I'm not really attracted to all of them. A few of them are my friends (acquaintances at least) but no, nothing more than that.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Limits to Melodrama

For you melodramatic ones. I’m gonna try to get my point across using lyrics just so some of you can understand.

Every guy has a limit. No matter what the soap operas that you see on TV say, most guys cannot be “McDreamy” or “McSteamy”. We realistic guys have flaws. The perfect guy is either in TV shows, in books, or a figment of your imagination. Basically, the perfect guy that every melodramatic girl wants is fictional. So that means you ladies either lower your standards to realistic levels or you stay single and look for that guy that will never come no matter where you search for him.

To be blunt, he can’t always be there. Some of you can’t understand that! Unlike what you “sensitive” (see: “dramatic”) ones think, every guy has a life to live for his own as well. He cannot revolve his world around you. He also has parents and a family to love among other important things in life. What do you want him to say anyway? “You're the air that I breathe. Girl, you're all that I need. And I wanna thank you, lady. You're the words that I read. You're the light that I see. And your love is all that I need”? [Boyzone, “All That I Need”]

No. Just… no. That sounds well in fiction and love songs but in reality? Naaah. That guy would be irrational then. So what if you two aren’t compatible after all? Does that mean he’ll die of suffocation and become illiterate then?

What you want him to say is “Because your kiss is on my list of the best things in life” [Hall and Oates, “Kiss on My List”]. See, you’re not THE best thing in his life but rather one of them, which is just as good, if not, even better. There are other things he has to care about such as family and friends, among other things. Now why can’t some understand that? The guy can’t have a normal life outside of you?
Next, he can’t be always be there to be your shoulder to cry on. He can’t always be there to talk to you. He can’t always be there to listen to you. He can’t always be the “smiley, happy, rainbows-and-unicorns-pooping-flowers” type. He can’t always be there to “cuddle” with you. And no, he’s not being “insensitive”.

If you need him always, and I mean always, you’re using him as an emotional crutch. You have to stand on your own two feet as well. “Oh he’s being insensitive towards my feelings all the time!” No, he does care but he can’t deal with you always. You want Prince Charming to come rescue you, not a real guy. That’s the problem.

And if that’s what you want, then the guy would most likely say “Wanna be your lover, not your fuckin’ [father]. Can't be your savior, I don't have the power. I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain.” [Katy Perry, “Circle The Drain”] See, with those clingy demands about your heart and all that, you want a father, not a boyfriend. 

What some of you overly dramatic women want is for the guy to put you first and if he doesn’t, you’ll say “He’s being self-centered!” Really? REALLY? You want him to put YOU first than everything else? You want his life to revolve around you like you’re the sun? Umm, who’s being self-centered here? The guy who’s balancing his life or the girl who clings on and becomes possessive?

You want us guys to understand you yet you don’t want to understand us? That’s unfair. Now that’s insensitive. It can’t just be all about you, you, and you. Remember, the guy cannot keep on giving you love if the amount you want is beyond his limits. But for the overly dramatic ones that go around and basically demonize the guy for not giving in to your demands, keep doing that and you’re bound to be single for a long time.

I'm Ralph Corleone and that's my opinion.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

What Your Tumblr Says About You

Having a Tumblr account, in the Tumblr sense, is basically having a place to express yourself and somehow show other Tumblr users that you’re unique, that you could be different from the norms of society.

And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.

This thought of “uniqueness” is just a self-imposed veil of feign importance. Just because you have a blog to express yourself does not make you “unique” or “different from the mainstream”. Your Tumblr blog says a lot about you if you use it properly.

Nothing but reblogs of anything
“Look, I just reblog what I see. I’m easily amused and probably have nothing interesting to type!”

Reblogs of GIFs regarding your favorite shows
“I’m a total diehard fan and my life revolves around these scenes from my favorite show! HAHA LOL!”

Posting bad poetry
“I’m trying to be deep and using words as that tool. Watch me butcher metaphors and make these lines rhyme with little to no thought whatsoever!”

Posting good poetry
“I’m creative and I know it.”

Posting photos from your cellphone
“I’m a wannabe photographer who can’t even use a decent camera! I’m trying to be deep but I’m just misunderstood by society, or at least the society in my twisted head.”

Posting legitimately good photos
“I have a good camera and I’m actually using it correctly. I can actually take a good photo of something deep and meaningful, instead of using it to spam everyone with 200 shots of a latte from Starbucks.”

Posting meaningless whining
“I’m totally misunderstood! No one gets me! Watch as I bitch and moan about things with little to no value.”

Posting well-thought out blog posts
“I’m actually using my Tumblr blog correctly. I can post things that have annoyed me or have made me happy but regardless of that, I could still give my readers something entertaining or interesting to read.”

It’s a weird paradox. If someone posts something personal and well-thought out, people would say that the blog sucks and is boring. However, if someone has nothing but images taken from other blogs, people say that the blog is “awesome”. It doesn’t make sense. So basically, if Tumblr is for “expressing yourself” and people actually do express themselves, they’d get verbally abused (at the most) for not being funny enough.

It’s alright to reblog things but still, keep a theme. Simple theme. Like “my life”, “my interests” or “my school”. It’s doesn’t have to be specific like “The funniest things that could happen if you use quantum physics in real life”. If your theme is just “randomness”, get the fuck out of the internet because we don’t need you taking up space.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Things People Have to Stop Doing on Twitter

Despite the 140-character limit for each tweet you post on Twitter, it doesn’t stop people from doing things that are beyond sanity and bordering being pitiful and annoying. One long 900-character post is better than twelve 140-character posts because at least you can skip that 900-character post.

Forced trending
When something is trending on Twitter, it means lots of Twitter users are talking about it for the time being. The awful thing about this is that some people (mostly hardcore fans) try to make a certain term trending. If you follow one of these fans, you have the hassle of seeing the same term in 60 more tweets because these are the pitiful ones who have no life and try desperately to add something to the current trending list and when they do, what have they achieved? Nothing.

Okay, so we all know that Twitter is more public than Facebook (although you can set your account to be private but what’s the fun in that?). With people always getting into conflicts or just getting annoyed, it’s natural for them to tweet insults directed at others. Why not just tell them directly and save people the trouble of reading them and asking? Of course it’ll seem entertaining to some who are tsismosa or actually know who those tweets are directed at but to the rest of us who aren’t part of the story and have no intention of being part of the story, please shut up.

The worst case scenario here is that one of your crushes would misunderstand and think that your tweet is directed at them. Hence, they’d eventually start hating you. (I know that feeling, bro.)

I have to admit that I actually do this occasionally but somehow, I make it entertaining and relatable in one way or another, even though I didn’t mean it to be.

Lying about followers
The biggest load of BS I see in my timeline is these quote accounts saying “Follow so-and-so. He can get you 100+ followers” or “WTF, I just gained 100 followers by following so-and-so”. This is bullshit because some people try to bandwagon. One of the people who tweeted that he got 100 followers actually has 28 followers. I know because I checked.

The fake celebrity accounts saying “I’ll personally follow you if you follow so-and-so. I’m checking” is another stupid thing people do, leading gullible and illiterate fans of said celebrity to follow that certain account. And it’s blatant here because, for example, the spelling is obviously wrong. Grammy Award winner Adele has a Twitter account “OfficialAdele” but these “parody accounts” (the only excuse they can use so they won’t get deleted) have similar spelling, replacing some I’s with L’s and all that. Literate people should tell the difference but apparently, being a hardcore fan deprives you from basic literacy.

Also, following them does not gain you anything other than spam. (Again, I know that feeling.)

Tweeting Too Much Information
Twitter is a micro-blogging site but somehow, people tend to abuse that by tweeting every action they do. Not just every action but every thought that pops into their mind and you can see, in just a matter of minutes, how people can go from angry to surprised to angry again to sleepy. As if they were freakin’ celebrities and their followers gave a damn about them. Next thing you know, someone will be tweeting “I’m breathing!” and “I’m exhaling” every few seconds.

Do we really need to know if you’re in the bathroom? Or if you’re having your period? Or if you’re having sexual dreams about your classmate? 

Ralphisms – “Is She Hot?”

One of my favorite things to joke about is this one – the “is she hot”. Basically, every time a friend mentions a girl, I ask “Is she hot?”

Ralph: Where’ve you been?
Friend: Oh I was meeting with a friend. She’s from legal management.
Ralph: Is she hot?
Friend: Dafuq.

Easy, right?

This is actually more suited for me rather than anyone else because it’s a running joke that I am a guy who hunts girls to love and beyond (which is an exaggeration of me). It works well because it’s like a different version of a joke done in “How I Met Your Mother” where Barney impulsively asks “Boobs?” whenever his friends mention a girl.

Instead of asking “Boobs?” (which would get me slapped more times than you can say “Sexual harassment!”), I just ask “Is she hot?”. I remember a friend of mine from sociology whose reaction was priceless when I asked that question. Basically, her face had “What the hell are you talking about, Ralph?” written on it.

When I ask the question “Is she hot?”, it gives lots of different negative thoughts from who I asked. They could think “Damn, is he desperate? How funny” or “Damn, he’s gonna pursue my friend”. Either of those is the reaction I’m going for. 

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The Gullible Share Jesus

I know I'm not supposed to be posting rants here but goddamn it, I can't stand it anymore.

I hate seeing Jesus on my Facebook news feed. Not that I don't like him (I do) and not that I'm a bad Christian (I really am) but I just don't like these kinds of photos. These bloody photos of Jesus from the film Passion of the Christ are not a good sight for anyone in Facebook. What's worse is that there are conditions when you come across these photos.

"Share if you ACCEPT Him"?
"Share if He means EVERYTHING in our life <3"?
"IGNORE if it doesn't"?

Oh no, I ignored this photo. Jesus must not mean a thing to me! Oh no! Call the priests! I'm a bad man! Bullshit. Hell, even the grammar isn't that great. "Ignore if it doesn't"? Did you just refer to Jesus as "it"? Oh my, that's not very Christian of you.

It's one thing to be Christian but sharing a photo of a bloody Jesus or a photo of an ACTOR will not give you bonus points in your religion. Basically, you think you're sharing that photo and telling everyone that you love Jesus but in reality, you're just spreading some meaningless picture that was made in MS Paint and emotionally blackmailed you by tugging on the strings of your feeble beliefs into sharing it. Just because it says "Ignore if [he] doesn't [mean anything in your life]" does not mean that you shouldn't ignore it! It's not like it's a test or anything.

Another stupid version of this was the "Share if you love Jesus, ignore if you love Satan". An image of the devil from the cult movie Legion was shown as Satan. When I ignored it, I actually felt... nothing. NOTHING. BECAUSE IT'S BULLSHIT. When you share one of these photos that try to parade itself as a way of showing your love to Jesus, you're just proving to anyone that you're a weak, gullible idiot who'll share anything. So stop it. Show your love in private. Don't get anyone else ticked off because you shared 12 pictures of a bloody Jesus Christ "showing your love for him". That's not love you're showing if you share THAT many photos. That's just gullibility.

Share if you like this post. Ignore if you love Satan.

Just kidding.