Friday, December 23, 2022

I'll Never Get Back What I Lost Track Of

There was a time when I was hoping to have a better friendship with this classmate who I used to like. It's been a while since I actually liked someone and had a reason to be in the same room as them. Unfortunately, they never meet my self-imposed expectations 

My time with this collective group of disappointments is coming to an end and I know it could've been better. I could've done so much more. So much more. And this is my reward. I can't say it's not fair but I dislike it. I didn't do a goddamn thing.

There was a point where I expected things to go differently. It was in the program's early stages, and I was still trying to be this friendly person who introduced himself to everyone because I wanted to make connections for this new career I was pursuing. As time went on, they just stopped acknowledging me for some reason. I still don't know why and I resent a lot of them for it.

Well, let's get the dramatic description of how I saw things and how I expected something out of the way again.

I finished the quiz that day, half an hour early, and had lots of time to calm down. I wanted to calm down and relax somewhere. I didn't know anyone else that well yet so those storylines and social links haven't started yet. I remember it would've been a great opportunity to talk to the girl I like, the one I have a big crush on, but I could never get any opportunities. I sat on this yellow bench outside my classroom. Not the best seat but it'll do. I put on my earphones and listen to some HAIM. The song, "Lost Track". Very appropriate.

♫ Mastered my own luck
But it wasn't easy
I'm tryin' to feel alright
Around all these people
I try, but I'm just numb
This time 

As the song played through my earphones, I just thought, well, nothing's gonna happen today so might as well just stay in my own head.

Then without warning, she comes from around the corner, finishing a phone call. I recognized that blonde hair anywhere. As she sat down on the same bench, I thought, this must be a joke, right?

A chance to talk to someone I admire just came out of nowhere. How often would that happen? 

"Oh hey," I said casually. "Everything okay?"

She smiled and nodded. "Everything's good. How are you?"

"I'm okay, just vibing," I said jokingly, trying to be a cool guy. "So tell me more about your life story."

She told me more about herself, which I've wanted to hear for several weeks now. It was nice to know more about this person through casual, lighthearted conversation. We exchanged details about our college lives, what we did in the past, and what were our backgrounds like.

She said she liked having her friend around so she can be humble. "I need her to humble me," she remarked. To this day, I still don't know what she meant by that.

Her friend came out and said they'd get lunch together. As disappointed as I was that it had to end, I'm glad it happened. "I'll see you around," I said.

"See you later, Ralph!" she replied, walking away, drifting into conversation with her friend.

That was a nice surprise, I thought. Can't wait till the next time.

I put my earphones back on and resume playing the song I was listening to.

Meeting you caused a chain reaction (chain reaction)
I'll take the smallest crumb
But I'll never get back what I lost track of


I remember writing a ton of these back in 2011, dramatizing my interactions with the women I've liked throughout the years. I always like putting it all in writing because I know I'll forget these moments in the future.

I'll admit that I really felt nice about that moment on the bench. Looking back, once again, it could've been so much more.

Wednesday, December 7, 2022

But You Make The Same Old Mistakes

The Doctor: You can't see me, can you? You look at me, and you can't see me. Have you any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone, I'm right here, standing in front of you. Please, just, just see me.

I'll admit I'm a dramatic man. I've done stuff to the point of insanity. Maybe it's the lack of interaction. Maybe it's how I find everyone disappointing lately. Maybe it's just me wanting to be seen by someone but really, it sucks not being able to connect with someone I'm infatuated with. There, I admit it. I make it plain and painfully obvious sometimes. I'm like an open book on a billboard.

It started at the bookstore. Last day to buy books before school starts. This fantastic-looking lady is buying books before me and sure enough, I heard her buy the same books I needed. 

The dramatic and romantic part of me instantly liked her. You know what? I can set the scene. I was a literature major after all. And you know what? Lemme tell you something dramatic in a way that only I can, literature major skills and depression combined. Usually, those work hand in hand with each other.


I arrived on campus a quarter to 10, not realizing that the bookstore opened at 10am. I walked into the VCC bookstore, hoping to find the books I needed. I overheard other people in the bookstore talking about books. Specifically, books I needed because I heard the term "legal office procedures" being said.

There she was. 

Oh lord, why? I thought. She looks fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

She buys the books I needed, and she inadvertently worried me that she bought the last set I need.

Thankfully she didn't. She and I stood side by side in the cashier line and I got curious. "Hey, are you also taking the legal administrative assistant course?" I asked.

She smiled and said, "Yeah, you too, I assume?"

That smile is infectious, I'll admit. I finally had a smile on my face that day. "I am, yeah, so I guess we'll be classmates."

We each paid for our books and she headed out the exit first. I stayed behind to catch a final view of this woman.

"I'll see you in class!" she says with a smile.

"I'll see you soon... classmate."

The song "New Person, Same Old Mistakes" by Tame Impala plays in the background as she walks away.

♬ Feel like a brand-new person
(But you make the same old mistakes)
Well, I don't care I'm in love
(Stop before it's too late, I know) ♬


I know that's not exactly how it went and I had to cut a few parts out such as dialogue and other places where I saw her but that's the gist of it.

But as time went on, it's taken a toll on my mental health, this lack of acknowledgment and social link progress. I admit I expected too much. I know I'm never gonna see her again. I just need to tell her that I liked her just for my own closure because I sometimes think I'll regret it if I don't say it. I can't promise myself it'll be good or turn out well but knowing how I can't shut up about it mentally, it'll be... fantastic.

And that's how my dramatic mind works.


Thursday, December 1, 2022

No Love Lost, No Love Found

Dear classmates and to whom it may concern,

I wanna say thank you for welcoming me with open arms... But you didn't.

Even in the first day, there was already exclusion. All I wanted was to get to know you more. Make a few friends here and there. Make solid connections for future work.

But as time went on, I saw that it was impossible. You showed your true colors but luckily I'm not color-blind. I wanna say I'm sorry... But I won't. And for what? I've even tried mending imaginary fences from no fault it my own. With that being said, I really wished things could've been better but I already saw how it was.

Thank you for adding to the stress of my mental health. Thank you for never acknowledging me whenever I tried to reach out. Thank you for basically never giving me the time of day. I don't appreciate being just another body to pass by but that's what you basically did.

I hope to never see the majority of you ever again. I don't wish you well because why should I? The majority of you never wished me well. And I don't wish you good luck. I wish you would all just disappear. I cannot stand the thought of you interacting with me again. I cannot stand your voices and I never want to see you in my line of sight again.