Friday, May 30, 2014

"Adriana" sent Ralph a message (Part 2)

Yes, Adriana's email was too long for one post. Plus, it was just so stupid with all of the misspellings.

If you missed part 1, click here. Other than that, let's go on with Adriana's long and rambling email.
do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a baror osmehting like that...
Craigslist will probably help you out since there are horny weirdos like you hiding in that website. And bar managers require their employees to have the ability to spell. "One bere and miartiani, comming uup!" doesn't really look too nice.
really anythgin cause my current job is funand all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. icurrently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be outmeeting people.. 

What do you do then? Telemarketing? Emails? Oh, oh, you're a Youtuber! I heard a lot of YouTubers are either attractive or stupid. Either way, people love them and they make money out of being stupid.
oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what idid? hmm shud i......???? 
This isn't a conversation, you know? You can just tell me instead of wasting ellipses and question marks.
ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded outon me.. 
I already am.
i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chatwith people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I KNOW..
Well, you do what you love and you never have to work another day, right? NO IT'S NOT RIGHT, YOU VAPID IDIOT!

How do you get paid though? Ad revenue? Sponsors? I mean, who would actually sponsor webcam chat when the audience is composed of guys jerking off in front of their computer?

Oh. Right.

like ifigure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and playwith myself heheh...
Yeah, it's like people uploading Let's Plays on YouTube. Why play video games when you can get paid to upload videos of you playing the video games? It worked so well for people on YouTube. Hell, even the YouTube guy with the most subscribers is an immature weirdo who screams a lot about rape in his videos.
anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NOTHATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need helponce i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....
I DO LOOK DOWN ON THAT! You get naked on camera for money! And apparently, you've done it so much that you can afford a house and move to my neighborhood! Don't you fucking dare talk to me if you ever see me walking down the street.
like isaid before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NONSTOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and imhopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..
If you can afford to move, why can't you buy a new computer? And don't you have a smartphone where you can send emails? You can afford a smartphone since you can move houses on a whim, right?

By the way, doesn't your email automatically save drafts? Why couldn't you just edit and send that draft instead of having to type everything over again since your computer constantly freezes? Maybe your laptop was attacked by a certain someone with freezing abilities...

ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives eachof us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code ucan lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay likeeveryone else...
Oh, so you do have a boss? Huh. That's... odd. I don't know what kind of credentials she has though. "Can you supervise naked weirdos? Yes? YOU'RE HIRED!"

Since you are giving me a session for free, why not just Skype? I really don't want to have to log in and see other girls I don't know shove cucumbers up their crotches...

the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we canchat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLYUSE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if morethan 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER...
Maybe I will share these codes. It's not like there are a lot of websites out there where you can see naked girls on webcam...

I said "naked girls", not "dicks".
 i figured u cudalways email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let melogin half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room...
Again, have you tried Skype? It's much better than some weird website no one's ever heard of. Wait, your email account doesn't let you log in half the time? What do you use? Lycos? Or maybe you just keep misspelling your password like a little kid. I'm going with the latter.
if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. butremember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUSTU... 
At least you're dedicated in keeping me happy... :)
im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( 
Yes, and you're doing so well with that education. What was it you're doing? Getting naked on webcam for strangers? You're like a low-class porn star. Hell, porn stars make better money than you.
Ireally thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evernremember me hahha.. 
I checked Facebook message history. I don't remember you at all... :(

anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably

soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. 

YES! PLEASE STOP WITH THIS RETARDED EMAIL! It was like you were typing with one hand while you were groping yourself with the other.

im gonna go start work.. ireally hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of mystress about the move... REALLY i mean that....
You're probably gonna have too much fun touching yourself before you even get to see me.
anyways once i see u ininsdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours..
Oh so you do have a cellphone! Use that instead of your shitty laptop! Wait, how do you know what I look like anyway if you can't find me on Facebook?
if u dont wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find menow days..
No, no, I know where I can find other people like you.

See? I even got 4 more emails from people like you.

 if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get thereafter my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. 
So you're telling me you won't be able to check your email account after you've somehow sent me this email because you're instantly cutting off your current internet connection to move? But you said you worked at home, getting naked on webcam! If you're computer keeps freezing, how are you able to work your "job"?! Do you have a second computer? If so, why not just use that to check emails?!
but im hopignto see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code imgonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLSINSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha...k babe im outfor now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana
Don't you fucking dare lick my balls, you horny weirdo. I hope your computer fries itself beyond repair and you lose your naked webcam job.

Well, that was fun actually. I absolutely enjoyed making fun of that email. Thanks for reading it all the way through and I hope Adriana didn't give you a headache with her bullshit spelling skills.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

"Adriana" sent Ralph a message (Part 1)

Checking my emails recently and got a really old spam. But the thing that I like about this particular email is that it's just so bullshit and specific that it's really bloody hilarious. It's apparently about Adriana and you talked to her once and she's been emailing you constantly. Here, see for yourself as I rip it apart.

Subject: "Adriana sent you a message...?"
BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive beentryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece ofgarbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been? 
*You're. And how much processing power do you actually need where sending emails freezes your laptop? I have two laptops and they don't freeze when I send emails but maybe that's because I use Google Chrome. Are you using an older version of Firefox? Internet Explorer perhaps?
In case u dont know who this is its ME Adriana.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and thenI think u deleted me :(
Oh, we used to chat a bit on Facebook? Here, lemme check my message history.

No, I don't see you here, Adriana. Lemme check older messages.

Nothing here as well. Let me try really old messages since you did say we used to chat a lot.

No! Nothing here as well! Adriana, you're lying to me and my message history. Sure, I delete people a lot to the point where I don't remember their names anymore since they don't matter now but never once have I deleted someone named Adriana because I have never had a friend named Adriana (as of this writing). You think I'd break off a friendship without even knowing that friendship existed?
haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things totell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke upabout 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEARU.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..
1) I don't really care if you're single because I didn't really know anything about our friendship until this email. And I assume he dumped you for a girl with a laptop that doesn't freeze. Also, this email is getting long so how is your laptop able to send this without freezing? Internet cafe?

2) Really now? 3 cousins and you chose to live alone near some guy you barely know on the Internet? Priorities, woman.

Also, how do you know where I live?! Oh right, freakin' Google Maps probably told you. My house is the one that has my name on the sign outside.

Yeah, that's the one. So that must mean your house is...

Oh my god, there you are! Wow! This is such a small neighborhood!

I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally can HAHA! im kinda scared to move..
 NEVER in my life have I ever told a girl I'd like to "chill" with her. I'd like to "hang out" with her or I'd like to "kill" her is something I'm more likely to say than "chill". And why did you move in the first place if you were too scared?
im hoping this email addy is stillthe one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe evenhelp me move my shit in...
Jesus Christ, now wonder your boyfriend broke up with you - you can barely spell. Either that or you're having a seizure as you typed this and yet continued to do so. And no, I won't help you move your stuff. Casual hookups don't help each other move stuff; people in relationships do.
are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui wassoo confused...
You couldn't find the user interface of your Facebook account? It's the first bloody thing you see when you log in to your Facebook account. My god, are you THAT confused about everything? First it's your spelling and now it's basically using the computer. Get help.
anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town andtake me out so u better be around bebe...
Yeah, I can totally show you around the pawn shops and the bus stops but that's basically where the tour ends.
we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know ubetter when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnttell u cause i wasnt single lol
Even if this is coming from a spam bot who says the same stuff, I still find that hard to believe. I mean, come on, you can tell me I'm cute! It's a compliment, not a marriage proposal!
ok so more info about me.. well im23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out fordrinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel..
So basically, you're the exact opposite of me.
 i have a lil kitty namedBOO and i luv her to death... 
She probably hates that you keep moving to the neighborhood of every guy you try to hook up with.
uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too butevery gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and allthat.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..
 I DON'T. I don't like sex! You don't know me at all, Adriana! How could you! After all those times you said we chatted! If we did chat, I'd have probably said "I think you look great", not "ur cute, let's fuck"!

Also, I find it funny that probably some guy out there fell for this and thought "WOW! She's perfect! Now I remember her!"
I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i getthere enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arentmarried yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there..
You've seen my message history! You weren't part of that!

And married? I'm still on practicum (as of this writing) and I do nothing but play video games on my days off! Why the hell would I be married when I still have Assassin's Creed Ezio Trilogy to finish?

10/10 Would recommend it to friends
No, Adriana, you can't come over to play!