Wednesday, September 19, 2018

I have to go back, I need to go back

I have to go back home, I wanna go back home sooner or later.

Because that's my thing, right? If I start to like someone, I just leave the country until I get over it? I did that with Krisly, right? So that must've worked. I did that with Elisa too, and my friends called me out on it. "Spending 1K dollars to get away from your feelings" as they said.

And now that I can't get over Daniela, I wanna go back home. I wanna go and take another 17 hour plane ride to the Philippines where I'm groggy and miserable and cranky and older than everyone else now and I have no one. So I'm in a plane full of people and I'm still alone. I'm not Alain de Botton where he met his girlfriend in "Essays in Love" in a flight.

I wanna go back home where people know me and for sure I won't like anyone because I'll just be in the country for a finite amount of time. Can't like someone for less than a month. Shut up.

I got way more Tinder matches in the Philippines for some reason anyway and they weren't really my type of girls. The type I like actually reply to messages and hold a conversation, something apparently rare nowadays. "She replied? WITH MORE THAN ONE WORD? Bloody hell, that's impressive!" rather than them replying dryly with "Mhm" or "LOL" or "I don't know when I'll ever get the time."

I wanna go home. I don't wanna see Daniela on the downtown train. I don't wanna see anybody. I don't wanna feel anything for anyone for that matter.

I don't have to worry

Oh I don't have to worry, right? I don't have to worry about saying the right things, trying to get past a land mine of eggshells. I don't have to worry about doing the right things too, taking time out of my "busy" schedule and making time for someone to share how miserable or wonderful our days went. I don't have to worry about that.
I don't even have to worry about my friends not liking some girl they just met if I ever bring her to the Philippines to basically relive my 2018 vacation with someone else. Yes, including Indonesia. I don't have to worry about my family liking or not liking this girl l. I don't have to have to.
Maybe I'm just dwelling on something that I should've let go several months ago.
I don't have to hide, disguise, or deny it. I really don't have to worry then. Right?

Art Appreciation Self-Portrait If I Won The Lottery

I rummaged through more files and found an unfinished paper that I had for Art Appreciation class back in UST. Long post ahead, by the way.

I dropped out of my Art Application class back in 2012 because I was too goddamn broken. That's when my depression started and I didn't even wanna set foot in any class, let alone a class where I was supposed to express myself somehow. Anyway, I salvaged some of the paper and the idea's still there. Might as well post it here.

At first, I wanted to do something similar to "500 Days of Summer" and call it something else but I didn't know how to pad that out to 20 minutes or so. It would've involved Nirvana'a "Heart Shaped Box" in one way or another. Another idea was lip syncing to "Stay" by Mayday Parade. However, if given the money and resources, I thought of one where it's over the top and captures everything well.

The song "How Come You Don't Want Me" by Tegan and Sara was the theme song of my 2012 basically. I was miserable. Sheena and Krisly broke my heart. I had a falling out with "friends" of mine, which was for the better, in hindsight.

I'm as open as a book blasted by a shotgun USUALLY but I didn't really want to do this whole elaborate art project on how a few girls broke me on the inside. Especially Krisly because goddamn, how do you make that into an art project?

Anyway, the video would start with the song playing as I get off the tricycle, because that's when I started using public transit, albeit taking a tricycle ride solo.

"I can't say that I'm sorry for getting so ahead of myself / I can't say that I'm sorry for loving you and hating myself"

The video would start with me walking from Lacson street into the campus while I lip sync with the song. I know Tegan and Sara sang the song but I could've always used a male cover.

As the song goes on, it's all a continuous shot with different things getting in the way. A group of Commerce students cross the screen. An ice cream man sells ice cream in bread rolls to Engineering students. A security guard clotheslines a jejemon fuckboy. I get handed a plush pink puppy and instantly hand it off to a group of CTHM friends of mine. This would go on from Lacson to Lover's Lane until the AB building. A bit of random things that can be seen in UST at the time.

Now we get to the good parts.

"One day soon / I won't be the one who waits on you"

As this part of the song plays, four ninjas surround me asking I reach the Plaza Mayor. Like a fight scene action movie, of course, they charge one at a time. I hit one guy with a punch; hit another guy with a back elbow; superkick the third guy. The fourth guy charges and I catch him with a spinebuster. The logistics of taking a bump on concrete isn't very feasible but hey, it's for a project.

"Someday soon / I won't be the one who waits on you"

The first guy who was hit with a punch stands up then I kick him in the gut and give him a Pedigree, on concrete nonetheless.

There's a bit of a musical interlude before the next chorus starts which gives me time to fix my jacket, which I would obviously be wearing because that's my signature getup in UST.

"How come you don't want me now..."

The ninjas all slowly run away because the scene's over. It's meant to look phony.

As I reach the AB building, the rest of the chorus plays on a crescendo and I see dozens and dozens of students on the sidewalk walking from the Dapitan entrance, pass the AB building entrance, and towards the plaza mayor.

So it's two lines in this parade of students. One line is full of dudes in AB uniforms. They're walking beside alternating girls in AB uniforms and CTHM uniforms. So it's one guy walking beside an AB girl followed by another guy walking beside a CTHM girl.

"Tell me why you couldn't try, couldn't try and keep me here."

When the last lyric is sung, I turn my head to the left and there's no one around. No one in the pavilions. No one walking on the sidewalk. No one nearby. It was all in my head after all. Cut to black.

Why this song though? Well, several reasons. The title alone is self-explanatory. "How Come You Don't Want Me" is a question I asked internally. After being bullshitted by Sheena, who the AB girls in the video would represent, I constantly asked that question because for once, I didn't like her for her looks. I constantly asked it again when Krisly, who the CTHM girls in the video would represent, decided to not be a friend anymore and ask "WHY DOES EVERYONE FALL IN LOVE WITH ME? UGH!"

That fight scene would symbolize my frustration at how things are going - It's all shit and it's always been shit. It's reminiscent of the music video for "Misery" by Maroon 5, but without the disturbing domestic violence on Adam Levine.

That parade of AB dudes walking with AB and CTHM girls alternately was to signify my jealousy on what I wanted. The idea came from a scene from the show "How I Met Your Mother" where Ted gets out of his apartment building and there's dozens of people under yellow umbrellas walking about. The yellow umbrellas signifies what Ted is looking for - his future wife. The huge line of couples signifies what I've lost and these are just phantoms or hallucinations. No, I didn't steal that from Metal Gear Solid V, which was released 3 years later. I don't need to create a time paradox here.

The ending of the video is basically me telling myself that "No, it's not gonna happen. Those extravagant fantasies won't happen and never will happen. Yes, you CAN like someone but she's not obligated to like you back, asshole."

That's about it. I can only create art if I had a whole bunch of money for therapy.