From Getting That Judging Look Last Wednesday

Classmates, I'd like to thank you for welcoming me with open arms but... you didn't.

I remember last Wednesday and I got no eye contact when I said hello to the useless blonde hairballs I call classmates. I remember walking in, saying hello to one of them and I get a judging look for no reason. So I see how it is.

If you all are at fault, fuck you. If you're not, I apologize.

What did I ever do in this world to deserve empty-headed, hollow, indifferent, fucking dumb fuck classmates to not acknowledge me? For what? Not a goddamn thing. 

I'm old, I'm tired, I'm depressed, and I work with children.

Yes, this is my media scrum.

That's Gotta Be Cane

 "So Ralphy, why are you walking with a cane this week?"

I'm glad you asked, Ralph! I did cool guy shit and I'm paying for it.

So in front of the college building I go to, there's a bench that's close to the sidewalk. I've always wanted to jump onto it and jump off because why not? Back story, I like how I dressed on that Monday. Suit jacket with a hoodie and a sport shirt, jeans, and dress shoes. 

I can already hear a black cat say "Looking cool, Joker!"

So I thought, "Why not? I look good. Let's do this." So I jump on the bench, then off it. Then BAM! Dress shoes don't really have a lot of bounce to them, wooden heel and all. There was a moment of regret there because I felt my left heel hurt for a bit. I thought I could walk it off for the rest of the day, even going to the mall and buying a new sport jacket too.

Going home, that's when I felt it. My left heel hurt like hell and I felt like I couldn't walk. I knew that I wouldn't walk as well as I wanted without some support. So I bought a cane.

Cool guy getting cool guy things

The cane that I chose was buried under a batch of ugly floral or camouflaged canes that would look so out of place anywhere with anyone under the age of 95. Even the elderly from the 70's would say "tone it back on the color, maaaaan!" 

Honestly, I loved using it. I mean, it was still painful as hell but I felt cool using it. With the cane, I wanted to match it with outfits and get a good look out of it. Simply using a cane with a hoodie and sweatpants looks like I'm just too fat to walk. With an overcoat, it just feels class, or may I say, cool dude shit.

"Bring me the Batman!"

A classmate of mine said I looked like The Penguin from the Batman comics, which I still find cool, surprisingly. All I needed was a monocle and I'm set!

So yes, that's my story of why I walked with a cane for a week. Cool guy shit.

For The People I Knew

Lately, it's not been good socially. With school happening and work on the weekends, I can admit I haven't been social and getting new social links nowadays. Classmates are good, not great, I'll admit. Friendships could be better but I don't know. I'm a slow starter. It's not always clicking as it once did with certain people.

Speaking of certain people, the phrase "people come and go" come to heart. Personally, it's hard for me to keep people around. I admit I'm not a good person. I'm trying. I really am. And I don't know how to get better at it. A part of me is good at self-sabotage, ruining things easily because I feel like I don't deserve good things. I thought this part of me had been suppressed because I'm too good at suppressing emotions until they burst out. Thank you, Vancouver Community College 6th floor stairwell, for being my safe space. I refer to it as "my stairwell" during counseling.

If Grey's Anatomy has elevators, Ralphy has the stairwell

It's easy to tell someone they do good. It's easy to tell someone that they're a good person. The hard part is that person has to believe it. That person has to understand that all they do is good and that people are right.

I've lost people. And surely, I'll keep losing people. It doesn't get easier. It just hurts less and you get used to it. But it doesn't stop.

Mental Note I'm Posting Online For Some Reason

I just wanted to tell you that I liked you. Like, a lot. I've liked you since the beginning of the program. And I know I'm not gonna see you again. Not like this, not with this damn old face. And before I go, I just wanted to tell you that you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what?

...So was I.

Video Game Thoughts - Xbox One Love

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Last time I was in confession was in 2014 when I confessed I like mobile games. I always thought I was a Sony fanboy at heart, not that it's a good thing or anything. Just a self-observation. I still played the occasional mobile game whenever I get the urge to. Two of my favorite mobile games have been Arknights and Genshin Impact, a better version of Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Yeah, I said it.

Zelda games don't come with adrenaline rushes caused by gambling

Sorry, Father, I got on a tangent there. Out of half impulse and half intrigue, I bought an Xbox One. Not even the most recent one - the Xbox Series X - because it's even scarcer than the PlayStation 5, which is surprising. I bought an Xbox One secondhand, because why would I spend "new console" money on something that I have a better version of?

It was originally supposed to be just a machine for Game Pass, this subscription service that's like Netflix but for games. My friend suggested that I get Game Pass for my laptop because I have a capable one now. Then got impulsive and bought a new console instead. The first game I actually played through the service was Life Is Strange: True Colors, part of my favorite series, which made the whole thing worth it. Honestly, for one subscription fee, I could download hundreds of full games (storage space willing) and basically play them until my subscription ended. The first month was a dollar as it was Microsoft saying "hey, the first one's (kinda) free!" I hear that's how cocaine addicts start their journey; their journey to cocaine but a journey nonetheless.

I stopped subscribing to Game Pass because I realized that I only have so much storage space on the system. The Xbox One I bought has 500 gigabytes of storage but 150 of that is used for the system operating system so I'm stuck with 350 gigabytes, which may seem like a lot but consider that some games go up to 100 gigabytes alone so 2 and a half big games would basically eat up my system.

The next dilemma I had was buying games I wanted for the system. Having a PlayStation 4 years ahead of getting an Xbox One put me in a crisis on what to get. Do I rebuild my collection of games for the PS4, basically starting over again but now the cases are green?

What I realized when buying used Xbox One games, they can get cheaper because it seems that people have given up on physical games for the system in exchange for Game Pass. Because think about it, 18 dollars gets you access to hundreds of games while that same 18 dollars would get you one used game on average. With the rise in the usage of Game Pass and the Xbox One system having a digital-only version, I assume people have just gotten rid of their physical games. Why bother putting all these green boxes in shelves when you can just download them with no shelving commitment?

I somehow thought it would be a nice Assassins Creed machine so I started collecting various games of the series. I never really rekindled my love for the games since The Ezio Collection, which is basically me saying that I prefer Dynasty Warriors 4 because I started with it. So I eventually started building up my collection of games for the system.

Unlike my PS4 collection, this is basically all I have (FOR NOW)

 

Buying games I've already played on the PS4 just gave me a reason to play them again. Gotta get all those achievements for my gamer score. I got lucky finding a copy of Deadpool, which is apparently so hard to find nowadays and realizing years later that I shouldn't have sold my copy of it in 2015. 

A game I never really played in my life was Halo. I never owned an Xbox system ever nor have I played it on PC. So I finally got around to playing Halo: Master Chief Collection, which I felt like I missed out on all my life. I love playing campaigns of first person shooters. I love Call of Duty games because of the campaigns so the Master Chief Collection just gave me a ton of games to play through. I played Halo: ODST first because it's the first game on the timeline and after so many deaths and wasted ammo due to piss poor accuracy, it was a good experience. I'm currently halfway through the first Halo game and even after all these years, it's fun for a first timer like me.

Overall, I loved my impulse buy. It's been a great experience because I haven't had a new console in a while and building a collection is definitely a fun hobby.

Moral of the story here is that you should listen to your impulses because they're always good.

What's that, Father? Sorry, I forgot I was still in the confession booth. Penance is one rosary? Thank you, Father.

School, You See?

After quitting my old job back in February for reasons (IE emergency room, playing "Chasing Cars"-in-my-head-related reasons), I didn't work for several months. What I wanted to do was find another job but I was scared of going back to my old ways and possibly relapsing again, leading to another trip to the psych ward.

"If I lay here~ If I just lay here~"

I remember going home from the hospital and my sister suggested that I go back to school. It was a point of contention with my old manager who kept meddling in my personal life. "Go back to school or stay in this store forever." The problem is that I liked working in that store until he came back and was just insufferable out of nowhere. He wanted me to go to school with him, but I didn't and he got mad and attacked me personally. I didn't consider him anything other than a work friend so why bother? This tough love shit was already exhausting and burning me out. 

This led to an existential crisis that ended with me in the psych ward, as mentioned before. It wasn't the best experience. The food was good though. Hospital shepherd's pie? Surprisingly tasty. The walk of shame going out? Surprisingly not fun.

I didn't wanna stay in the same job forever and I felt trapped in this shitty, high-pressure job for several years. I felt like I couldn't make the best of it any longer but I tried and it burned me out too much. I wanted to at least have a good time with it but with the amount of annoying work and disregard for mental health the job gave me, it wasn't worth it.

It was when I had to run everything by myself that gave me the time of my life. It was great. They couldn't take that away from me. I loved it because it gave me a glimpse of what I wanted eventually. However, I couldn't stay there in a toxic environment.

After 6 months of not working and basically enjoying life, figuring out who my real friends are, figuring out who my good friends are, I felt like I regenerated to a new self. 

"KIDNEYS! I got new kidneys! I don't like the color."

There was a time I was very, very anxious to go out because I knew what I was capable of doing now. But I feel like going back to school was a good step forward. I had my months of recovery with no work and I loved it, but now it's time to actually make a step forward.

I wanna feel good about myself. And I don't know how.

So far, I've been trying my best to actually be a good student. With getting A's, which I never got a lot of in high school or college, I wanted to be consistent and maybe then, I'll feel good about myself. But so far, that's not working.