Tuesday, October 4, 2022

School, You See?

After quitting my old job back in February for reasons (IE emergency room, playing "Chasing Cars"-in-my-head-related reasons), I didn't work for several months. What I wanted to do was find another job but I was scared of going back to my old ways and possibly relapsing again, leading to another trip to the psych ward.

"If I lay here~ If I just lay here~"

I remember going home from the hospital and my sister suggested that I go back to school. It was a point of contention with my old manager who kept meddling in my personal life. "Go back to school or stay in this store forever." The problem is that I liked working in that store until he came back and was just insufferable out of nowhere. He wanted me to go to school with him, but I didn't and he got mad and attacked me personally. I didn't consider him anything other than a work friend so why bother? This tough love shit was already exhausting and burning me out. 

This led to an existential crisis that ended with me in the psych ward, as mentioned before. It wasn't the best experience. The food was good though. Hospital shepherd's pie? Surprisingly tasty. The walk of shame going out? Surprisingly not fun.

I didn't wanna stay in the same job forever and I felt trapped in this shitty, high-pressure job for several years. I felt like I couldn't make the best of it any longer but I tried and it burned me out too much. I wanted to at least have a good time with it but with the amount of annoying work and disregard for mental health the job gave me, it wasn't worth it.

It was when I had to run everything by myself that gave me the time of my life. It was great. They couldn't take that away from me. I loved it because it gave me a glimpse of what I wanted eventually. However, I couldn't stay there in a toxic environment.

After 6 months of not working and basically enjoying life, figuring out who my real friends are, figuring out who my good friends are, I felt like I regenerated to a new self. 

"KIDNEYS! I got new kidneys! I don't like the color."

There was a time I was very, very anxious to go out because I knew what I was capable of doing now. But I feel like going back to school was a good step forward. I had my months of recovery with no work and I loved it, but now it's time to actually make a step forward.

I wanna feel good about myself. And I don't know how.

So far, I've been trying my best to actually be a good student. With getting A's, which I never got a lot of in high school or college, I wanted to be consistent and maybe then, I'll feel good about myself. But so far, that's not working.