Risk Failure

There's a quote I always go back to whenever I have a setback in work or my career in general. It's a quote from wrestling manager and former promoter Paul Heyman said in the Rise and Fall of ECW documentary.

"I'll risk failure. Sometimes, half the fun is failing. Learning from your mistakes, waking up the next morning, and saying 'Okay. Watch out. Here I come again. A little bit smarter, licking my wounds, and really not looking forward to getting my ass kicked the way I just did yesterday.' So now, I'm just a little more dangerous."

With Thanks To My Teachers

On Tuesday, I had my last day alone in the classroom before the disrespectful classmates came back for the last two days of class. I like to think that Tuesday, January 17, was my final day in school. I've said my goodbyes. I've taken in the moments in the empty classroom. A classroom I won't see again soon.

My teacher was there on campus surprisingly so I was able to thank her properly for all her help. I couldn't have made it this far without her. The back row of classroom was considered cursed because the people I shared a row with had either quit or got kicked out. It was depressing for me but my teacher was happy that I stayed and made it through. I told her how nervous I was to move on, how sad I was that I wanna know what happens next. She said she wouldn't have given me all these tasks in class if she didn't think I can do it. She believed in me when I know I couldn't and I consider that a kind gesture.

Today, January 18, I properly offered my gratitude to another teacher. She called me a kind person, which I appreciate. Sometimes I don't feel it but I try to be kind whenever I can. "Always try to be nice but never fail to be kind," I said. I told her that I was thankful I had her as a teacher. She basically said that the best thing for a teacher was to watch their students flourish. I thanked her for being patient with me and how I can never thank her enough.

I could never thank these teachers enough. They changed my life. They taught me everything I know in this new career I'm taking. I wish I won't disappoint them.

Being Done With School

 

Everything ends and it's always sad, but everything begins again, too. And that's always happy. Be happy.
- 12th Doctor

Part of me is sad that school is ending. I mean, it was only a 5-month course and it was so good to get A's again. It's been years since I've done well in school. This is just a step to a better career. I had great teachers that helped me out so much. I'm sad about my routine being over. Graduation goggles, as they call it.

I could do so much more. So much more. But this is what I get. My reward. Well, it's not fair!
- 10th Doctor

I had high hopes of making good connections with these people I called classmates. Despite my optimism for new social links, they have been disappointing, to say the least.

 I wish it could've gone differently with these people but at the same time, I dislike everything about them for how they treated me. I honestly can't stand them hindering class with their bullshit, if I'm being honest (and I always am).

I'll Never Get Back What I Lost Track Of

There was a time when I was hoping to have a better friendship with this classmate who I used to like. It's been a while since I actually liked someone and had a reason to be in the same room as them. Unfortunately, they never meet my self-imposed expectations 

My time with this collective group of disappointments is coming to an end and I know it could've been better. I could've done so much more. So much more. And this is my reward. I can't say it's not fair but I dislike it. I didn't do a goddamn thing.

There was a point where I expected things to go differently. It was in the program's early stages, and I was still trying to be this friendly person who introduced himself to everyone because I wanted to make connections for this new career I was pursuing. As time went on, they just stopped acknowledging me for some reason. I still don't know why and I resent a lot of them for it.

Well, let's get the dramatic description of how I saw things and how I expected something out of the way again.

---

I finished the quiz that day, half an hour early, and had lots of time to calm down. I wanted to calm down and relax somewhere. I didn't know anyone else that well yet so those storylines and social links haven't started yet. I remember it would've been a great opportunity to talk to the girl I like, the one I have a big crush on, but I could never get any opportunities. I sat on this yellow bench outside my classroom. Not the best seat but it'll do. I put on my earphones and listen to some HAIM. The song, "Lost Track". Very appropriate.

♫ Mastered my own luck

But it wasn't easy

I'm tryin' to feel alright

Around all these people

I try, but I'm just numb

This time ♫

As the song played through my earphones, I just thought, well, nothing's gonna happen today so might as well just stay in my own head.

Then without warning, she comes from around the corner, finishing a phone call. I recognized that blonde hair anywhere. As she sat down on the same bench, I thought, this must be a joke, right?

A chance to talk to someone I admire just came out of nowhere. How often would that happen? 

"Oh hey," I said casually. "Everything okay?"

She smiled and nodded. "Everything's good. How are you?"

"I'm okay, just vibing," I said jokingly, trying to be a cool guy. "So tell me more about your life story."

She told me more about herself, which I've wanted to hear for several weeks now. It was nice to know more about this person through casual, lighthearted conversation. We exchanged details about our college lives, what we did in the past, and what were our backgrounds like.

She said she liked having her friend around so she can be humble. "I need her to humble me," she remarked. To this day, I still don't know what she meant by that.

Her friend came out and said they'd get lunch together. As disappointed as I was that it had to end, I'm glad it happened. "I'll see you around," I said.

"See you later, Ralph!" she replied, walking away, drifting into conversation with her friend.

That was a nice surprise, I thought. Can't wait till the next time.

I put my earphones back on and resume playing the song I was listening to.

♫ Meeting you caused a chain reaction (chain reaction)

I'll take the smallest crumb

But I'll never get back what I lost track of ♫

---

I remember writing a ton of these back in 2011, dramatizing my interactions with the women I've liked throughout the years. I always like putting it all in writing because I know I'll forget these moments in the future.

I'll admit that I really felt nice about that moment on the bench. Looking back, once again, it could've been so much more.

But You Make The Same Old Mistakes

The Doctor: You can't see me, can you? You look at me, and you can't see me. Have you any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone, I'm right here, standing in front of you. Please, just, just see me.

I'll admit I'm a dramatic man. I've done stuff to the point of insanity. Maybe it's the lack of interaction. Maybe it's how I find everyone disappointing lately. Maybe it's just me wanting to be seen by someone but really, it sucks not being able to connect with someone I'm infatuated with. There, I admit it. I make it plain and painfully obvious sometimes. I'm like an open book on a billboard.

It started at the bookstore. Last day to buy books before school starts. This fantastic-looking lady is buying books before me and sure enough, I heard her buy the same books I needed. 

The dramatic and romantic part of me instantly liked her. You know what? I can set the scene. I was a literature major after all. And you know what? Lemme tell you something dramatic in a way that only I can, literature major skills and depression combined. Usually, those work hand in hand with each other.

---

I arrived on campus a quarter to 10, not realizing that the bookstore opened at 10am. I walked into the VCC bookstore, hoping to find the books I needed. I overheard other people in the bookstore talking about books. Specifically, books I needed because I heard the term "legal office procedures" being said.

There she was. 

Oh lord, why? I thought. She looks fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

She buys the books I needed, and she inadvertently worried me that she bought the last set I need.

Thankfully she didn't. She and I stood side by side in the cashier line and I got curious. "Hey, are you also taking the legal administrative assistant course?" I asked.

She smiled and said, "Yeah, you too, I assume?"

That smile is infectious, I'll admit. I finally had a smile on my face that day. "I am, yeah, so I guess we'll be classmates."

We each paid for our books and she headed out the exit first. I stayed behind to catch a final view of this woman.

"I'll see you in class!" she says with a smile.

"I'll see you soon... classmate."

The song "New Person, Same Old Mistakes" by Tame Impala plays in the background as she walks away.

♬ Feel like a brand-new person

(But you make the same old mistakes)

Well, I don't care I'm in love

(Stop before it's too late, I know) ♬

---

I know that's not exactly how it went and I had to cut a few parts out such as dialogue and other places where I saw her but that's the gist of it.

But as time went on, it's taken a toll on my mental health, this lack of acknowledgment and social link progress. I admit I expected too much. I know I'm never gonna see her again. I just need to tell her that I liked her just for my own closure because I sometimes think I'll regret it if I don't say it. I can't promise myself it'll be good or turn out well but knowing how I can't shut up about it mentally, it'll be... fantastic.

And that's how my dramatic mind works.