I'm done trying to ask and see if you'd be interested. That's fiiiiine. I'm done looking like an idiot.
I'm now trying to get over what I thought I had in my head. It ain't your fault but at the same time, looking at you just makes me feel worse.
To quote The Smiths: Message received, loud and clear. I thought you'd be different. I thought you'd see me.
You know it's kinda weird to see someone you know you were going to ask out in the near future and you just lose feelings for them in a snap. It's like the lights turn on and you see that the room's been empty and everything you've assumed inside wasn't there after all. It's hard to explain.
Part of me thinks I'm fickle and I've just grown accustomed to that feeling of temporary infatuation. Then you realize it doesn't matter and you don't matter to them and it was all just overthinking in your head. You're back to square one with one less person you had feelings for.
Lately, I've been too focused on nothing, if that makes sense. I really, really wanted to see if things go right with this lady. I really wanted to take a chance and see where it goes.
Sometimes, when I feel sad about someone or I overthink, I just immediately think, "It doesn't matter." Not that the person I'm infatuated with doesn't matter or the thoughts don't matter; it's just me telling myself that what I feel doesn't matter and it's a great way of coping for myself.
Never said it was healthy but goddamn, it's so justified. It's a great way to just dismiss the matter because it really isn't important for anyone else other than me. So does it matter? No. It doesn't matter and I get to live with that.
It's my head singing "I'm done with you, I'm ignoring you. I don't wanna know."
There's a quote I always go back to whenever I have a setback in work or my career in general. It's a quote from wrestling manager and former promoter Paul Heyman said in the Rise and Fall of ECW documentary.
"I'll risk failure. Sometimes, half the fun is failing. Learning from your mistakes, waking up the next morning, and saying 'Okay. Watch out. Here I come again. A little bit smarter, licking my wounds, and really not looking forward to getting my ass kicked the way I just did yesterday.' So now, I'm just a little more dangerous."
On Tuesday, I had my last day alone in the classroom before the disrespectful classmates came back for the last two days of class. I like to think that Tuesday, January 17, was my final day in school. I've said my goodbyes. I've taken in the moments in the empty classroom. A classroom I won't see again soon.
My teacher was there on campus surprisingly so I was able to thank her properly for all her help. I couldn't have made it this far without her. The back row of classroom was considered cursed because the people I shared a row with had either quit or got kicked out. It was depressing for me but my teacher was happy that I stayed and made it through. I told her how nervous I was to move on, how sad I was that I wanna know what happens next. She said she wouldn't have given me all these tasks in class if she didn't think I can do it. She believed in me when I know I couldn't and I consider that a kind gesture.
Today, January 18, I properly offered my gratitude to another teacher. She called me a kind person, which I appreciate. Sometimes I don't feel it but I try to be kind whenever I can. "Always try to be nice but never fail to be kind," I said. I told her that I was thankful I had her as a teacher. She basically said that the best thing for a teacher was to watch their students flourish. I thanked her for being patient with me and how I can never thank her enough.
I could never thank these teachers enough. They changed my life. They taught me everything I know in this new career I'm taking. I wish I won't disappoint them.