"Keep Going"

No matter how hard it gets. No matter who tells you stupid shit.

No matter if she goes crazy, cheats on you, doesn't have any follow-through, doesn't care if you die, won't give you the time of day, or leaves eventually, you keep going.

Because where else will you go?

VINDICATED

It's genuinely a great feeling to find out that someone took your advice after 2 years and did the same thing as you. You know, like go in the same field by going to the same college and take the same course with the same teacher.

I remember telling someone I started having feelings for about how I got out of retail. Problem is that she chickened out because I had feelings and asked her out. Too bad, so sad.

But knowing that she did do it 2 years later? Fuck yeah. No, I'm not happy for her. I'm happy I'm right.

Vindicated! I am selfish, I am wrong right! I am right! I swear I'm right! Swear I knew it all along and I you are flawed!

Now That We Don't Talk

The thing about not wanting to talk to someone yourself is that you have the option of changing that. The onus is on you if you decided to stop not talking to someone. You can take forever not talking to someone and basically leaving them metaphorically dead to you and you alone.

You put up a wall strong enough and it keeps that person out. Eventually they'll take the hint when you want to take that wall down. Then the onus is on them if they want to actually talk to you again. Not that there's anything wrong with that, really. People are allowed to pick and choose who they let in through their walls.

Ah well, it was worth a shot. shrug

Swear to Me

"Swear to me. Swear to me that everything you told me about going back to school to get out of this job you hate is true. And you were really trying to better yourself. Swear to me."

"I swear." 

"...Okay."

But you're still the same

You know it's kinda weird to see someone you know you were going to ask out in the near future and you just lose feelings for them in a snap. It's like the lights turn on and you see that the room's been empty and everything you've assumed inside wasn't there after all. It's hard to explain.

Part of me thinks I'm fickle and I've just grown accustomed to that feeling of temporary infatuation. Then you realize it doesn't matter and you don't matter to them and it was all just overthinking in your head. You're back to square one with one less person you had feelings for.

Lately, I've been too focused on nothing, if that makes sense. I really, really wanted to see if things go right with this lady. I really wanted to take a chance and see where it goes.

Rebecca

Look, I know you're never gonna read this but this is more for me and it's something I just need to say into the ether. Let me be selfish for once and let me not do things to make you happy. Because I really was happy to know you. And I won't forget the nights in New West. I wonder if it could've been so much more.

I only contacted you again recently to see if you were single. But you're not. And you're married now. And I couldn't accept that and have you in my life again at the same time because I know I'd be jealous.

Yet, I did miss you for a time. You taught me a lot about responsibility and accountability. You taught me a lot about what women go through and you taught me to be a better person. You got me into Grey's Anatomy. Without you, I wouldn't have binged 16 seasons of the show. I enjoyed watching it with you and I'll never forget that.

That's how I want to remember you. The girl I really liked who I enjoyed meeting up at the pier in New West. The girl who at one point would drop everything for because I wanted to cheer you up. Everything was okay because I was talking to you. That's all I have now.

I'm genuinely... not happy for you. I'm not happy for you at all. I'm not happy you're married. That's the selfish part of me. I could say that I am happy and "I wish you and your American husband the best" but I'm not because I don't feel that at all. I'm not happy for you, as petty and selfish and bitter as it is. I genuinely had feelings for you you but sometimes things aren't meant to be and the storyline doesn't play out. 

To paraphrase a Doctor, I just wanted you to see me. You never saw me. You looked at me and you couldn't see me. Do you have any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone anymore. I was right there. Standing in front of you, telling you "Please just see me."

Clearly, that was a mistake on my part because I'm not allowed to be happy. I'm selfish, I know.

Goodbye, Rebecca.

Dates

Of course, I still haven't met anyone. Are you crazy? If I meet someone, I'm sure she'll tell me to delete my blog and such. 

The women I like would never like me back and the ones who I do try to date are, for a lack of a better word, "crazy". Honestly, it's hard. I've said it before: the ones I've had a connection with either left, gone crazy, been toxic, or just ran away.

There were two that have been the worst and they stand out.

I was so close to meeting up with one girl. She had already scheduled a babysitter for her kid and we were gonna get ramen after work.  Then she said we weren't compatible because of our horoscopes so she canceled. I honestly don't know how that works so I was just confused.

There was also a girl who I thought I had a good rapport with until she told me her prices. You know, how much to do whichever. That was just disappointing, to be honest.

Maybe I'm just broken after what happened recently. Maybe this is as close as I get to anything. 

How To Save a Life

I've watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy, I admit. Well, up until my last favorite character had left in season 16 and I was stuck with the weird ones I didn't like as much. Anyway, I'll admit I never considered watching it until I started watching it with a girl I liked. Well, I liked her, she didn't like me at all, so I just watched it on my own (Screw you, Rebecca.)

When I'm feeling depressed, I admit that I've imagined myself being resuscitated by paramedics. It's one of the few scenarios I think about. Like, I collapse at work, paramedics come, and in my head is just this song and as dramatic as it sounds, I'm just seeing all the women I've had feelings for. It just makes me realize that I'm alone until the end.

No, I'm not happy for you

Something that really, really gets to me is that I have to be happy for some people. I don't want to be happy for certain people who've hurt me or have discarded our friendship for someone else. I know it's petty but I prefer to deal with it that way instead of faking a smile.

No, I'm not happy you found someone. I'm not happy you met someone online. I'm not happy you're spending time with them. I'm not happy you only talk to me when your boyfriend isn't around and you're bored. I'm not happy you're revolving your life on this new relationship when in reality, you've just shut off your social circle.

No, I'm not happy for you.

“The End of The World” by Sean Wenham - Phantom Pain

I don’t know why I even review mobile games anymore when they just make me miserable in one way or another. Well, this is gonna be a depressing review, isn’t it? Maybe, maybe not.

The End of the World is a side-scrolling exploration game for mobile platforms. You play as a Benedict Cumberbatch-shaped fellow in going through a few days of misery and regret set in what is apparently an eradicated Newcastle, England. You explore around the city and interact with flickering objects that give you more detail on how the relationship with his girlfriend played out.

Ralph's Writing Collection - CTHM Stalking Exercise

"What's this, Ralphy? Did you just really stalk that Krisly girl in 2011?"

NO. OKAY, CONTEXT FOR THIS ONE!

In 2011, for Literature 208 class, we were given an assignment of stalking someone and writing about them. The only rules were that we shouldn't have been seen and we shouldn't know the person. The subject didn't have to be anyone of the opposite gender. I remember the professor who gave this assignment - let's call them Hot Coldman - told us that they wrote about an old man in the park. I thought it was a huge waste of time but hey, what can I do? It was required. I think I had some classmates cheat and say they stalked each other but I can't confirm that since I was just eavesdropping. I wasn't sure if I did the assignment well nor did I want to get arrested for stalking because I'm not good at stealth. I'm no Solid Snake.

Mr Coldman: "Ralph, why's your stalking exercise late?"

Me: "Kept you waiting huh?"

Anyway, to the post!

"Seen" by Polychroma Games Review - Learn To Love Again

It really has been a while since I did one of these. I have been trying to review a lot more games but I'm having a hard time putting words together for games like Metal Gear Solid V and Sleeping Dogs. Not that I'm lazy, it's just real life got in the way ("As opposed to the fake life, Ralphy?"). Instead of talking about another console game, let's talk about Seen by Polychroma Games, a visual novel on Android.

"Seriously, Ralphy? An Android game? First, console games, and now Android games? Could you be any shittier?"

If you believe that mobile games aren't "real" games but you're okay with 300 8-bit platformers on Steam, then what's it like to be wrong? Visual novels aren't for everyone, sure, but once in a while, you can enjoy them for what they are - interactive stories. Sometimes, instead of using the Fulton recovery system on unsuspecting soldiers, gamers like to sit back and enjoy something that wrenches the heart and makes them feel emotions. Gamers feeling emotions? Sign me up!

So what's the story about? You play as Mark Blythe, a high school student who becomes friends with a classmate named Nicole Tyler through chat. Well, canonically, those are their names. I always have a soft spot for games that let you rename the main character. So move over Mark Blythe and say hello to Ralph Ricker, a new surname I chose because I wanted to use something else instead of Corleone for some reason. Renaming the character gave the game a more personal feel and actually drove me to finish the game. I clearly drive on my ego when it comes to video games.

You can change the default photo of Nicole Tyler to anything or anyone, just to give her a decent profile photo in the chat window. Also, you're given the option to rename Nicole Tyler but at the cost of 40 coins in the shop. So of course I renamed Nicole Tyler to someone else's name that I'm familiar with but I'll still refer to the character as Nicole so you won't get confused. Blurred out the last name and part of the photo so take that, lawyers.

There aren't any in-app purchases in the game however so you're only relegated to watching video ads and taking the occasional survey. The game never asks for money which is pretty humble of it. It's just the occasional full screen ad that bugs you every time you exit to the main menu. Humorously, available for purchase is a remake of the WhatsApp story "Annie96 is Typing" which is great fun for fans of that oddly creepy story. There's even a story editor that you can purchase for 100 coins, allowing you to create your own chat story, if you want to make your own version of this game's storyline. I still haven't purchased that feature so I won't be talking about it, sadly.

Going back to the game, the main menu and the UI where the conversations with Nicole take place certainly look and feel so similar to a Facebook chat box that you can take a screenshot and send it to your friends, making them think that the girl who broke your heart actually sent you a message after all these years. Ha! What fun!

You don't really get to type anything you want. You only press on the blank keyboard to simulate your character typing and the letters appear one by one. Basically, you're just simulating your character's finger movements since you're not picking the words he says but you're technically typing. Coincidentally, a black version of this blank keyboard called "Ninja Pro" is available for purchase on the SwiftKey app if you really want to test your keyboard memorization.

Before typing out the reply, you're given options on what to say to Nicole. In an awesome way of using the fake typing to further project emotion in certain replies, the words and sentences you type would sometimes be deleted as your character changes his mind on what to say. One part of the game has him type "Go fuc" to Nicole's ex-boyfriend before deleting it and saying "Sure" or "I'm busy". This is used in an emotional level later in the game when you can tell your character's heart is breaking and he tries his best to say the right words to a heartbroken Nicole. But he can't because he knows it's hopeless to reach out to her. And it's all his fault.

The dialogue choices you make do matter in the game as it affects future parts of the conversations. There would be callbacks to earlier conversations depending on your choices which is actually a nice touch. The story gets dramatic at times, even more if you renamed the characters like I did just to twist the knife further into your intestines. It may seem cliche but sometimes the cliches work. Sometimes people like cliches because those same cliches done right are what we emotional weirdos like. One thing I like about love stories is the depression (that's something I never thought I'd say). One chapter does evoke the feeling of depression similar to what's shown in the film 500 Days of Summer. And as your character tries taking everything back, Nicole takes it to a sad route - a route without you in her life. Yet the story goes on.

I do have a few gripes about this game though. First is the park scene. It's supposed to be a tender moment between you and Nicole but, given the limitations of the game and possibly ruining the messaging theme, conversations are still delivered in Facebook chat window with emojis. Now, maybe there are some people who add emojis to their verbal sentences - I'd like to find out how - but it does kill the mood of how this scene is supposed to take place outside Facebook even if it uses a background of a park. Just a nitpick but it's still a good scene nonetheless.

There's no music at all and if there really were any (please correct me if I'm wrong), they were really forgettable. The only sound you'll remember is the fake notification sound. Perhaps if you're dramatic, you can play some background music from your phone just so the scene can play out without the deafening silence, you emotional pansy.

I did make a playlist of my own to have songs in the background whenever I replay the game and want to emotionally kill myself by talking to a simulation of a girl who never wants to talk to me again for no reason. You're free to use these songs as well! Enjoy the story melodramatically! "Waiting For A Star To Fall" feels appropriate for one of the endings of the game.

One more thing to add. The game's main tagline is "What if life gave you another chance to learn to love again?"

...Do you ever get the feeling that one game got too real for you and it's all your fault? The game doesn't force you to change the names at all; it was an option you can actively take. Heck, you have to use fake virtual coins so it's not available from the start. Even if it's all fake, a simulation of a Facebook chat, you wish it'd happen again in reality, considering how badly she ended your friendship. You wish she'd talk to you this way again, like a friend, like how you used to be but that friendship's long dead. She's nothing more than a regretful memory. So the only satisfaction you get is pretending she's talking to you again. Maybe you shouldn't have changed the character's name after all. Yet you took that option because you didn't want to talk to the unfamiliar name with a generic flower as the profile photo. You wanted to talk to her just to make this story's impact more meaningful. You wish she were in your life again because of this game but she'd rather stay far from it. So you know this is as close as you're ever going to get now. Maybe in another life.

Oh, uhhh, sorry. Sorry about that! That was just an example of how the game could really make you feel if you immerse yourself with the writing. Definitely a wonderfully written game. As I always ask: Is it fun? Yes. For an hour at most, you're given this emotional roller coaster of a game.

"Seen" by Polychroma Games is available on the Google Play Store, which you can check out right here. Personally, I recommend watching 4 ads to unlock the option to change Nicole's name if you want to be an emotional pin cushion. It's a much better game if you add your personal touch to it. As the tagline said, what if life gave you another chance to learn to love again? Some of us don't have that chance so this is just a simulation of something we'll never have.

Now if you'll excuse me, all these emotions have made me wimpy and now I have to watch more WWE NXT.

Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 39] – I Hope You Don't Mind

Kids, lets skip to February of 2012, just so we could end this story with Jill. Sometimes when you think you’re doing something right, you’re actually making it worse. That’s when you give up – when you’ve tried your hardest to make things right and nothing seemed to change. With something as delicate as the act of forgiveness and with an attitude like Jill’s from tourism, you’re running a fine line with disaster.

My first attempt at apologizing to Jill didn’t go as well as I had hoped. For starters, she didn’t want to see me nor did she want to hear my apology.

Ralph: Jill, I’m sorry.
Jill: Whatever. Whatever.
Ralph: I didn’t know what I did—
Jill: Whatever. Whatever.

When my friends found out what happened, they totally felt bad for me. I mean, it’s not every day that I’m nice to anyone and I get insulted like that. But that didn’t really bother me. If I wanted to stay friends with Jill, I should at least remedy whatever mistake I did. And I remember telling your Aunt Karina:

Ralph: I'm not giving up on her.
[I should've given up on her.]
Ralph: This girl could be special.
[She was the devil.]
Ralph: I’m gonna apologize and things are going to work out with Jill.
[No they're not, dumbass.]

So I thought about paying Mediartrix, a musical theatre organization in UST, for a serenade. Your Uncle Martin and your Aunt May would help me with that. I actually had everything planned. Days before February 14, I had a sign that said “I'M REALLY SORRY” written in the How I Met Your Mother font. Martin and May would sing the song and judge Jill’s reaction. If Jill liked it, they’d give her the sign and she’d know who it’s from.

Before I could do that though, I needed help once again in Jill’s schedule. I called your Aunt Camille U. for help.

Ralph: Camille! I need Jill’s schedule again.
Camille: What do you need it for?
Ralph: For Jill!
Camille: You’re gonna have her serenaded?! But she’s a glitch!
[She didn’t say “glitch” but you get the point.]
Ralph: One last apology then I’m done!
Camille: Idiot! Okay, I’ll call you later.
Ralph: Thanks, Camille~

40 minutes later, Camille got me the schedule.

Camille: 2.30pm at room 116.
Ralph: Why can’t they stay put in one room?! Sorry, not the point. Thanks again, Camille!

And you wonder why people don’t like me. Anyway, it couldn’t get any worse, right?

When we arrived at the Albertus Magnus building, I asked the guard where room 116 was. It was in a hallway but it looked more like an alley. I expected trashcans and a homeless man outside the classrooms. When we got there, I suddenly had a thought. Something I really didn’t think through.

Ralph: Wait, how do we get you guys in there? Do we just ask the professor and interrupt his class? Oh god, we are so gonna get stabbed.

To this day, I still don’t know why I thought I was gonna get stabbed that time.]

Thankfully, your Aunt May had friends in that section and they let them enter. The professor, for some ungodly reason, allowed the serenade to take place. I didn’t want to enter the classroom yet because, again, the lingering thought of getting stabbed was running through my mind. I’ve watched the anime School Days a little too much the past few weeks, that’s why.

Your Uncle Martin was really a good singer, judging by the reaction from Jill's classmates in room 116. It was either that or those girls were trying to drown him out with their screams. I was never sure. I was just outside holding a sign. I heard the chorus of the song Uncle Martin chose to sing. Elton John’s “Your Song”. “I hope you don’t mind,I hope you don't mind that I put down in words. How wonderful life is while you're in the world.”

After the song had stopped, your Aunt May called me to enter. It was the finale. When I entered the “I’m really sorry” sign, they all went “Awww”. Even their professor was smiling. I didn’t need to say anything because the message was clear. I was sorry. It was a good gesture. Or at least I thought it was.

Later that day, I checked Twitter and a friend of mine showed me a tweet from Jill. She said that I basically “ruined Valentine’s Day for her” by having a song dedicated to her. I wanted to throw my cellphone when I read that.

That’s when I gave up. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, I could never reach her. I could never get her to forgive me. Oh well. My friends didn’t like how it turned out. Aunt May and Uncle Martin got mad when I told them. They knew about the effort I’m exerting to get this girl to forgive me, to just be friends again, and they hated Jill for not even giving me a simple thank you. Oh well.

I even remember what your Aunt May said.

May: IT WAS SWEET AND SHE'S A GLITCH.
[Except she didn't say "glitch"]

And kids, sometimes when you do something nice for someone, it could go both ways. Sometimes they appreciate it and sometimes they'll hate you for it. Jill never wanted to see my face again and that’s alright. The only reason to give up is not when something goes wrong – it’s when you know you’ve done everything you could but nothing ever changed.

And you wanna know the funny thing about this? I asked my classmate Camille about it and she told me that Jill misunderstood a tweet I posted, thinking that it was directed at her. So after all the conversations, the offering of that guest spot for the radio show, the personal delivery of that stuffed pink puppy after finding out her schedule, Jill gets mad at me for a simple misunderstanding that wasn't my fault.

Back then, she and I would talk for hours with random conversations and jokes about friends and the university in general. I'd always reply to her whenever I can and she did the same. Everything I wanted in a woman, she had it all. She was pretty. She was alluring. She was gorgeous. She was smart. She was funny. She was sarcastic. She got me.

And now it's all over. Oh well.

What I thought was there, she thought differently. That was the last time I did anything nice for a girl I like.

"How soon is enough?"

You know me, I hate getting crushes nowadays because, like a greasy boulder on stilts at the edge of a cliff, I fall easily. I don't have perfect vision but hindsight is always 20/20 so I can admit that I have a rough time trying to cope with liking a girl. Just like how the friendship with a certain Sociology girl worked out. Just like how a failed romantic gesture with a Tourism girl worked out. That's why I always try to stay away from girls whenever I can (not gay). But the thing about me is that I'm a love addict - I fully admit it.  I like the idea of having a crush because the feeling of liking someone is great but I loathe the feeling of "This is bound to end badly". You can't spell "crush" without "rush" and that's why I'm a love addict. A love junkie. Infatuated with infatuation. I could go on with this.

That's why I haven't had a successful relationship in a while. I just love the highs and hate the lows, like a real druggie on welfare. And for the meantime, I don't think I'll be ready for one even if a relationship knocks in my door and offers me cake and video games.

But recently, I've started to like this girl near the place I work for about a month now. Oh god, her accent is pretty awesome. And she looks amazing! Surprisingly (or pathetically), I got the nerve to ask for her name but not her number so at 23, I still need to work on this socializing skill that everyone keeps talking about. She and I have been talking for about a month and a half and it's been alright. Having enough inside jokes is worth it because we actually have something to talk about.

Recently, this girl passed by where I work and talked to me for a short while as I started helping a customer.

When she left, not realizing the customer was still in front of me, I instinctively said "She's so pretty..."

"She really is!" the customer said.

"I'm sorry I accidentally told you that. Haha! I've been trying to get her number, that's why. I've only been talking to her for like a month and a half. It's just too soon."

The customer asked me "How soon is enough?"

That's when it hit me. In those three seconds, I realized how my overthinking will be the death of me. I already was overthinking 4 years ago back in university with the two girls who broke my heart and I don't blame them for doing so anymore. I can admit it's partly my fault. And I'm sure this'll how it ends, of course.

And I know for a fact that nothing will change no matter how hard I try. Ha! It's just the way it is.

WankPad

I was at a bookstore in the Philippines the other night and I came across the funniest pile of bad literature ever. It could be classified as piles and piles and piles of the Twilight and Fifty Shades series. It was the first time I ever laughed so hard in a bookstore and I wasn’t even reading anything.

Judging from the titles alone, you don’t even have to read any of these books to know what they’re about.

Lemme give you the recurring themes of what these Wattpad stories are about:

- Guy is from a private school; girl is from a public school; can they solve their differences and bone each other by the end of the story?

- Guy is authority figure like a teacher or a boss; girl is being ordered around by guy; can they solve their differences and bone each other by the end of the story?

- Guy is a gangster/playboy/miscreant; girl is goody two-shoes; can they solve their differences and bone each other by the end of the story?

- Guy or girl got friendzoned; nothing is forever (apparently); everyone’s bitter

Not that I don’t find clichés offensive – I do fancy some cheap thrills like Filipino action movies and pop music – but I’d like to ask though: who are these for? Teens who’ve never seen the films 500 Days of Summer and Definitely, Maybe? Teens who’ve never experienced a good romantic relationship? Teens who don’t have access to good dramatic media?

I can understand catering to teens but that’s what the young adult section in your local bookstore is for. Don’t you fucking tell me that a book like The Fault in Our Stars is on the same level as a WattPad story like She’s Dating The Gangster. That’s like saying a PlayStation 3 is just as good as a McDonald’s happy meal toy. Sure, they’re both fun but who are you fucking kidding? I would rather play Grand Theft Auto V than a cheap Shrek figure. Yes, Wattpad fans, I compared your romantic bullshit stories to a cheap Happy Meal except the Happy Meal is actually better because I get momentary satisfaction from the food.

It feels like the equivalent of cheap romance novels sold in places where you least expect them to be sold. When was the last time you heard any one of your friends say “Hey, I’m going to buy some romance novels at the drug store”? No, really, when was the last time anyone bought those cheap romance novels?

Cheap drug store romance novels and cheap WattPad romance novels are similar yet they’re so different. Cheap romance novels tend to remind you of soap operas whether they’re The Bold and The Beautiful, Passions, or The Young and The Restless. The cheap Wattpad novels remind you of Korean romance TV shows. Hell, one of those books even had “The first Korean anime novel in the Philippines”, whatever the fuck that overly narrow superlative means. That’s like when your friend Billy says “I’m Dad’s favorite son” when, really, you’re Dad’s only son. Fuck you, Billy! Your dad hates you and wishes you would run away.

Anyway, the point is: it’s possible that the authors of said novels watched a few Korean dramas like Meteor Garden or Memories of Bali (all dubbed in Filipino, of course) and thought “Hey, I wish I could experience that! I should write something like that!”

At what point could all these Wattpad stories be considered as wank material?

Think about it: it’s all romance and it’s basically wish fulfillment. It’s what Vince McMahon calls mental masturbation. You’re thinking about something you have no control over; you’re just mentally jacking yourself off. You’re writing the same shallow tripe with little to no substance whatsoever and you’re not a better person out of it. You just want to be the person of interest. You just want to have that bad boy authority figure fall for you. You just want to be picked special by a playboy because he sees you as something different from the dozen girls he likes.

Instead of letting these Wattpad authors continue what they do and spread the cynicism that “nothing is forever”, I’d like to introduce them and their fans (who don’t know any better) to the concept of video games.

*ahem*

Hi, Wattpad dramatics! Have you heard of “video games”? 

“Video games, Ralphy? What are those?”

Let me tell you about them, reader. They are absolute fun! They are more fun than putting salt in your melodramatic emotional wounds and spraying that blood around like a girl who went swimming while having her period.

“That sounds interesting, Ralphy.”

No, that period blood would most likely make the pool disgusting to swim in, chlorine or not.

“No, I meant the video games part!”

Oh, good. That’s good of you to know, reader. Now let me tell how you video games can help you so you can stop winging and moaning about your love life at 16.

Are you heartbroken? Play some Dynasty Warriors 7 and Dynasty Warriors 8 for the PS3! What could be more fun than mowing down at least a thousand enemies in one stage? Certainly not writing about how you’re lonely like the miserable fucks that you are, and you know you’re miserable because you’re writing in Wattpad. Jesus Christ, FanFiction.net writers have more dignity than you weirdos--Sorry, that got lost on me. Where was I again? Right, video games!

Do you have the need to date cute girls? How about some Persona 3 and Persona 4! If you want to play as a female and date some hunky boys, grab a copy of Persona 3 Portable for the PSP. It’s much better than crying about being lonely and how “nothing is forever”. Thank you for the insight on nothing being forever, Wattpad Nietzsche!

See? Was that so hard? Look at all the alternatives to writing bullshit for Wattpad.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to continue writing my story about a hunky gangster being fawned over by high school girls who think they’ve been friendzoned by him and other guys. But this is different since this’ll take place in space~!

I’m Ralph Corleone and that’s my opinion.

Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 34]

Now, let's finish this updated saga. Well, at least one part of the saga. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Original Title: How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 34] – The Plush Pink Puppy (Part 3)

Kids, in December of 2011, as I walked to the Albertus Magnus building where Jill was, I thought of two things: first, would Jill actually like this gift? And second, why was it so damn hot outside? Okay, so December wasn’t really cold in The Philippines and wearing a jacket to meet a girl was a bad idea. I needed that jacket to look cool but the sweating was profuse. I thought I’d look and smell bad but thank goodness I had some cologne with me. But I digress.

When I arrived at the Albertus Magnus building, I thought I was gonna have my heart beating out of my chest because I was nervous. Jill’s section – 2T1 at the time – was in room 104A. I already passed by that room once so I knew where it was. Could I be more of a creep? When I thought it was all good, I suddenly had another problem:

Ralph: Oh god, how am I gonna give this to Jill?

I didn’t really think of that at all. I had the gift and I already had a reason to give it to her but I didn’t have a way to give it! Goddamn it, I thought. Do I excuse her from class if one of her professors were present? Do I just leave it outside her classroom? I didn’t plan it out. 

I was already in the hallway where Jill’s classroom was and I didn’t plan anything out. I was alone there – your Aunt Angel or any other of my friends weren't around to help me in that situation. If the ending of the anime School Days were to happen and I get stabbed, there wouldn't have been anyone to call for help.

As I was standing outside room 104-A, pretending to read the bulletin board and thinking about what to do, one tourism girl went outside the classroom. She was on the phone and was confirming with your Aunt Camille about my presence.

Tourism girl on the phone: Yeah, he’s here… He’s wearing glasses… In a jacket… He’s standing here so I know it’s him!
[I was laughing when she was confirming that it was me. I don’t know why. She puts her cellphone away and talks to me.]
Tourism girl now not on the phone: Are you Ralph? Jill’s here. You should go inside though.
Ralph: Wait, what?!
Tourism girl: You have to go inside. Jill won’t go out.
Ralph: Why not?
Tourism girl: She’s shy!

Okay, okay, let's pause for a second and ask some questions.

How did Jill know about this? This was a total surprise. I mean, I never asked for her schedule or anything. I never told her that I was going to deliver her a pink puppy. To this day, someone had spoiled the surprise by telling her about it.

Ralph: How'd she know about this?
[...Is what I should've asked. Instead I said...]
Ralph: Oh. Damn it. Alright, I’ll go.

I was hesitant as heck because in the back of my mind, this was entirely stupid and pointless. I wasn't a handsome guy at all so why would I be doing this kind of thing?

So I entered the classroom of 2T1 and they were all looking at the big guy in a jacket with a gift in hand. I felt like I was gonna get stabbed but I wasn’t there for that. I was there for Jill. When she saw me, Jill stood up and smiled. As I slowly approached her and handed her the gift, everything went into slow motion and my mind started talking to me.

Ralph's mind: Say something cool!

Oh crap. I didn't have anything to say. I needed to say something cool or witty or at least romantic. I had to think fast. In 2 seconds, I said…

Ralph: Hi, haaave you met me?

That... didn't go so well. I didn’t know what else to say. It was the first thing that came into my mind. Using a phrase Barney Stinson always used was my backup plan for any awkward situation.

My first meeting with Jill was great. She didn’t actually expect that I’d actually get her something even though I told her through Twitter to expect something, but I didn’t tell her that I’d deliver it personally.

Ralph: Hi. I’m Ralph. Jill, right?
Jill: What are you doing here?
Ralph: It’s Christmas and I felt like giving each of my good friends a gift.
Jill: How’d you—Where’d you—
Ralph: Okay, did this seem stalker-ish?
Jill: A little. I didn’t really expect it.
Ralph: Yes, because by the very definition of the word “surprise”, it’s not supposed to be expected.
Jill: Mean!
Ralph: Hey, I got you that pink puppy! I can be mean.
Jill: It’s not a minion from Despicable Me.
Ralph: Greenhills ran out of them so stick with the puppy.
Jill: I’m just gonna leave this here on the bulletin board…
Ralph: How could you be so mean?! I’m so tweeting about you.
Jill: Now that’s mean!
Ralph: I’m kidding. So how are you? 

That first conversation with Jill was great. She looked great. Her voice was... alright. Heck, I couldn’t even keep track of what she said at the time.

Ralph: You’re not gonna kick me now, are you, like how you’ve always threatened me?
Jill: Yes, I will! I’ll take my heels off and I’ll kick you!
Ralph: Really? With that uniform of yours?
Jill: Don’t you have to go yet?!
Ralph: Haha! Alright, alright. I’ll go, since you said so.
Jill: Thanks! Bye! 

Okay, I have to admit, there were some awkward pauses there. I know I messed up somehow but I didn't care. What mattered was that I gave a gift to Jill and I at least cemented our friendship.

(Ralph from 2014: UTTER BULLSHIT!)

As I left the building, I had a dorky smile on my face. I had never done anything like that ever.

When I got back to the classroom, I kept thanking Camille for giving me Jill’s schedule because without her help, I wouldn’t have been able to pull that off. Okay, I already did have the schedule from the CTHM dean's office but hey, I became friends with Camille.

I know it seemed a little creepy if you think about it, and I did realize that afterwards, but I apologized to Jill later that night if the gesture seemed creepy or stalker-like. She said it was alright and was actually the first nice thing I did for her after months of being mean. And that’s all I wanted to do.

Kids, sometimes you have to take a chance. You never know what could happen. If you're lucky, things would go right. However, not everything could stay right. It might just be the calm before the bitter storm, but I had to find that out the hard way.

(Ralph from 2014: Bloody hell, this was depressing to write again. You can read the first part right here or the previous part here)

Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 33]

Okay, part 2 of this horrible saga. Yes, this is all in celebration of Valentine's Day. Woo hoo!


Original Title: How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 33] – The Plush Pink Puppy (Part 2)

Kids, December 15 of 2011 was the result of all the effort in trying to meet this girl I met online named Jill. Now the popular belief that meeting someone online would mean that the guy is a creep. I was not that guy. At least not yet but I'll get to that. I talked to Jill for almost three months, only getting to be sort of a close friend on November. I could say that because she said:

Jill: DON'T. EVER. BREAK. MY. TRUST.
[Inside, I was thinking...]
Ralph: Huh. I gained your trust? AWESOME!
[Outside, I was saying something else...]
Ralph: Don’t worry. I won’t. 
Jill: Good! You're like my close guy friend!

Jill and I were somehow getting along pretty well, at least that's the way I saw it. I wasn't entirely sure if she felt the same but you wouldn't really bother calling someone your "close guy friend" if you didn't really consider them as a friend, right?

...Right? Nah, forget it.

To keep that trust alive (at the time), I decided to get Jill a gift – a plush pink puppy. I consulted your aunts about this and they said it was alright. And Christmas season was a great reason to give her a gift personally. I had already bought my friends gifts to prevent them from thinking that I was putting them aside over some girl, which in fact was true.

I gave the gifts to some of my friends early and kept Jill’s in my locker. I didn't want to bring it along anywhere for no reason. I might lose it and everything would fall apart.

I had the gift but the next problem was getting Jill's schedule. I could have asked her for it but then I thought:

Ralph: No, I can't ask her for her schedule. That would ruin the surprise.

I had to think of something that would look like it's from a romantic comedy. For some reason, I wanted to do something different from what I usually do. Yes, it was stupid but I wanted to test it out for myself because I don't know if I would ever do something like that ever again. To actually do that, I needed Jill's schedule somehow, as creepy as it sounds. Was it creepy? Looking back, of course it was. Do I regret doing everything? Of course I do. But at the time, I was a huge risk taker and I didn't mind seeing what would happen regardless of whether or not it was good.

I actually had the gall to go to the Albertus Magnus building, to the CTHM dean's office, and ask for Jill's class schedule. Now, Jill somehow knew which city I lived in at the time - San Juan - but I never had that disclosed in my online profiles at all. So I thought it'd be fair game to use her online information as a way to surprise her. Luckily, her section number was on her profile so that made it easier.

I asked the student assistant who was at the CTHM dean's office for the information.

Ralph: Hi, I'm looking for a particular tourism class's schedule?
Student Assistant: Which section is that, sir?
Ralph: Uhhh... I think it's 2T1. I have a friend there.
Student Assistant: Alright, here you go. Room 104-A, 1-2.30pm. It's the room just outside.

I finally got her schedule. I honestly thought it would've been hard to do so because I thought that was confidential information that the College of Tourism and Hospitality Management would keep. But somehow, I got a schedule of a friend and a gift for her. I was actually starting to like this girl. Outside the Albertus Magnus building, I had to process everything at that moment. I was close to having a mental breakdown after all of these thoughts had started to come together.

Ralph: No... No! Goddamn it, why am I doing this again? No, no, no, no. It's not gonna end well. This isn't gonna end well at all. She's not gonna like you, Ralphy. No. She doesn't. You're a friend. Nothing more.

If there ever was a musical score for that event, it would be this.
There's no happy ending, so they say, not for me anyway.

But then I thought I'd just take the risk and see what happens because it'll be a good story to tell one day. If it doesn't end very well, fine, I'll admit it didn't go well and I basically destroyed any and all friendship I had with Jill and I'll probably just be miserable. I was fine with that. Maybe.

On the way back, I met a classmate that I never have spoken to for a year - your Aunt Camille. Since freshmen year, I haven't talked to her since I thought she was a glitch (or something that rhymes with that). Somehow, she and I had started talking and she mentioned that she had some friends in Jill's class.

Ralph: Funny that you should mention that. I was actually looking for her schedule today.
Camille: I can get it for you if you want, you stalker.

Right then and there, Camille and I had became the oddest of friends. I've always told her that if it weren't for Jill, she and I still wouldn't be friends to this day.

A few days later, Camille approached me and told me something.

Camille: Ralph, you're starting to like Jill, right?
Ralph: ...Yeah, what about her?
Camille: I heard from a couple of people there in Jill's class that she's actually bossy.
Ralph: Wait, really?
Camille: Yeah, they don't really like her that much.
Ralph: I don't know what to say actually since she's always been nice to me.
Camille: I'm just warning you about her so be careful.

It was odd to get a warning from Camille about Jill. It makes me think that she actually gathered information on the girl I like to keep an eye on things. That was so awesome of her.

If I could recall correctly, on December 15, Jill had a 1pm class in room 104-A. My classes ended at 1pm that day so I needed to rush out of my class as soon as I could before her class even started. The perfect opportunity to deliver it was December 15, the day before the annual Christmas event that the university had. The day before that event usually meant that the teachers would have their own Christmas parties and the students would have 4 hours of doing nothing.

I had the gift ready. The card was ready.  I had the schedule ready. There I was in several vacant classes with your Aunt Angel.

Angel: Did you really get anything for CTHM girl?
Ralph: Yeah.
Angel: What’d you get her?
Ralph: Remember when I asked you how to get a pink puppy?
Angel: Yeah. Oh wait, don’t tell me you actually got it.
Ralph: Yes, I got a puppy, dyed it pink, and it’s suffocating in my locker as we speak.

[Sarcasm’s flowing here. Sorry ‘bout that.]

With two hours before 1pm, I started to get nervous about finally seeing Jill by surprising her. I thought that it would be uncalled for, despite the sweetness and spontaneity of the gesture. 

Ralph: Oh my god, what if she doesn’t like the puppy? Or worse, what if she doesn’t like me?
Angel: Relax, relax! What’s the worse that could happen?
[A lot. She could hate me and think I’m a stalker.]
Ralph: How about I let my friend Camille give this to her?
Angel: What?! No! You can’t.
Ralph: She’ll know from the card. Why do I have to give this to Jill?
Angel: Because you have to.
Ralph: Yeah, I know, I know. Damn it.

After conversing with my friends in multiple vacant class periods, I knew I had to leave the classroom sooner or later. I had to give the pink puppy to Jill sooner rather than later.

Ralph: So, it’s 5 minutes before 1. I gotta go.
Angel: Good luck! Tell me how it went!
Ralph: I don't wanna go...
Angel: You know you have to.
Ralph: Yeah. I'm off. See you later.

The moment of truth, kids. I left the classroom with the gift and headed out to CTHM across the university. It was going to be something from a romantic comedy, except it was real. There's no happy ending, so they say. Not for me anyway.

(Ralph from 2014: You read the previous part here. You head on over to the next part right here.)

Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 32]

In celebration of Valentine's Day, I'm posting updated versions of my favorite series "How I Never Met Your Mother", a clear ripoff of How I Met Your Mother. I posted these two years ago and I would love to have them here on my main blog. Why? Because I actually loved writing this particular arc that led to why I absolutely hate everything about Valentine's Day. Screw that holiday and everyone who likes it!

Ahem. On with the post.

Original Title: How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 32] – The Plush Pink Puppy (Part 1)

Kids, in the first episode of the TV show “How I Met Your Mother”, the lead character Ted Mosby steals a blue French horn for his love interest at the time named Robin. That blue French horn was meant to be a symbol of what Ted and Robin could be. No, I didn't spoil anything for you because that was the first episode of a show that ran for 9 seasons.

After seeing several guys outside the College of Tourism and Hospitality Management (CTHM) building with balloons and a sign that said "Happy Birthday", I jumped to the conclusion that it was for a girl named Jill.

I was starting to really like Jill at the time. We met on Twitter and have been talking to each other ever since.

I was with my friend Jan when that grand gesture happened outside of the CTHM building (where Jill was studying at the time) and a day after Jill's birthday (December X, where X is the appropriate number between 5-9).

Jan: Would you look at that? How pathetic.
Ralph: Totally--Wait... That's CTHM... No... No... Oh god, no.
Jan: What's up?
Ralph: This girl I like. It was her birthday yesterday! Damn it! These guys are doing it for her!
Jan: Dude, you gotta make an impression on her.
Ralph: You think so?
Jan: Yeah, so she'll know you're there.

I asked your Aunt Angel what could be a good gift. Jill has been joking that I should get her a pink puppy and I actually considered buying one.

Ralph: Angel, where can I get a pink puppy?
Angel: You can’t. You have to buy an actual puppy and dye it pink.
Ralph: Now how much do puppies cost?
Angel: Puppies are expensive! And the pink dye would kill it in a few weeks.
Ralph: Ugh! Darn it.
Angel: Can’t you ask her what she wants?
Ralph: Then that would kill the surprise. I’ll think of something. 

I told Jill the harsh reality of dyeing a puppy pink when she brought it up again.

Jill: Ralph, I want a pink puppy.
Ralph: I can't. Animals aren't allowed in campus so I can't deliver it to you.
[I was entirely sure about this. I actually checked the student handbook.]
Jill: You have a car and a driver! Deliver it to my building!
Ralph: You do know that if I dye a puppy pink, it'll die, right?
Jill: Really?
Ralph: Yes! It would only last a week and it'll die.
[I'm not entirely sure about this though.]

Oddly enough, a week before Jill and I ever met, she posted her wish list online. One of the things there that seemed a little less costly and easy to buy was a plushie of a minion from that movie Despicable Me. You know, those little yellow things in overalls that I told you about. 

Yes, those little annoying things.

I promised to get Jill a stuffed minion. I went to a mall named Greenhills to do some Christmas shopping. Okay, I say it was "Christmas shopping" to not look like a dork. My only intention was to shop for Jill's gift but buying my friends gifts seemed secondary. Hell, I just thought about buying my friends gifts while I was looking for Jill's. Looking back, it’s a horrible reason to put your friends secondary.

When I had gone to Greenhills, I asked the all the kiosks, all the stalls that sold toys for that stuffed minion. I looked around toy stores and any store that had anything that had the color yellow on it. Despite my efforts, I found none. I went to a toy store in the mall there called Toy Kingdom and they said they ran out of those minions weeks ago. I thought I should just give up and go home. I mean, I already found gifts for my friends and I didn't even need to buy anything for myself. 

I was already heading for the exit until I remembered what Jill was constantly bugging me about several months ago.

Jill: I want a pink puppy.

Jill wanted a pink puppy but I knew that you can’t dye actual puppies because that would kill them, as said by your Aunt Angel. So what was the next best thing? A plush pink puppy. I left all my presents for my friends in the car with my driver.

Driver: Are you ready to go?
Ralph: Just one last thing.

I rushed back to the toy store and looked at the stuffed toy section. I noticed a small yet fluffy pink puppy in a bin of other stuffed animals. I grabbed it and checked the price – 400 pesos.

Ralph: 400 pesos for a stuffed puppy? My goodness, that is not a good purchase. I should just head on home and save my money.
[That’s what I should've said.]
Ralph: Oh god, yes! This is great!
[That's what I really said.] 

So after buying that overpriced pink puppy, I thought it would be sweet if I wrote “Belated Happy Birthday and Advanced Merry Christmas”. And to top it off, I even wrote our Twitter usernames on the card because Twitter was how she and I got acquainted. She was starting to be a friend and I always do good things for friends. My friends would tell you otherwise but that’s another story.

I had the gift and I had Jill’s schedule. I was ready to meet Jill. I was Ted. She was Robin. And this plush pink puppy was gonna be the blue French horn.

Clearly, I expected too much.

(Ralph from 2014: You can read the next part here)

The Kilig-Honesty Scale

Kung alam mo yang kausap mo ay may crush sa iyo (o at least feel mo lang kasi feeler ka), mag-ingat ka sa mga sinasabi mo.

Introducing "The Kilig-Honesty Scale"!

Ang honesty mo ay directly proportional sa kilig na binibigay mo.

Kung honest ka sa sinasabi mo at sobra yung kilig factor, romantic na yun. Mababaw na romantic pero romantic pa rin.

Kung sinungaling ka naman pero malakas yung kilig factor, paasa ka, for a lack of a better term kasi alam mo ngang may crush siya sa iyo, ayaw mo nga siya, at papakiligin mo pa? Ano ka? Dyosa?

Kung di naman totoo ang pinagsasabi mo at walang kilig factor, sinungaling ka lang. Liar liar, plants for hire. O kung anuman yung tamang phrase na yun.

Ang dapat mong gamitin ay direct honesty. Totoo naman ang sabi mo pero walang kilig. Ito ang kinakailangan pag gusto mong sabihin na wala siyang pag-asa sa iyo.

Again, first draft lang ito ng Kilig-Factor Scale kasi mahirap i-determine kung pinapakilig mo nga yung tao o ginagago ka lang niya kasi feeler ka.

Things I See - I'm Sorry Signs Are Stupid

This was one of the few things I saw in my final weeks in University of Santo Tomas as I was walking home.

This damn sign got stuck to the bottom of my shoe like toilet paper. And rightfully so because these signs are really just a sign of desperation. I know actions speak louder than words but really, it would solely depend if your actions aren't so sad and pitiful.

Yeah, dear god, people who do those stupid "I'm Sorry" signs are really--

Oh crap. I did do one of those signs in 2012. Shit.

Okay, okay, when people do get desperate, they tend to do things that are absurd to get what they want. In my case, to get a girl to forgive me. But hey, it didn't happen and I don't think it'll ever happen so yeah, those "I'm Sorry" signs are stupid and you should never do anything like that ever again.

My best friend said it best in one tweet than I could in several paragraphs.