Look, I know you're never gonna read this but this is more for me and it's something I just need to say into the ether. Let me be selfish for once and let me not do things to make you happy. Because I really was happy to know you. And I won't forget the nights in New West. I wonder if it could've been so much more.
I only contacted you again recently to see if you were single. But you're not. And you're married now. And I couldn't accept that and have you in my life again at the same time because I know I'd be jealous.
Yet, I did miss you for a time. You taught me a lot about responsibility and accountability. You taught me a lot about what women go through and you taught me to be a better person. You got me into Grey's Anatomy. Without you, I wouldn't have binged 16 seasons of the show. I enjoyed watching it with you and I'll never forget that.
That's how I want to remember you. The girl I really liked who I enjoyed meeting up at the pier in New West. The girl who at one point would drop everything for because I wanted to cheer you up. Everything was okay because I was talking to you. That's all I have now.
I'm genuinely... not happy for you. I'm not happy for you at all. I'm not happy you're married. That's the selfish part of me. I could say that I am happy and "I wish you and your American husband the best" but I'm not because I don't feel that at all. I'm not happy for you, as petty and selfish and bitter as it is. I genuinely had feelings for you you but sometimes things aren't meant to be and the storyline doesn't play out.
To paraphrase a Doctor, I just wanted you to see me. You never saw me. You looked at me and you couldn't see me. Do you have any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone anymore. I was right there. Standing in front of you, telling you "Please just see me."
Clearly, that was a mistake on my part because I'm not allowed to be happy. I'm selfish, I know.