Friday, May 24, 2013

Ralph's Video Collection - Dance, Karen

In December of 2012, my friend Karen and I decided to go to some other Christmas parties because the 3LIT Christmas party at the time was starting late. We went to the journalism Christmas party because that was where Karen shifted from.

And then this happened.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Things I See - My Bathroom Has 50 Shades

When I moved to my new place here in Canada, the first thing I did was look for old stuff that have somehow been left behind. Now, I was expecting a wallet or a gadget of some kind but that's just really unlikely since people are more careful with their electronics than they are with their children (Kids can't play mp3 files apparently).

I was told by the landlord that the previous tenants were Native Americans, hence the dream catchers hung on the bed rooms. The weirdest thing, however, was when I had gone to the bathroom to inspect the cabinets for other Native American stuff...

Now, I really hate Fifty Shades of Grey and everyone who reads it but dear god, that book was left behind in my bathroom. It's like, why would you read that in the bathroom of all places? While taking a dump, you're trying to be turned on? That's just weird.

And I can understand why that horrible book is left behind - it's because it sucks. Come on, you know that book sucks so bad that fanfiction is written better than that crap.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Ralph's Writing Collection - Rules of Being Single

(Taken from my Tumblr blog.)

Being single doesn’t always have to be depressing. It’s not actually. You can exaggerate that it’s depressing but in reality, it’s only depressing only if you allow yourself to get depressed.

If you’re the emotional guy who can’t stand being single but don’t want to shoot yourself in the head (because guns and ammo are a little pricey), fear not!

To make it much more interesting, single folks, I’ve concocted several rules for the single guy. You can choose not to follow them but that would just like be going to a buffet and getting only a slice of bread. Dude, splurge!

1. Every day is another opportunity to be awesome. To quote the 12 Stones song “We Are One”: ‘The only easy day was yesterday’. Take advantage of everyday because no commitment is holding you down, dude. No ball and chain attached to your leg. Go wild and consume all the alcoholic drinks your can get your hands on. Who’s gonna stop you? Your imaginary girlfriend? HA! (Although if you have one of those, try to get some psychiatric help. Alcohol alone won’t solve that. Or will it?)

If you wanna be awesome in a suave kind of way, suit up. What’s stopping you from wearing a suit, aside from the cost of dry cleaning? Hell, I wore a suit on Valentine’s Day as a symbol that says “Yeah, I’m single but that doesn’t stop me from dressing snazzy for this occasion!” I suited up and never felt not-awesome ever again. And the chicks were looking at me, not in a “What an idiot” way but in a “Hey, that guy’s kinda cute~” way. And for all I know, the chicks wanted me to be their valentine. Heh, maybe next year, girls.

2. Every couple is just another sad duo of sad emotional tension just waiting to burst sadly. See how many times the word ‘sad’ is in that rule? Because that’s what being in a relationship will bring you – sadness! Envy those couples that you see? Do you see them all holding hands and showing their affection? Ew. That’s their way of saying “Oh, we’re getting pretty insecure of each other so we’re just trying to show everyone that we care for each other.” Heh, what a façade. The only thing important in the word couple is that it contains two-thirds of the word “you”! Loneliness? Ha! Make that ‘awesomeness’.

When you see those couples kissing about and whatnot, just think that they only do that as a facade! In actuallity, they’re covering their sadness. See, there it is again! “Sadness”! No awesome guy would want that in their life.

And since we’re on the topic of couples, just ignore them blatantly. You’re better off without them. Well, one of them. The more, the merrier, as they say (whoever “they” are). Why settle for one girl when you can settle for a dozen? Not at the same time or else you’ll get asthma. Try to settle for three at a time in one night. You’ll know your limit, if you know what I mean. ;)

3. Love songs are for the weak! You’d think that people have had enough of all these silly love songs. I look around me and I see it isn’t so! Sorry, I just remembered that Paul McCartney song. Anyway, never listen to the love songs for the meaning. Just listen to it as you would with any meaningless song like “DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love” or “Give Peace a Chance”. Something of those sorts.

If the song doesn’t have a catchy tone, don’t listen to it. So songs like “All Out of Love” and “Total Eclipse of the Heart” are alright. The latter song’s too much to memorize anyway. But regardless, don’t get caught up with the lyrics! You don’t have to be emotional. You’re gonna be emotional for whom anyway? No one! Just you and your totally cool self. And your totally cool self wouldn’t want to see you get mushy all over your totally cool suit.

4. Every cute girl you see is taken, no matter what the situation is. This is to prevent you from going off the wagon because why would you want to end your bachelorhood immediately? If you ever see a cute girl, just think “She has a boyfriend. No need to go after her.” Girlfriends are for the emotionally needy. If you’re single, you’re strong and totally independent. Why else would you be single?

Here’s a fun way of doing this rule – a drinking game. For every cute girl you see, take a shot. For every ugly girl you see, down the whole bottle. I guarantee you you’ll be wasted by the end of the day.

5. Finally, hang out with other single guys. Single guys deliver more fun because they most likely are not being down to earth and don’t give a crap about their “love lives”. And they probably are following these rules as well! Hell yeah!

Always remember the term “bros before hoes”. Perhaps an even better phrase would be “dudes before boobs”. Okay, that sounded better in my head. Anyway, “bros before hoes”! Girls may come and girls may go but bros would totally hang out with you no matter what.

Now buddies, when you want to enjoy being single, just follow these rules. Getting a girlfriend is not what it’s all about.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Things I See - Mass Deletion

I was just really, really pissed off one morning for various reasons that I don't want to share here. I was still in the brief depression I had when I first arrived here in Canada and I just thought "Hey, these stupid people are online and they don't care about me. Why should I care about them?"

If it's not legible, it says "You are no longer friends with:"
And this wasn't the complete list. I really deleted a lot of people and enjoyed it. I must've deleted approximately 45 people on my friends list on Facebook. It was a therapeutic experience to get rid of people who I know I can't develop friendships anymore. Consider it something like "Out with the old, in with the new" and my motto of "Everyone is replaceable" in effect.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Things I See - Oh Twitter

Quote accounts on Twitter have been popular, depending on the topic of course, but sometimes, the name they choose is hilarious.

Case in point...

I know I've been trying to be a boyfriend for a(n unlucky) girl for years now and it's still gotten me nowhere. Then "A Real Boyfriend" follows me on Twitter. Maybe he's gonna give me some tips or something.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Things I See - The Y-Pad

I remember seeing this obvious iPad rip-off in a store in the University of The Philippines once. It's called the Y-Pad and is an English Computer.

Now, it's been a while since I've seen it and I did open the box to see what it was like. It was a light plastic iPad with lights on the side and really cheap buttons. It needed 4 AA batteries to run and make weird sounds.

But hey, buy this for your kid so he can pretend he has an iPad when in reality, he looks like he has financial problems at home. Oh dear.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Ralphisms - BETRAYAL!

For the past few months or so, I've been known to scream "BETRAYAL! BE-TRAY-UHL!" regarding issues, petty things, or people who have, well, betrayed me.

I got it from my favorite internet reviewer named Spoony when he shouted it at E3 2010 regarding the new XCOM game. The game was turned into a first-person shooter instead of a strategy game which basically betrayed the fans who enjoyed the older games.

Before Your Mother [Part 2] – Your First Aunt

Kids, before meeting all your aunts in college, I met your first aunt back in high school. Well, not exactly in the same high school. Heck, your first aunt wasn’t even from the same country as I was. I met her online through the weirdest of ways. Back when I was young, people were using social media websites like Facebook, MySpace, Multiply, and even Friendster.

I grew up in an all-boys school which meant that I never really had much contact with the opposite gender for most of my life. Kind of sad, right? Well, it was really sad because I was still awkward as hell. I remember not even being able to talk to any girl my age at the time.

Girl: Hi.
Ralph: Oh… Er… Hi… Is that how it works?

See? I wasn’t really that kind of guy who’s good in face to face interactions. I didn’t even know how I have friends of the opposite to begin with. I was a real awkward weirdo in high school who enjoyed video games by himself.

One video game that I really like is Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII .

Yes, this is important to meeting your first aunt, and eventually your mother.