I was at a bookstore in the Philippines the
other night and I came across the funniest pile of bad literature ever. It could
be classified as piles and piles and piles
of the Twilight and Fifty Shades series. It was the first time I ever laughed so hard in a bookstore and I
wasn’t even reading anything.
Judging from the titles alone, you don’t even have to read any
of these books to know what they’re about.
Lemme give you the recurring themes of what
these Wattpad stories are about:
- Guy is from a private school; girl is
from a public school; can they solve their differences and bone each other by
the end of the story?
- Guy is authority figure like a teacher or
a boss; girl is being ordered around by guy; can they solve their differences
and bone each other by the end of the story?
- Guy is a gangster/playboy/miscreant; girl
is goody two-shoes; can they solve their differences and bone each other by the
end of the story?
- Guy or girl got friendzoned; nothing is
forever (apparently); everyone’s bitter
Not that I don’t find clichés offensive – I
do fancy some cheap thrills like Filipino action movies and pop music – but I’d
like to ask though: who are these for?
Teens who’ve never seen the films 500
Days of Summer and Definitely, Maybe?
Teens who’ve never experienced a good romantic relationship? Teens who don’t
have access to good dramatic media?
I can understand catering to teens but
that’s what the young adult section in your local bookstore is for. Don’t you
fucking tell me that a book like The
Fault in Our Stars is on the same level as a WattPad story like She’s Dating The Gangster. That’s like
saying a PlayStation 3 is just as good as a McDonald’s happy meal toy. Sure,
they’re both fun but who are you fucking kidding? I would rather play Grand Theft Auto V than a cheap Shrek
figure. Yes, Wattpad fans, I compared your romantic bullshit stories to a cheap
Happy Meal except the Happy Meal is actually better because I get momentary
satisfaction from the food.
It feels like the equivalent of cheap
romance novels sold in places where you least expect them to be sold. When was
the last time you heard any one of your friends say “Hey, I’m going to buy some
romance novels at the drug store”? No, really, when was the last time anyone bought those cheap romance
novels?
Cheap drug store romance novels and cheap
WattPad romance novels are similar yet they’re so different. Cheap romance novels tend to remind you of soap
operas whether they’re The Bold and The
Beautiful, Passions, or The Young and The Restless. The cheap
Wattpad novels remind you of Korean romance TV shows. Hell, one of those books
even had “The first Korean anime novel in the Philippines”, whatever the fuck that overly narrow superlative
means. That’s like when your friend Billy says “I’m Dad’s favorite son” when,
really, you’re Dad’s only son. Fuck
you, Billy! Your dad hates you and wishes you would run away.
Anyway, the point is: it’s possible that
the authors of said novels watched a few Korean dramas like Meteor Garden or Memories of Bali (all dubbed in Filipino, of course) and thought “Hey,
I wish I could experience that! I should write something like that!”
At what point could all these Wattpad
stories be considered as wank material?
Think about it: it’s all romance and it’s
basically wish fulfillment. It’s what Vince McMahon calls mental masturbation.
You’re thinking about something you have no control over; you’re just mentally
jacking yourself off. You’re writing the same shallow tripe with little to no
substance whatsoever and you’re not a better person out of it. You just want to
be the person of interest. You just want to have that bad boy authority figure
fall for you. You just want to be picked special by a playboy because he sees
you as something different from the dozen girls he likes.
Instead of letting these Wattpad authors
continue what they do and spread the cynicism that “nothing is forever”, I’d
like to introduce them and their fans (who don’t know any better) to the
concept of video games.
*ahem*
Hi, Wattpad dramatics! Have you heard of “video
games”?
“Video games, Ralphy? What are those?”
Let me tell you about them, reader. They
are absolute fun! They are more fun than putting salt in your melodramatic
emotional wounds and spraying that blood around like a girl who went swimming
while having her period.
“That sounds interesting, Ralphy.”
No, that period blood would most likely
make the pool disgusting to swim in, chlorine or not.
“No, I meant the video games part!”
Oh, good. That’s good of you to know,
reader. Now let me tell how you video games can help you so you can stop
winging and moaning about your love life at 16.
Are you heartbroken? Play some Dynasty Warriors 7 and Dynasty Warriors 8 for the PS3! What
could be more fun than mowing down at least a thousand enemies in one stage?
Certainly not writing about how you’re lonely like the miserable fucks that you
are, and you know you’re miserable because you’re writing in Wattpad. Jesus
Christ, FanFiction.net writers have more dignity than you weirdos--Sorry, that
got lost on me. Where was I again? Right, video games!
Do you have the need to date cute girls?
How about some Persona 3 and Persona 4! If you want to play as a
female and date some hunky boys, grab a copy of Persona 3 Portable for the PSP. It’s much better than crying about
being lonely and how “nothing is forever”. Thank you for the insight on nothing
being forever, Wattpad Nietzsche!
See? Was that so hard? Look at all the alternatives to writing bullshit
for Wattpad.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to continue
writing my story about a hunky gangster being fawned over by high school girls
who think they’ve been friendzoned by him and other guys. But this is different
since this’ll take place in space~!
I’m Ralph Corleone and that’s my opinion.
