Macho Thinking

I remember seeing this post in 2016 from an account in Instagram I used to follow. I remember hating existence because the cellphone company I worked for at the time was sold to a bigger company and that meant we got their dipshit customers coming to us for help with their 80 dollar phones that they expect to be working like 800 dollar phones. "No, sir, your phone only has 8 gigabytes of storage. No, I don't know how to increase internal storage. No, you can't put a microchip in your phone to locate it. This isn't a spy movie."

I really didn't know what to do because I was at a point where I hated going to work because I knew it was gonna be a shit day with shittier customers. With each day chipping away at my sanity, I hated all the stupid questions because they became more frequent.

I can admit I was burned out.

I saw this post and thought "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU". I remember feeling so insulted and invalidated when I read this. I hated waking up and I hated existing so seeing some gym bro talk about how people don't have the right to be burned out because others have it worse. "Damn, I am burned out and I hate my job every day but I should just push through because some guy I don't know is dying."

Fucking hell.

I remember reading this and realizing that this is not the kind of person I want to be where I just use other people's misery as motivation because fuck that noise. Mental health only matters to these motherfuckers when it affects them.

Burning out matters because that's when you know something has to change. You can't just push through it with no change whatsoever because that's how you destroy yourself even more.

Wait, gimme a minute.

Also, I just realize that the guy who said this quote got run over by a train because he was trying to outrun it for his own energy drink commercial. Maybe it's best not to listen to idiots like that.

Store Closure

Something that I always need is closure. Not that I always get it but it's great when it's acquired. After a therapist session, I've actually wanted to see the place where I worked at years ago just for closure.

I don't know, it felt weird at first, being in the same place after 4 years of not stepping foot in the same mall. Being back in the same mall was actually taking my time and browsing places I haven't been to in years at my own leisure. It was genuinely a great feeling to not feel rushed.

Looking at the store made me realize that I'm not who I was before. I'm not in that life anymore where I loathed customers coming in 5 minutes before closing and then they bitch about why I'm getting ready to close. I don't have to deal with gross individuals who constantly return clothes way after the return period. I don't have to deal with wardrobe people buying a ton of clothes for a TV show then returning them to ruin my numbers.

The best part was I don't have to deal with horrible management. I hated working with my manager, who would call me on my days of to talk for no reason, ruining any and all peace I have. I hated working with my coworkers there. I liked working alone.

I liked not working retail anymore, especially not at this particular store.

Do the "Act like you never met me"

 Good afternoon, everyone! It is currently December before Christmas and it's almost the end of the year!

LET'S GO! Another year almost over! Time to start all over again in 2026.

I mean, 2025 has been a learning experience more than ever for me since I chose to go back to therapy after 3 years. It's been something I look forward throughout the week. Nothing like having someone to actually listen to you, give you advice on how to deal with your bullshit, and actually tell you that your insecurities are normal and actually valid.

Something I always say is that talking helps. Talking it out with someone helps you verbalize your thoughts and lets you bounce it off of someone. Talking to a therapist is a way better thing to do because that's their specialty. They're there to help you understand what you're thinking and helping you decide to see it another way.

My therapist also helped me try to do things I used to love doing. It's great to actually care about stuff again, despite how other people feel about me.

Now everyone do the "Act like you never met me"!

"Keep Going"

No matter how hard it gets. No matter who tells you stupid shit.

No matter if she goes crazy, cheats on you, doesn't have any follow-through, doesn't care if you die, won't give you the time of day, or leaves eventually, you keep going.

Because where else will you go?

Phone Thoughts - Back up that Backup

 Oh look, it's another type of post here! This time it's about phones.

If you know me, first off, no you don't. Second, you'd know that I have a collection of cellphones at my disposal that range from 10 to 20, each have been set up and fully functional.

The amount of backups I have over the years is great because the thought of not having a phone is astounding to me. I've even come up with several reasons why I need backups since I started buying multiple phones since 2015.

I like having different experiences with different phones in which I have different purposes for each of them. With previous phones, I would have a daily driver phone and a back up. I remember having a Samsung Galaxy A50 as my daily driver and a Google Pixel 3XL as my main backup. Now, as I'm writing this, my daily driver is a Samsung Galaxy S25 and my main backup is a Google Pixel 8. Then again, I do interchange phones just because they're both good phones. Backup phones I have include a Samsung Galaxy A15 5G and a Samsung Galaxy A36 (These names are a mouthful and a half) just in case I need to use a cheaper phone somewhere.

There were times where I would have to go to a new place with a certain amount of sketchiness so I have to use a cheaper phone to not lose the expensive one. Back then, I'd just use an older phone, because if I somehow lost or damaged it, it won't be a problem because I've had that happen before. Definitely not a good experience.

In 2017 or so, I remember my Samsung Galaxy S7 starting to slow down to a crawl and become unusable after a year of use. I thought "Oh no, now how will I be connected to the world and how will the world connect with me?" Then I remembered that I have a backup phone in the pretentiously gold Moto G5 Plus. That phone helped me go through a rough time until I bought my next daily driver. That was a tough week.

I also like having no need to wait for a charging phone. Because I'm sure a power bank would be helpful but I remember hating having to use my phone while it's connected to something akin to a bar of soap. That's why I always carry two phones with me whenever I go out. It's basically me preparing for the possibility of a phone having no power and immediately saying "Ha! I thought of this! What's that? A power bank, you say? No, sir!"

The thing about having a collection is that the variety of backups gives me hope that I can always be contacted one way or another. The possibility of losing a phone always fills me with dread with the amount of information we have in smartphones nowadays so I like being careful with my phones. But I just know the moment I become reliant on one phone, it would somehow inevitably break or get lost.

VINDICATED

It's genuinely a great feeling to find out that someone took your advice after 2 years and did the same thing as you. You know, like go in the same field by going to the same college and take the same course with the same teacher.

I remember telling someone I started having feelings for about how I got out of retail. Problem is that she chickened out because I had feelings and asked her out. Too bad, so sad.

But knowing that she did do it 2 years later? Fuck yeah. No, I'm not happy for her. I'm happy I'm right.

Vindicated! I am selfish, I am wrong right! I am right! I swear I'm right! Swear I knew it all along and I you are flawed!

Now That We Don't Talk

The thing about not wanting to talk to someone yourself is that you have the option of changing that. The onus is on you if you decided to stop not talking to someone. You can take forever not talking to someone and basically leaving them metaphorically dead to you and you alone.

You put up a wall strong enough and it keeps that person out. Eventually they'll take the hint when you want to take that wall down. Then the onus is on them if they want to actually talk to you again. Not that there's anything wrong with that, really. People are allowed to pick and choose who they let in through their walls.

Ah well, it was worth a shot. shrug

Swear to Me

"Swear to me. Swear to me that everything you told me about going back to school to get out of this job you hate is true. And you were really trying to better yourself. Swear to me."

"I swear." 

"...Okay."

Video Game Thoughts - Wii U, Setting In A Honey Moon

Last year’s wishes are this year’s apologies - a fitting sentence for when I bought a Wii U in 2016 and 2024.

I originally wrote this for BasedGamer, the video game website I used to write for, but I’m just repurposing this for my blog instead since that site has been gone since 2018 or so.

Why did I buy a Wii U anyway? What’s the appeal?

First, there was Xenoblade Chronicles X. When I worked at a cellphone store in 2015, my manager was a big gamer like I am. He recommended the game but I didn’t have a Wii U yet. He showed me footage of all the robot combat and how big the world was and I basically said “SOLD.” I immediately went to the used game store in the same mall I worked at and bought a Wii U, just like that.

Second, I’m a sucker for Dynasty Warriors-like games so Hyrule Warriors made me wanna get a Wii U. I’ve never fully played a Legend of Zelda game before so Hyrule Warriors is the first one that I absolutely love. I’ve tried other Zelda games and I never got into them. They just aren’t for me.

Third, video game website Giant Bomb made Super Mario Maker look fun and it genuinely is after I bought it and spent several hours designing levels to upload. I love seeing how people died in levels I made and what they’d say about it in the Nintendo forums, or Miiverse as it was called.

I genuinely loved how the controller was basically a tablet with buttons. It felt nice and comfortable for someone with big hands. It was a unique gimmick but I also bought a standard controller (that was marketed as a “pro controller”, funnily enough).

I remember trading in my Wii U, my 3DS, and all my games for those two systems to GameStop just to upgrade my PS4 to a PS4 Pro just for the benefit of 5 gigahertz wifi. Another bonus is that my PS4 Pro ended up being the super cool limited edition Death Stranding edition.

The Wii U is like the friend you get bored with because you’ve run out of things to talk to. You know you want to spend more time with it but you just run out of interest in anything it has to offer. But you don’t hate the Wii U, right? You’re just bored of it. It’s indifference that kept the Wii U in cement shoes. But I digress.

It wasn’t until December 2024 where I kinda wanted to get a Wii U again just to play Xenoblade Chronicles X. I already preordered the game for the Switch but goddamn it, I wanna play it on its original console. It was a big reason why I bought the Wii U in the first place. Mario Maker isn’t that fun now because Nintendo’s online services for the Wii U have shut down. I got Hyrule Warriors Definitive Edition for the Switch and it’s absolutely amazing on it so I probably won’t need to buy it again for the Wii U (but I most likely will because I’m a collector).

I traded in a dozen or so games that I don’t care about or don’t play or have never played to the local retro game store I frequent and I basically got a Wii U for free. This Wii U bundle came with 3 Wii U games I’ve never played before - Smash Brothers for Wii U, New Super Mario Bros. U, and Mario Kart 8.

I played a bit of Super Mario Bros. and I remember why I only enjoyed making levels and not playing them. The jumping feels a little floaty and not accurate compared to older Mario games but that’s fine. Wall jumping is fun but that doesn’t really save it for me. Maybe I’ll give it another chance soon.

Playing Xenoblade Chronicles X on the Wii U with a remake coming in 2025 would make someone think that I’m crazy but trading in enough games to get a Wii U for free and just paying 40 dollars for Xenoblade - a game that can go up to 120 dollars for some reason. I never gave my Wii U a chance so buying Xenoblade would definitely be a starting point.

I'm Still In A Stream, Snake Eater

Oh hello there, random reader! It’s been a while since my last long post that wasn’t just about breasts. What have I been up to? I’m glad you asked in this one-sided conversation.

I’ve quit streaming so that’s something. Not necessarily something I’d consider bad, more like extremely liberating.

It’s genuinely freeing to not be a Twitch streamer anymore. It used to be fun, playing wrestling games, and ranking bad ones. I didn’t care about the money or the views because to me, it was just refreshing to just talk to people and do stupid stuff in video games. I didn’t ever see it as a big deal like other people do. To me, it wasn’t about “building a community” and getting all these subscriptions. Yeah, I’ve gotten payouts from Twitch but I never saw it as something to quit my job over and then  bitch about why numbers are so low.

It was exhausting mentally to put on a happy face and pretend to be nice to people I actively dislike “just because it’s civil”. “Civil”, meaning, “for the views”. Here’s something about me - I don’t like being disingenuous with people I have no need for. Twitch isn’t a job for me, it’s not my livelihood. It’s just an entertainment website for me and the people I met there, I considered as friends. Big mistake because then you get to see how two-faced a lot of them are. It’s jarring to see someone talk shit about someone else in private and then act all buddy-buddy in public. I hate seeing that. I hate doing that. 

It just boiled down to me calling out a former streamer friend for openly flirting with a married man who was being openly flirtatious in public, drawing her art and stuff. It was disgusting. The worst part is that the married man had never seen what the dumb streamer looked like so he was flirting with a cartoon and a voice. Gross. Maybe I could’ve handled it better than posting a cut off photo of Roman Reigns that says “Kill Yourself” on the bottom but it was just exhausting to be around these people I considered friends and I just blew up. Screw that. I didn’t need that drama in my life. I am my own drama.

It was tiring to be in communities where people just cared about views and subscriptions. It was exhausting to be in streams where the streamer’s gimmick is “bullied by chat” and “oh i’m a gamer girl”. That’s like 90 percent of Twitch streamers. That doesn’t make anyone special.

Maybe I’ll stream again in the coming year but I genuinely feel exhausted when I get the urge. Every time I look at the microphone on my desk, I get the urge to start streaming. Then I remember how bullshit my former friends are to me with their clique-y high school bullshit. 

The amount of times I’ve seen streamer friends not be in a good headspace is astounding. Maybe you shouldn’t stream if you’re this fragile. Maybe you should just shut up and go play in private. Maybe streaming isn’t for you if you’re this mentally fragile.

Yearly post

Wouldn't wanna end the year with no post at all so here:

Boobies. 

But you're still the same

You know it's kinda weird to see someone you know you were going to ask out in the near future and you just lose feelings for them in a snap. It's like the lights turn on and you see that the room's been empty and everything you've assumed inside wasn't there after all. It's hard to explain.

Part of me thinks I'm fickle and I've just grown accustomed to that feeling of temporary infatuation. Then you realize it doesn't matter and you don't matter to them and it was all just overthinking in your head. You're back to square one with one less person you had feelings for.

Lately, I've been too focused on nothing, if that makes sense. I really, really wanted to see if things go right with this lady. I really wanted to take a chance and see where it goes.

Risk Failure

There's a quote I always go back to whenever I have a setback in work or my career in general. It's a quote from wrestling manager and former promoter Paul Heyman said in the Rise and Fall of ECW documentary.

"I'll risk failure. Sometimes, half the fun is failing. Learning from your mistakes, waking up the next morning, and saying 'Okay. Watch out. Here I come again. A little bit smarter, licking my wounds, and really not looking forward to getting my ass kicked the way I just did yesterday.' So now, I'm just a little more dangerous."

With Thanks To My Teachers

On Tuesday, I had my last day alone in the classroom before the disrespectful classmates came back for the last two days of class. I like to think that Tuesday, January 17, was my final day in school. I've said my goodbyes. I've taken in the moments in the empty classroom. A classroom I won't see again soon.

My teacher was there on campus surprisingly so I was able to thank her properly for all her help. I couldn't have made it this far without her. The back row of classroom was considered cursed because the people I shared a row with had either quit or got kicked out. It was depressing for me but my teacher was happy that I stayed and made it through. I told her how nervous I was to move on, how sad I was that I wanna know what happens next. She said she wouldn't have given me all these tasks in class if she didn't think I can do it. She believed in me when I know I couldn't and I consider that a kind gesture.

Today, January 18, I properly offered my gratitude to another teacher. She called me a kind person, which I appreciate. Sometimes I don't feel it but I try to be kind whenever I can. "Always try to be nice but never fail to be kind," I said. I told her that I was thankful I had her as a teacher. She basically said that the best thing for a teacher was to watch their students flourish. I thanked her for being patient with me and how I can never thank her enough.

I could never thank these teachers enough. They changed my life. They taught me everything I know in this new career I'm taking. I wish I won't disappoint them.

Being Done With School

 

Everything ends and it's always sad, but everything begins again, too. And that's always happy. Be happy.
- 12th Doctor

Part of me is sad that school is ending. I mean, it was only a 5-month course and it was so good to get A's again. It's been years since I've done well in school. This is just a step to a better career. I had great teachers that helped me out so much. I'm sad about my routine being over. Graduation goggles, as they call it.

I could do so much more. So much more. But this is what I get. My reward. Well, it's not fair!
- 10th Doctor

I had high hopes of making good connections with these people I called classmates. Despite my optimism for new social links, they have been disappointing, to say the least.

 I wish it could've gone differently with these people but at the same time, I dislike everything about them for how they treated me. I honestly can't stand them hindering class with their bullshit, if I'm being honest (and I always am).

I'll Never Get Back What I Lost Track Of

There was a time when I was hoping to have a better friendship with this classmate who I used to like. It's been a while since I actually liked someone and had a reason to be in the same room as them. Unfortunately, they never meet my self-imposed expectations 

My time with this collective group of disappointments is coming to an end and I know it could've been better. I could've done so much more. So much more. And this is my reward. I can't say it's not fair but I dislike it. I didn't do a goddamn thing.

There was a point where I expected things to go differently. It was in the program's early stages, and I was still trying to be this friendly person who introduced himself to everyone because I wanted to make connections for this new career I was pursuing. As time went on, they just stopped acknowledging me for some reason. I still don't know why and I resent a lot of them for it.

Well, let's get the dramatic description of how I saw things and how I expected something out of the way again.

---

I finished the quiz that day, half an hour early, and had lots of time to calm down. I wanted to calm down and relax somewhere. I didn't know anyone else that well yet so those storylines and social links haven't started yet. I remember it would've been a great opportunity to talk to the girl I like, the one I have a big crush on, but I could never get any opportunities. I sat on this yellow bench outside my classroom. Not the best seat but it'll do. I put on my earphones and listen to some HAIM. The song, "Lost Track". Very appropriate.

♫ Mastered my own luck

But it wasn't easy

I'm tryin' to feel alright

Around all these people

I try, but I'm just numb

This time ♫

As the song played through my earphones, I just thought, well, nothing's gonna happen today so might as well just stay in my own head.

Then without warning, she comes from around the corner, finishing a phone call. I recognized that blonde hair anywhere. As she sat down on the same bench, I thought, this must be a joke, right?

A chance to talk to someone I admire just came out of nowhere. How often would that happen? 

"Oh hey," I said casually. "Everything okay?"

She smiled and nodded. "Everything's good. How are you?"

"I'm okay, just vibing," I said jokingly, trying to be a cool guy. "So tell me more about your life story."

She told me more about herself, which I've wanted to hear for several weeks now. It was nice to know more about this person through casual, lighthearted conversation. We exchanged details about our college lives, what we did in the past, and what were our backgrounds like.

She said she liked having her friend around so she can be humble. "I need her to humble me," she remarked. To this day, I still don't know what she meant by that.

Her friend came out and said they'd get lunch together. As disappointed as I was that it had to end, I'm glad it happened. "I'll see you around," I said.

"See you later, Ralph!" she replied, walking away, drifting into conversation with her friend.

That was a nice surprise, I thought. Can't wait till the next time.

I put my earphones back on and resume playing the song I was listening to.

♫ Meeting you caused a chain reaction (chain reaction)

I'll take the smallest crumb

But I'll never get back what I lost track of ♫

---

I remember writing a ton of these back in 2011, dramatizing my interactions with the women I've liked throughout the years. I always like putting it all in writing because I know I'll forget these moments in the future.

I'll admit that I really felt nice about that moment on the bench. Looking back, once again, it could've been so much more.

But You Make The Same Old Mistakes

The Doctor: You can't see me, can you? You look at me, and you can't see me. Have you any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone, I'm right here, standing in front of you. Please, just, just see me.

I'll admit I'm a dramatic man. I've done stuff to the point of insanity. Maybe it's the lack of interaction. Maybe it's how I find everyone disappointing lately. Maybe it's just me wanting to be seen by someone but really, it sucks not being able to connect with someone I'm infatuated with. There, I admit it. I make it plain and painfully obvious sometimes. I'm like an open book on a billboard.

It started at the bookstore. Last day to buy books before school starts. This fantastic-looking lady is buying books before me and sure enough, I heard her buy the same books I needed. 

The dramatic and romantic part of me instantly liked her. You know what? I can set the scene. I was a literature major after all. And you know what? Lemme tell you something dramatic in a way that only I can, literature major skills and depression combined. Usually, those work hand in hand with each other.

---

I arrived on campus a quarter to 10, not realizing that the bookstore opened at 10am. I walked into the VCC bookstore, hoping to find the books I needed. I overheard other people in the bookstore talking about books. Specifically, books I needed because I heard the term "legal office procedures" being said.

There she was. 

Oh lord, why? I thought. She looks fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

She buys the books I needed, and she inadvertently worried me that she bought the last set I need.

Thankfully she didn't. She and I stood side by side in the cashier line and I got curious. "Hey, are you also taking the legal administrative assistant course?" I asked.

She smiled and said, "Yeah, you too, I assume?"

That smile is infectious, I'll admit. I finally had a smile on my face that day. "I am, yeah, so I guess we'll be classmates."

We each paid for our books and she headed out the exit first. I stayed behind to catch a final view of this woman.

"I'll see you in class!" she says with a smile.

"I'll see you soon... classmate."

The song "New Person, Same Old Mistakes" by Tame Impala plays in the background as she walks away.

♬ Feel like a brand-new person

(But you make the same old mistakes)

Well, I don't care I'm in love

(Stop before it's too late, I know) ♬

---

I know that's not exactly how it went and I had to cut a few parts out such as dialogue and other places where I saw her but that's the gist of it.

But as time went on, it's taken a toll on my mental health, this lack of acknowledgment and social link progress. I admit I expected too much. I know I'm never gonna see her again. I just need to tell her that I liked her just for my own closure because I sometimes think I'll regret it if I don't say it. I can't promise myself it'll be good or turn out well but knowing how I can't shut up about it mentally, it'll be... fantastic.

And that's how my dramatic mind works.

 

No Love Lost, No Love Found

Dear classmates and to whom it may concern,

I wanna say thank you for welcoming me with open arms... But you didn't.

Even in the first day, there was already exclusion. All I wanted was to get to know you more. Make a few friends here and there. Make solid connections for future work.

But as time went on, I saw that it was impossible. You showed your true colors but luckily I'm not color-blind. I wanna say I'm sorry... But I won't. And for what? I've even tried mending imaginary fences from no fault it my own. With that being said, I really wished things could've been better but I already saw how it was.

Thank you for adding to the stress of my mental health. Thank you for never acknowledging me whenever I tried to reach out. Thank you for basically never giving me the time of day. I don't appreciate being just another body to pass by but that's what you basically did.

I hope to never see the majority of you ever again. I don't wish you well because why should I? The majority of you never wished me well. And I don't wish you good luck. I wish you would all just disappear. I cannot stand the thought of you interacting with me again. I cannot stand your voices and I never want to see you in my line of sight again.

 

Sincerely,

RALPH

RDLA:rdla

Marie and Erin

"All those bright and shining companions! ...But not anymore?"

The Doctor: No.

"If I may ask, why not?"

The Doctor: They leave. Because they should, or they find someone else. And some of them, some of them... forget me. I suppose, in the end... They break my heart.

I'll admit I'm not a good person to keep around. Sometimes I just like saying things out to the universe to keep me sane because it's better than keeping it all inside. So this is one of those times.

I'm not gonna say anything new about friendship - I know I'm bad at it - but I do miss my friends from time to time.

I used to have a good friend named Marie. A really good friend. I called her my person. I know it didn't end on the best of terms but I really do get reminded of her sometimes. When I was in the psych ward, I remember I missed Marie. I missed my old best friend who can talk me out of doing horrible things to others and to myself. I felt like I failed her again.

There are instances where you meet someone new and they remind you of someone you've lost. I've had that multiple times and I like to think it's the universe telling me to try again this time but do it better, don't do anything wrong, and try to avoid the same mistakes. I met a classmate named Erin and she was fantastic. Quiet but fantastic because she made me feel good about myself.

She had to drop out of the course because of personal reasons. When I lost contact with Erin, I felt it was Marie all over. It still stings.

Erin listened to me about a lot of things. She listened when I told her about my infatuation with my classmate. I would say "oh my god, Jamie doesn't reply. What the hell?" but she said she still wished things could be better. "I ship you and Jamie" she once said. And that's when I knew I had a friend who's worth keeping around because she supported my stupid crush. It felt nice to be validated rather than "she's too pretty for you". Erin felt like someone I could talk to about what I could've done in progressing this social link with Jamie. I always knew it wasn't going to happen but Erin humored me but made me feel optimistic about it.

Honestly, Erin reminded me of Marie. She was there to listen and I gave her the right to open up to me. I felt good about myself because someone saw me as a good person and it felt nice. Erin listened to me when I opened up and I listened to her when she had problems. I really wanted to be there for her. I really wanted to keep her around for years to come because oh my god, it's a new friend.

 

In the end, that's all we're left with. Moments. Memories. Things left unsaid.

Everybody leaves and it's always sad. Everybody moves on. Mostly from me.

Ah well...

Rebecca

Look, I know you're never gonna read this but this is more for me and it's something I just need to say into the ether. Let me be selfish for once and let me not do things to make you happy. Because I really was happy to know you. And I won't forget the nights in New West. I wonder if it could've been so much more.

I only contacted you again recently to see if you were single. But you're not. And you're married now. And I couldn't accept that and have you in my life again at the same time because I know I'd be jealous.

Yet, I did miss you for a time. You taught me a lot about responsibility and accountability. You taught me a lot about what women go through and you taught me to be a better person. You got me into Grey's Anatomy. Without you, I wouldn't have binged 16 seasons of the show. I enjoyed watching it with you and I'll never forget that.

That's how I want to remember you. The girl I really liked who I enjoyed meeting up at the pier in New West. The girl who at one point would drop everything for because I wanted to cheer you up. Everything was okay because I was talking to you. That's all I have now.

I'm genuinely... not happy for you. I'm not happy for you at all. I'm not happy you're married. That's the selfish part of me. I could say that I am happy and "I wish you and your American husband the best" but I'm not because I don't feel that at all. I'm not happy for you, as petty and selfish and bitter as it is. I genuinely had feelings for you you but sometimes things aren't meant to be and the storyline doesn't play out. 

To paraphrase a Doctor, I just wanted you to see me. You never saw me. You looked at me and you couldn't see me. Do you have any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone anymore. I was right there. Standing in front of you, telling you "Please just see me."

Clearly, that was a mistake on my part because I'm not allowed to be happy. I'm selfish, I know.

Goodbye, Rebecca.