New Year’s Resolutions

I’ve wanted to start 2012 with a clean conscience. I’ve apologized and made up with my high school friends who had conflicts with me. I’ve sent out a letter of gratitude to a friend of mine online who I haven’t spoken to for 2-3 years now. That one wasn’t an apology since I’ve stated that in the letter. It was a letter of gratitude, saying that despite the conflict that she and I had 2 years ago, without her as my friend, I wouldn’t be where I am today with my friends and my accomplishments. I even plan on personally apologizing to a friend of mine (or ex-friend of mine, since she’s blocked me on Facebook and hates my talkativeness) on January 3, the resumption of class.

New Year’s resolutions are overrated nowadays since they’re usually forgotten or broken after a week or so. So, attempting to join in on this clichéd practice, I’ve come up with a few resolutions. I’ve made empty promises before and these could be empty as well, depending on the situations.

First, I would focus on my friends more than I do with searching for a love life that’smost likely never going to arrive anyway. Back in 2011, I was focused on two girls that I had a huge crush on. For 2012, I want to focus on my friends and see if they’re worth having in the future. I’m grateful for the close friends that I have.

Second, I’ll use public transportation. I’ve already fired my driver just so I could do this. I’ll rely on jeeps and taxis from now on until I can actually get driving lessons. Public transportation is a little unsafe because with all the girls I’ve known and been mean to, I might get run over sooner or later.

Third, I would be a little nicer. This one is hard since being mean has been associated with me for the past year or more (Blame 10 years of watching Chandler Bing on Friends). However, I’ve noticed that I tend to be so bad that people get offended without even my realizing it. For Twitter, just so people I joke with would know that I’m still joking with them, I include #Mean with those tweets and when I’m being sincere, I add #NotMean. This is because people don’t believe me when I’m being nice anymore, as if the line between sarcasm and sincerity has been blurred and it’s all my fault.

And fourth, I would finish a short story that’s actually readable and original. Fan fiction doesn’t count despite my efforts to work on my old Final Fantasy VII story “Our Solemn Hour”. I want to write something that I could actually publish and be proud of. The problem is that it’s hard to be original and no matter what idea you have and think that’s original, someone out there has done it even better. So I what I tend to do when I write my stories is that I take ideas from several other movies, comics or TV shows and tweak them to the point that they might seem original. As legendary wrestling personality Jim Cornette says, “If you steal from one person, it’s plagiarism. If you steam from many, it’s research. “ I’m a horrible writer, I know.

Ralphisms – The Playbook

It’s been witnessed by my friends that I possess a certain book written by Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother – a certain book entitled “The Playbook”. It’s a collection of what the character Barney Stinson used on women to trick them into having sex with him. It’s a hilarious book actually

Now, in reality, I just bought the book for a laugh but somehow, in my sick twisted sense of humor, I’ve made people believe that I will actually use this book to have sex (even though that’s not the intention of the book, if taken seriously).

However, there was one trick in that book that I wanted to use called “The Fall in Love”. Google it, it’s on Google Books actually. I was nearly done with the play but rather than end it with sex, I wanted to end it with a relationship (Call me desperate). The problem is that the girl I liked was taken. Plus, she didn’t understand the Playbook (probably because it’s in English. HAHA! Mean).

The funny thing was that I actually used one of the plays on Valentine’s Day of 2011. The “He’s Not Coming” although I just used it for fun. Lover’s Lane in UST is a great place to find lonely girls you could use the “He’s Not Coming” on (Just try not to have a girl cry on your shoulder like one girl did. She got tears on my jacket, damn it).

Anyway, I only keep this book here just to make the façade of my being awesome a little closer to Barney Stinson’s. This is the reason that people consider me polarizing – they either get my act or they really think that I’m serious (which makes them stupider, if you think about it). 

Ralphisms – “I Think I’m In Love With Her”

This one is one of my favorites because it’s an exaggerated version of me in my first year of college. The origin of the “I think I’m in love with her” is from the first episode of How I Met Your Mother where Ted Mosby says “I think I’m in love with you” on the first date and basically ruins his chances with Robin, the girl he was dating. And during my first year, I can remember being desperately infatuated with a few girls (okay, a lot of girls). So basically, every time I say this, it’s a parody myself and my hopeless romantic ways from first year college.

Every time I see a cute girl with my friends. I’d say something along the lines of “Hey, look at that girl. She looks really cute—I think I’m in love with her…” Then they’d proceed to laugh or punch me in the arm. The way I say “I think I’m in love with her” is in the same tone as Ted Mosby said it, except my tone is obviously exaggerated.

It even works well with just one friend. When a cute friend of mine looks great, I say “Hey (insert girl’s name here), you look so cute—I think I’m in love with you.” That’s when they laugh.

It’s not even supposed to be taken seriously (as with the rest of my “Ralphisms”) but if somehow, a girl took this one too seriously, I’ll be prepared to either laugh at their gullibility or just run away because oh dear god, that girl is a more desperate hopeless romantic than I am.

However, the only caution to this is that you never (and I repeat, NEVER) say this to a girl you like because if you do, she’d realize that you’ll never be able to say it to her seriously. With something as serious as the word “love” and the rising assumptions of other hopeless romantics, you shouldn’t take any chances. That’s why you should only say this to friends that would only remain as friends. If you say this to the girl you like and she doesn’t get that it’s a joke, consider your chances killed. (And I'll have you know, I've never said this to a girl I like so I'm not speaking from experience here.)

Valentine’s Day Expectations

This coming February 14 is alternatively called “Single Awareness Day” because as the couples show their affections for each other, we single people are made aware of just how single and romantically unlucky we are.

Now being a hopeless romantic (wow, that word’s probably losing its meaning with how many times I’m using it), I’ve planned out Valentine’s Day since May of 2011. Seriously, I did but it was for another girl and that’s in the past.

Mediartrix, a wonderful theatre organization in UST, offers this awesome promo where they would serenade the person you like and would give them a rose as well. That romantic gesture costs only 100 Pesos at least. Although I’ve been told that other desperate people pay to have themselves serenaded and pretend that it’s from an anonymous admirer (Jesus H. Christ, even I wouldn’t stoop that low).

I’m going to pay the organization to serenade a girl I like. The song? “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry except it’ll be the cover version done by Boyce Avenue, which is actually sweet and better for a guy to use.

Perhaps one of the serenading people could knock on her classroom and asked her to come out. When she does, they sing the song and it’ll be totally romantic. I’ll then come out from the corner and say “‘Hopeless romantic meets beautiful girl’ would make a great short story, wouldn’t it? I know things are still a little awkward between us but I hope this clears it. Happy Valentine’s day.”

Okay, maybe it’s a little pretentious for me or a little too dramatic but hey, it’s just a first draft. And it’s just my expectations. Eventually, reality will come in and kick my ass for expecting too much or being too dramatic. Or maybe, instead of reality, that girl would kick my ass herself since she could actually beat the living hell out me in a fury of feminine rage and high heels.

The Grand Romantic Gesture

We’ve all seen it in the movies. The guy does something extraordinary for the love interest just so he can show that he loves her. Given that the guy’s desperately in love with her, he wouldn’t mind getting a cup of coffee some time (okay, I paraphrased that line from Friends). Now, flowers are cliché. Giving her chocolates is too common. Saying “I love you” is not as good since actions speak louder than words. The most exaggerated way to show that the guy loves the girl is by doing some grand romantic gesture.

It could be simple. From the first season of the show Friends, Ross gave Rachel an expensive pin that looked like what her grandmother had. Not really “simple” but it’s the simplest compared to the others.

Now, most grand romantic gestures would be excessive and somehow impossible. Ted, in the first season of How I Met Your Mother, actually made it rain for his love interest Robin. Okay, maybe you don’t have to defy the laws of physics because that’s a little hard but still, the grand romantic gesture is something that seals the deal in a relationship. In the movie Big Fish, the protagonist (I forgot his name) actually called five different states to have a whole park planted with his love interest’s favorite flower, viewable outside her window. It’s a romantic scene albeit really, really expensive.

In my stay in UST, I’ve encountered dozens of hopeless romantics. The difference between us is that they don’t bitch as much as I do about having a significant other (and I bitch about it a lot). Personally, I’ve always wanted to do some grand romantic gesture sooner or later for a girl I like. Plus, I even planned it but I’ll talk about that later. If I like a girl enough to make a grand romantic gesture in public for her, I’d make it simple yet effective.  Although I assume several people have thought I made a grand romantic gesture since I gave a girl a plush pink puppy last December 15 (I’m only assuming that since I gave it to her in front of her entire section) but more on that later.

In actuality, doing a grand romantic gesture is a risk. Timing is always the key. Do the gesture in public in a bad time and you’ve just made a total idiot of yourself. However, with the right timing, nothing could be sweeter. What a great moment to remember, right?

2011 in review

That was the year I had to take summer classes. It was the year I had major crush on a girl from sociology. The year I got slapped the first time. The year I lost out to being Mr. Literature. The year I adapted Barney Stinson's traits into my life. The year I tried to be romantic and did things for girls that I like.

And damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life!

The Mean Factor

The current adjective being used to describe me is “mean”. I get that from my friends in my literature course, my professors in my literature course, the officials in the organization I’m in, and even the girls I’ve had crushes on so it’s not really odd for people to call me mean.

I could remember one of the meanest times I had was in the TomasinoWeb organization room when I totally unleashed joke after joke to my org-mate named Alyssa (pronounced “Eliza” apparently). And for some reason, her reactions are totally hilarious and just add fuel to the fire. It’s really awesome when she whines like a cute little girl (only not cute. HAHA! I’m kidding). It’s actually simple to be mean to her. When she’s with her friends, I could simply say “Hi girls. …Alyssa”, which really makes her seem like a new gender. It’s hilarious and then she calls me mean for some reason (stating the obvious, really). My god, looking back at that paragraph, I actually do sound mean. Oh well.

It’s alright to be mean as long as you’re hilarious in doing it. Well, not really alright, since you’re being a bad guy and all. But still, being mean is just throwing jokes at someone as if you’re like being friendly with them. It’s a form of communication mixed with humor at the expense of your friend and even yourself. Why? ‘Cause it’s fun!

My big tool for pulling off this meanness act is sarcasm. People who can’t detect sarcasm are the ones whose minds are on a dial-up connection while everyone else is on DSL. The problem is not your jokes but rather the people you’re directing them to. A good joke is only good by the reaction it gets. It’s like this: If a joke is told and no one is there to laugh at it, is it funny?

Use sarcasm when it’s appropriate and on a person who would actually understand that you’re being sarcastic. An example is how I made my friend Miho Octobergloom (that’s her nickname) laugh a few months ago. Since she was an exemplary writer and a member of the Thomasian Writers Guild or TWG (“TweeGee” as it’s pronounced), I would often joke with her and scoff “Oh look, Tweegee girl’s here. Ugh! I gotta get out of here!” But for all intents and purposes, I did that to make her laugh and thankfully, she did. Had she not understood the joking sarcasm, she would have been angry and hit me with a chair or something.

Sarcasm is a hard thing to master because you need to time it. It should only be used at the right time with the right audience who you know would actually get your sarcastic jokes. Your classmate makes a joke? A good time to use sarcasm. Your classmate opens up to you seriously? Bad time to be sarcastic. At a funeral? Really bad time. Being held up by a mugger? Really, really bad time. (Dude, why would you be sarcastic when you’re being held up?! That’s just stupid, man!)

If you master sarcasm or at least good with it and know how to use it, you’ll be ultimately mean. All you need now is the material or the fuel to add to your flaming desire to mock somebody.

Ralphisms – To “Ralph” somebody

Ralph (v.) – to confess your feelings to someone you like but too soon and not in person.
Used in a sentence: "He just Ralphed her through Facebook! Jeez!"

Now this is something that isn’t supposed to be proud of nor should it be used at all because if you Ralph someone (yes, it’s a verb now created by me), it means you’re a hopeless romantic who wants to be loved but the girl you like isn’t feeling the same thing or the timing is wrong. Then usually, it’s done through text or through a social media site.

There are two parts on how to Ralph someone. First, there’s “too soon”.

I can surely say this because I’m an expert of doing things “too soon”. I’ve written papers on “too soon”. I’ve posted blogs about “too soon”. Heck, I even gave a talk about “too soon” (only not really, I just wanted to sound like Dustin Hoffman in Stranger than Fiction). “Too soon” is when you ignore timing and do whatever the hopeless romantic you see in the movies does. It usually ends in disaster. For example, Ted Mosby in the first episode of How I Met Your Mother said “I think I’m in love with you” to a girl he just gone out with in one date. That’s “too soon”. At least it was done in person, which meant Ted had the guts to say it and face the reaction.

The second part of Ralphing someone is to not do it in person.

Now saying “I love you” in the first date is popularly called Mosby-ing someone. To Ralph someone, you have to do it through non-personal means. For example, you confess your infatuation on a girl through text. I mean, come on! Who does that?! (*Ahem*) I mean, at least have the guts to say it in person! (Yeah Ralph from July 2011, have the guts!) No one says they like someone unless it’s the only form of communication they have, like the girl is on the other side of the world or something. Say what you have to say in person and face the consequences. Don’t text “I lied. When I said I have a crush on other girls, that was a lie and I’m sorry. There are no other girls. Only you.” (Wow, where did that come from?) Say it in person! It sounds more personal that way.

Basically, to Ralph someone is to text someone you like them when you know that it’s not the perfect time to say it or you two just aren’t on that level yet. Never, ever Ralph someone.

Ralphisms – “So, how’s the weather?”

Now, before we get to why the title is like that, I’ll address this. This is gonna be some sort of series just so people can understand my jokes and see what’s actually intended. This is something like an explanation of my jokes and how they can be considered as mean. And maybe even a playbook for you mean people out there looking for new mean things to do to others.

This is one of my favorite mean things to do. This is really simple but it involves at least three people in the conversation. Here’s how it goes. Three of you must be in a conversation and after your friend finishes his or her long sentence, take a moment of silence and ask your other friend “So, how’s the weather?” Here’s a demo.

Karina: (Finishes story about a band or something)

(Silence)

Ralph: …So, Jonah, how’s the weather?

Karina: MEAN!

Now how is that mean? Simple! By asking “Jonah” or the second friend in the conversation about the weather, it would imply that you didn’t give a damn about what “Karina” or the first friend said in the conversation, no matter how insightful it was. You would rather talk about something as dull as the weather, of all things.

Try it out and prepared to be punched in the arm.

Growl A Bit More, Tiger Radio

When Tiger Radio is on the air and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

UST, my current college, actually has a studio in the library where they broadcast several programs for TV and radio. Of course I respect them for their efforts but I do have some several nuances (or “difference in opinion” in simpler terms). I want them to succeed but it’s like no one even watches their shows at all.

The problem is that they only broadcast around UST and on the internet. I know broadcasting on the internet is good but there's a problem: the audience that they're appealing to is having class during those times or basically not caring since they seem to have better things to do. So basically, it's like that earlier question: When Tiger Radio is on the air and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

I have other thoughts that might help them. Of course this is just a guy who watches too much pro wrestling so what do I know, right? I’m just thinking like an amateur wrestling booker here so hey, you guys don’t have to take my suggestions since I don’t know what the staff does or how hard does it take for new ideas to go through.

I like how the DJs are lively. The guests, however, not so much. I find it entertaining that the DJs are the lively ones while the guests sound like lifeless entities. The guests should be just as lively, if not livelier, than the DJs themselves. I want to listen to someone worth listening to and I want to be entertained (I’m just part of the latter – I’m entertaining but not worth listening to. HAHA). I don’t want to listen to someone who sounds more boring than the speech function on most PCs or shy as a little girl.

Also, I just wish they’d allow downloads or at least replays. Professional wrestling personality Jim Cornette has his podcast called “Who’s Slamming Who?” and it’s been downloaded for over one hundred thousand times already (Seriously). Not just because it’s very entertaining, but because people can catch up to whatever they’ve missed and enjoy the show. When someone says “Oh you wouldn’t believe what he said”, you could just go to the site and download it.

I wish they’d avoid being like the soap operas on TV where they don’t show replays and show episodes daily, so when you’ve missed an episode, you’re lost. The downloads don't even have to be on UST's servers. Megaupload or Mediafire works fine. This way, people can follow what you guys are doing by downloading previous episodes of the show.

So basically, just a few observations that I’ve had for months now (before apathy kicked in). To quote professional wrestling genius Paul Heyman, “You have to make the audience almost uncomfortable with the progression rate because you want them to be afraid to miss a single episode because otherwise, they might miss the spectacular growth of their favorite characters.”

I want those guys to succeed with their radio shows at a rate that people will feel guilty for missing out. Call me crazy.