Mental Note I'm Posting Online For Some Reason

I just wanted to tell you that I liked you. Like, a lot. I've liked you since the beginning of the program. And I know I'm not gonna see you again. Not like this, not with this damn old face. And before I go, I just wanted to tell you that you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what?

...So was I.

Video Game Thoughts - Xbox One Love

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Last time I was in confession was in 2014 when I confessed I like mobile games. I always thought I was a Sony fanboy at heart, not that it's a good thing or anything. Just a self-observation. I still played the occasional mobile game whenever I get the urge to. Two of my favorite mobile games have been Arknights and Genshin Impact, a better version of Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Yeah, I said it.

Zelda games don't come with adrenaline rushes caused by gambling

Sorry, Father, I got on a tangent there. Out of half impulse and half intrigue, I bought an Xbox One. Not even the most recent one - the Xbox Series X - because it's even scarcer than the PlayStation 5, which is surprising. I bought an Xbox One secondhand, because why would I spend "new console" money on something that I have a better version of?

It was originally supposed to be just a machine for Game Pass, this subscription service that's like Netflix but for games. My friend suggested that I get Game Pass for my laptop because I have a capable one now. Then got impulsive and bought a new console instead. The first game I actually played through the service was Life Is Strange: True Colors, part of my favorite series, which made the whole thing worth it. Honestly, for one subscription fee, I could download hundreds of full games (storage space willing) and basically play them until my subscription ended. The first month was a dollar as it was Microsoft saying "hey, the first one's (kinda) free!" I hear that's how cocaine addicts start their journey; their journey to cocaine but a journey nonetheless.

I stopped subscribing to Game Pass because I realized that I only have so much storage space on the system. The Xbox One I bought has 500 gigabytes of storage but 150 of that is used for the system operating system so I'm stuck with 350 gigabytes, which may seem like a lot but consider that some games go up to 100 gigabytes alone so 2 and a half big games would basically eat up my system.

The next dilemma I had was buying games I wanted for the system. Having a PlayStation 4 years ahead of getting an Xbox One put me in a crisis on what to get. Do I rebuild my collection of games for the PS4, basically starting over again but now the cases are green?

What I realized when buying used Xbox One games, they can get cheaper because it seems that people have given up on physical games for the system in exchange for Game Pass. Because think about it, 18 dollars gets you access to hundreds of games while that same 18 dollars would get you one used game on average. With the rise in the usage of Game Pass and the Xbox One system having a digital-only version, I assume people have just gotten rid of their physical games. Why bother putting all these green boxes in shelves when you can just download them with no shelving commitment?

I somehow thought it would be a nice Assassins Creed machine so I started collecting various games of the series. I never really rekindled my love for the games since The Ezio Collection, which is basically me saying that I prefer Dynasty Warriors 4 because I started with it. So I eventually started building up my collection of games for the system.

Unlike my PS4 collection, this is basically all I have (FOR NOW)

 

Buying games I've already played on the PS4 just gave me a reason to play them again. Gotta get all those achievements for my gamer score. I got lucky finding a copy of Deadpool, which is apparently so hard to find nowadays and realizing years later that I shouldn't have sold my copy of it in 2015. 

A game I never really played in my life was Halo. I never owned an Xbox system ever nor have I played it on PC. So I finally got around to playing Halo: Master Chief Collection, which I felt like I missed out on all my life. I love playing campaigns of first person shooters. I love Call of Duty games because of the campaigns so the Master Chief Collection just gave me a ton of games to play through. I played Halo: ODST first because it's the first game on the timeline and after so many deaths and wasted ammo due to piss poor accuracy, it was a good experience. I'm currently halfway through the first Halo game and even after all these years, it's fun for a first timer like me.

Overall, I loved my impulse buy. It's been a great experience because I haven't had a new console in a while and building a collection is definitely a fun hobby.

Moral of the story here is that you should listen to your impulses because they're always good.

What's that, Father? Sorry, I forgot I was still in the confession booth. Penance is one rosary? Thank you, Father.

School, You See?

After quitting my old job back in February for reasons (IE emergency room, playing "Chasing Cars"-in-my-head-related reasons), I didn't work for several months. What I wanted to do was find another job but I was scared of going back to my old ways and possibly relapsing again, leading to another trip to the psych ward.

"If I lay here~ If I just lay here~"

I remember going home from the hospital and my sister suggested that I go back to school. It was a point of contention with my old manager who kept meddling in my personal life. "Go back to school or stay in this store forever." The problem is that I liked working in that store until he came back and was just insufferable out of nowhere. He wanted me to go to school with him, but I didn't and he got mad and attacked me personally. I didn't consider him anything other than a work friend so why bother? This tough love shit was already exhausting and burning me out. 

This led to an existential crisis that ended with me in the psych ward, as mentioned before. It wasn't the best experience. The food was good though. Hospital shepherd's pie? Surprisingly tasty. The walk of shame going out? Surprisingly not fun.

I didn't wanna stay in the same job forever and I felt trapped in this shitty, high-pressure job for several years. I felt like I couldn't make the best of it any longer but I tried and it burned me out too much. I wanted to at least have a good time with it but with the amount of annoying work and disregard for mental health the job gave me, it wasn't worth it.

It was when I had to run everything by myself that gave me the time of my life. It was great. They couldn't take that away from me. I loved it because it gave me a glimpse of what I wanted eventually. However, I couldn't stay there in a toxic environment.

After 6 months of not working and basically enjoying life, figuring out who my real friends are, figuring out who my good friends are, I felt like I regenerated to a new self. 

"KIDNEYS! I got new kidneys! I don't like the color."

There was a time I was very, very anxious to go out because I knew what I was capable of doing now. But I feel like going back to school was a good step forward. I had my months of recovery with no work and I loved it, but now it's time to actually make a step forward.

I wanna feel good about myself. And I don't know how.

So far, I've been trying my best to actually be a good student. With getting A's, which I never got a lot of in high school or college, I wanted to be consistent and maybe then, I'll feel good about myself. But so far, that's not working.

Philippines 2022

It's been 4 years since I've set foot in the Philippines again. I was supposed to visit in 2020 but COVID-19 happened so I ended up going to North Carolina. Not that there's anything wrong with that. In fact, it was my first time visiting the US. I liked going there because of the clubs and seeing my cousins who I haven't seen in more than 5 years. But the problem was that it wasn't home. 

I was trying to do a multiple post series of my trip back in 2018 but I just couldn't find the words anymore, to be honest. It was tough, and I just didn't know how to write it all down.

Instead of a 14-hour flight like before, going to the US was a 6-hour flight. Personally, I love long flights and I think flights should be at least 8 hours. It just lets me relax and unwind while sitting uncomfortably in a seat with the possibility of being woken up by turbulence. I joke but I really like the plane experience.

It was great. This trip was better mentally because it was the first vacation I've had with no emotional baggage from ex-friends. I was already off work since February and one of the reasons I left was because they wouldn't let me take a month off to go to the Philippines. Excuse me if we were understaffed but I was able to do it myself. But I digress.

The only thing I wasn't looking forward to was the weather. It was way too hot and humid. I remember sweating like a roasting pig when I first got out of the airport. I immediately missed the Canadian fall weather. The big difference is that Canadian summers are uncomfortably dry and it's horrible. The problem with the Philippine weather I encountered was that it's always hot. It would rain hard and it would still be hot. Even at night, it was still hot. Maybe I'm just used to Canadian weather.

I'm always a sucker for malls. There's a mall named SM Fairview and the last time I was in the Philippines, it was just a rundown mall. That's apparently changed in the years since because I absolutely adore that mall. It used to be dark and unappealing to the eyes but surprisingly, it's been fun! Except for the lower ground floor where people line up by the dozen to a chicken restaurant for the unlimited rice. I perfectly understand why and I don't blame them. I'd do it too. I'd bring a fanny pack just to take home extra rice.

Another mall I loved going to since 2018 was Ever Gotesco. It's an old mall with lights being dim, and the department store looks like it's over 50 years old. It definitely needs a makeover but how do you redesign a department store without losing revenue, right? There are also stalls on the lower ground floor where you can buy cheap or knockoff clothing and accessories. Of course, being someone who looks for drip, I bought a Louis Vitton bag for 8 dollars. It's my favorite souvenir from that mall.

At the house my family stayed in, I met a stray dog that was brought in by the maids. His name is Bruno. I kinda regret not bringing him to Canada but I know I wouldn't be able to take care of him well. I remember he had worms so deworming him would cost more here. I miss him. He's grown so much now, barely recognizable to others but I know that nose anywhere. Bruno was the one that made me wanna get a pet so eventually, I adopted my pet cat named Chandler. I appreciate what Bruno was to me.

I think it was the first time I didn't cry at the airport after a trip. I feel like it's because I had such a good time and I know I'll be back again soon. The problem that I have now is my grandmother passed away recently and this was the last time I saw her. I promised to see her next year but I didn't mean it in these circumstances. 

"So hello, Ralph, what's up?"

I'll admit, I'm not in the best mood lately. Well, I haven't been up to anything after February 26.

I don't think I detailed everything when I posted about that date. What really happened was that I ended up at the psych ward after the ER. I had planned to end it all that day until I was stopped. I then just asked to be driven to the ER instead.

I imagined what it'll be like in Grey's Anatomy and I'm the patient of the episode.

Alex Karev: What do we got?

Meredith Grey: Male, 29, admitted himself here because of suicidal tendencies.

Karev: That's it? Give him a lollipop and get him outta here.

Meredith: Alex!

It was too much. I didn't like what I was doing for a living and I thought I was just stuck in a toxic environment. I thought there was no way out.

So yes, that's what's up.