Friday, September 21, 2018

I don't have to worry

Oh I don't have to worry, right? I don't have to worry about saying the right things, trying to get past a land mine of eggshells. I don't have to worry about doing the right things too, taking time out of my "busy" schedule and making time for someone to share how miserable or wonderful our days went. I don't have to worry about that.

I don't even have to worry about my friends not liking some girl they just met if I ever bring her to the Philippines to basically relive my 2018 vacation with someone else. Yes, including Indonesia. I don't have to worry about my family liking or not liking this girl l. I don't have to have to.

Maybe I'm just dwelling on something that I should've let go several months ago.

I don't have to hide, disguise, or deny it. I really don't have to worry then. Right?

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

I have to go back, I need to go back

I have to go back home, I wanna go back home sooner or later.

Because that's my thing, right? If I start to like someone, I just leave the country until I get over it? I did that with Krisly, right? So that must've worked. I did that with Elisa too, and my friends called me out on it. "Spending 1K dollars to get away from your feelings" as they said.

And now that I can't get over Daniela, I wanna go back home. I wanna go and take another 17 hour plane ride to the Philippines where I'm groggy and miserable and cranky and older than everyone else now and I have no one. So I'm in a plane full of people and I'm still alone. I'm not Alain de Botton where he met his girlfriend in "Essays in Love" in a flight.

I wanna go back home where people know me and for sure I won't like anyone because I'll just be in the country for a finite amount of time. Can't like someone for less than a month. Shut up.

I got way more Tinder matches in the Philippines for some reason anyway and they weren't really my type of girls. The type I like actually reply to messages and hold a conversation, something apparently rare nowadays. "She replied? WITH MORE THAN ONE WORD? Bloody hell, that's impressive!" rather than them replying dryly with "Mhm" or "LOL" or "I don't know when I'll ever get the time."

I wanna go home. I don't wanna see Daniela on the downtown train. I don't wanna see anybody. I don't wanna feel anything for anyone for that matter.

Art Appreciation Self-Portrait If I Won The Lottery

I rummaged through more files and found an unfinished paper that I had for Art Appreciation class back in UST. Long post ahead, by the way.

I dropped out of my Art Application class back in 2012 because I was too goddamn broken. That's when my depression started and I didn't even wanna set foot in any class, let alone a class where I was supposed to express myself somehow. Anyway, I salvaged some of the paper and the idea's still there. Might as well post it here.

At first, I wanted to do something similar to "500 Days of Summer" and call it something else but I didn't know how to pad that out to 20 minutes or so. It would've involved Nirvana'a "Heart Shaped Box" in one way or another. Another idea was lip syncing to "Stay" by Mayday Parade. However, if given the money and resources, I thought of one where it's over the top and captures everything well.

The song "How Come You Don't Want Me" by Tegan and Sara was the theme song of my 2012 basically. I was miserable. Sheena and Krisly broke my heart. I had a falling out with "friends" of mine, which was for the better, in hindsight.

I'm as open as a book blasted by a shotgun USUALLY but I didn't really want to do this whole elaborate art project on how a few girls broke me on the inside. Especially Krisly because goddamn, how do you make that into an art project?

Anyway, the video would start with the song playing as I get off the tricycle, because that's when I started using public transit, albeit taking a tricycle ride solo.

"I can't say that I'm sorry for getting so ahead of myself / I can't say that I'm sorry for loving you and hating myself"

The video would start with me walking from Lacson street into the campus while I lip sync with the song. I know Tegan and Sara sang the song but I could've always used a male cover.

As the song goes on, it's all a continuous shot with different things getting in the way. A group of Commerce students cross the screen. An ice cream man sells ice cream in bread rolls to Engineering students. A security guard clotheslines a jejemon fuckboy. I get handed a plush pink puppy and instantly hand it off to a group of CTHM friends of mine. This would go on from Lacson to Lover's Lane until the AB building. A bit of random things that can be seen in UST at the time.

Now we get to the good parts.

"One day soon / I won't be the one who waits on you"

As this part of the song plays, four ninjas surround me asking I reach the Plaza Mayor. Like a fight scene action movie, of course, they charge one at a time. I hit one guy with a punch; hit another guy with a back elbow; superkick the third guy. The fourth guy charges and I catch him with a spinebuster. The logistics of taking a bump on concrete isn't very feasible but hey, it's for a project.

"Someday soon / I won't be the one who waits on you"

The first guy who was hit with a punch stands up then I kick him in the gut and give him a Pedigree, on concrete nonetheless.

There's a bit of a musical interlude before the next chorus starts which gives me time to fix my jacket, which I would obviously be wearing because that's my signature getup in UST.

"How come you don't want me now..."

The ninjas all slowly run away because the scene's over. It's meant to look phony.

As I reach the AB building, the rest of the chorus plays on a crescendo and I see dozens and dozens of students on the sidewalk walking from the Dapitan entrance, pass the AB building entrance, and towards the plaza mayor.

So it's two lines in this parade of students. One line is full of dudes in AB uniforms. They're walking beside alternating girls in AB uniforms and CTHM uniforms. So it's one guy walking beside an AB girl followed by another guy walking beside a CTHM girl.

"Tell me why you couldn't try, couldn't try and keep me here."

When the last lyric is sung, I turn my head to the left and there's no one around. No one in the pavilions. No one walking on the sidewalk. No one nearby. It was all in my head after all. Cut to black.

Why this song though? Well, several reasons. The title alone is self-explanatory. "How Come You Don't Want Me" is a question I asked internally. After being bullshitted by Sheena, who the AB girls in the video would represent, I constantly asked that question because for once, I didn't like her for her looks. I constantly asked it again when Krisly, who the CTHM girls in the video would represent, decided to not be a friend anymore and ask "WHY DOES EVERYONE FALL IN LOVE WITH ME? UGH!"

That fight scene would symbolize my frustration at how things are going - It's all shit and it's always been shit. It's reminiscent of the music video for "Misery" by Maroon 5, but without the disturbing domestic violence on Adam Levine.

That parade of AB dudes walking with AB and CTHM girls alternately was to signify my jealousy on what I wanted. The idea came from a scene from the show "How I Met Your Mother" where Ted gets out of his apartment building and there's dozens of people under yellow umbrellas walking about. The yellow umbrellas signifies what Ted is looking for - his future wife. The huge line of couples signifies what I've lost and these are just phantoms or hallucinations. No, I didn't steal that from Metal Gear Solid V, which was released 3 years later. I don't need to create a time paradox here.

The ending of the video is basically me telling myself that "No, it's not gonna happen. Those extravagant fantasies won't happen and never will happen. Yes, you CAN like someone but she's not obligated to like you back, asshole."

That's about it. I can only create art if I had a whole bunch of money for therapy.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Salt Walking Fitness

"Oh, this one is probably about Krisly again, guys. Here we go again. He's being Tracer and getting that feeling of deja vu. Is it about how you still like her after all the time? Give it up, Ralphy. She'll only like you if you were rich because that's the kind of guy she likes, obviously, and nothing else."

Shut up, it's not. Surprisingly.

Lately I've been on an exercise kick and I've been using my salty mood to cope with it. I've lost a few pounds, gone down 2 suit sizes, and felt even less miserable than usual. There is a reason for that and it's not Krisly or Sheena for once. Yet it still girl problems.

I remember this girl who I had a huge crush on in 2015. Her name was Daniela. She used to work in the same mall when I worked for my first cellphone job. I remember the first thing I said to her - "You look dead inside". Facetiously, of course, otherwise that'd be mean.

Two years later, I see her in the same bus. I thought I was over her but goddamn it, looking at her made my infatuation with her return. It's like I'm back to 2015 again. Cue the chorus of "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" by Meat Loaf.

Two months later, I get called in to work early. I could've easily said no but I didn't mind. The song "Downtown Train" by Bob Seger was playing from my phone as I was ready to get off the bus. I then see her from the bus's windshield.

I thought I was hallucinating. Phantoms in my line of sight, I thought. I got walked up the escalator past her as she stood on the step slowly rising to catch a glimpse of her face. I got on the platform and waited for her to go up the escalator too. The chorus of the song played as she saw me.

"Will I see you tonight on a downtown train?"

Sure enough, I wasn't dreaming. She looked gorgeous as ever. We talked like we did before as if we were still working at the same mall.

Before the train arrived at my stop, I asked, "Hey, would you like to hang out sometime and catch up?"

"Oh, absolutely, Ralph! That sounds fun. Here's my number," is what I thought she would say if I could manipulate reality or turn back time to get the right answer. Max Caulfield, I am not. Life is not strange, sadly.

I expected a few different answers as well:

- "No, I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend."

- "Sorry, I'm not into guys anymore."

- "I'm actually into your friend Elisa. Here she is in my suitcase because she's a small dumpling."

- "Why don't you just drop dead?" 

- "It is just a dream. It is all a dream. I am in it, and you are in it too. I am the dreamer, but you are having my dream. Do you get it now? [...] Our wishes do not come true. We just cling on to our dreams, our phantoms. Mine and yours."

Any of those would've sufficed. Instead, she said, "Oh I don't know when I'll be able to get the time."

Fair enough, I thought. I mean, it has been a while since she's seen me and she's probably too busy being miss popular while I'm just another guy in the phonebook of dudes who like her. "So I'll just add you again on Facebook and we can talk there." Because I really did wanna see her again.

"I know I still have you on Facebook."

"You don't actually," I said. I know this because I saw that she had deleted me a few years ago.

"I do. Just send me a message and I'll get back to you," she said. Then I had to get off the train at my stop.

She never did get back to me.

Remember when I just said that I wanted to see her again? That was quickly thrown out the train window.

Then the overthinking set in. I'm not good enough to be told no? That's bullshit. And it's even more bullshit because I can easily take a no. I'll internalize it as I've been doing for 7 years with other girls before because god forbid, there's another option. I'll internalize the hell out of it. Maybe I'm not doing a good job of internalizing by writing about it but I'm really good at keeping it to myself in person.

So I started walking and jogging in a salty mood. I've jogged for at least 2 hours a day now. Motivating me is my bitterness and salty mood about it. "Oh I don't know when I'll ever get the time"? Don't sugarcoat it. Just tell me no. Be honest with me. I know they're all the girls who all the boys want to dance with but you can't blame a guy for trying. Krisly wasn't honest with me; she just overreacted like an idiot. Sheena was never honest with me. Now Daniela's gonna do the same and give me a convoluted reason like not know when she'll get the time. I don't blame them for being themselves but they can't blame me for hating it.

That's my motivation for exercising. Not being good enough to be told no by someone who I considered a friend is absolute bullshit.

Monday, July 9, 2018

Birthday birthday birthday!

I know birthday wishes aren't a thing anymore once you're past a certain age but maybe I can do some birthday wishful thinking (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? WORDPLAY and it's not just the name of my Coldplay cover band.)

What would I wish for anyway? I already bought Chvrches concert tickets for September and 3 snazzy dress shirts. Maybe I need is a new phone to add to the collection. Like a few women, my Oppo F5 isn't living up to my expectations and I wanna go back to the honeymoon period (I NAMED MY OPPO F5 'DANIELA' AFTER THIS GIRL I LIKED AND I REGRET IT, SHUT UP. KRISLY WHO?).

Happiness? Too vague, bollocks to that.

What do I count as happiness anyway? Wishing for pop singer Hailee Steinfeld to give me a high five or a fist bump? SURE, but then I won't have to wash my hand for the next 26 years. I'm always Starving for her! (Wordplay!) Wish I could be friends with a doppelganger of her instead.

This is where I would probably write "I still miss  (insert either Krisly or Daniela here) and I'll never get over it as usual and there's no one else for me! *sob sob*" but no, I'm not gonna do that because I have bills to pay and suits to sell. I'm 26 now. Gotta grow old with money. I appreciate simple things and crippling depression from unrequited love isn't simple at all.

Birthday greetings are always nice and simple. I always appreciate them, regardless of social link level. I got several from work, even a phone call from one of the managers singing me Happy Birthday through the phone. The hotdog drawing was hilariously charming so that made my morning better.

All I got on my birthday last year was heat from my old Walmart manager for selling prepaid plans instead of a crappy overpriced plans with 500 minutes and 1 gig of data for $100. "You got me stress and hatred for this job for my birthday? You shouldn't have! ...No, really, you shouldn't have."

I always like a small, manageable amount of birthday greetings on Facebook. There was a point where I got over 150 people posting birthday greetings on my timeline and I only knew about 50 of them. Imagine trying not to copy-paste 'Thank you' over and over again.

Maybe, just MAYBE, I still cling on to wish of going to the Philippines with no emotional baggage whatsoever. The last time I was there, I had shitty friends and one okay friend from across the world messaging me about stuff. I fought with my now-former best friend online because she's a big hypocrite. Bleh. I'll be back in the Philippines and not have bullshit bothering me.

Oh, I bought suspenders too. I wear suspenders now.