April 18, 2017

Re: Suicide Status Update

I love my friends and all but sometimes they just say some of the most inane stuff online. Not saying suicide is inane but a status update is ticking me off. I'll just rephrase it.

"So take some time to listen to people who might be reaching out to you when they're trying not to kill themselves and you don't even realize it. You could be the reason why they live."

Motherfucker, I've been trying to do that to you and all of our friends for the past 4 years I've been here but I've just been getting ignored because fuck me, right? Fuck the friend in Canada who you said you'd all miss. Fuck that guy who had the time and money to send one of our friends a gift from Canada all the way to wasteland Philippines JUST BECAUSE he wanted to make a friend happy and that same friend never bothered talking to him again. Fuck that guy who's trying to reconnect friendships with classmates from days gone by and didn't even get invited to hang out by a majority of these "friends who'll miss him" when said friend just so happened to visit. Fuck that guy, right?

I see the thought and I can appreciate that, but really, when someone comes to talk to you on the brink of easily killing themselves and you "don't realize it" because you're too busy to even chat with someone, maybe it's best to not tell others that you'll listen.

It's social media activism all over again. You can easily say "I'm always open to listen" but when someone talks, none of you listen. Because god knows, we need more deaf ears.

April 9, 2017

Call me maybe

Personally, I somehow think I'll get seen by journalists and reported in the Philippine news. “UST alumnus commits suicide in Canada” the headline would say. They'll check my journal, looking for an answer. “He's been writing some serious stuff.” They most likely won't look for a psychological investigation unless they wanna dig through my Instagram, my Facebook, or my blog. “The name ‘Krisly’ had been seen in his diary and his blog so that name could be a factor, whoever this Krisly girl is,” even though that's just golden horse shit.

They report this in the Philippine news and it'll probably shock everyone I knew for about 27 seconds until they switch the channel and see entertainment news on which celebrity is fucking whom because that's how it is there. Like how UST students have committed suicide in or near campus and they were all forgotten immediately. They didn't even release the names because it'll affect the shitty University of Santo Tomas name apparently.

"Oh, I remember him! He was funny! We were friends!" the non-friend would say.

Distant friends from university would say “I wish I could have helped him”. But they didn't. They only say that to seem sympathetic but if they really were, they'd have said hi. 

“If I only knew that he had these problems!” they'd say. “But he was such a happy person!” That's just them trying to act surprised when in reality, they're just trying to get sympathy points and Facebook likes. If they really did, they'd have said hello once in a while.

“I would've listened!” they'd say. “He could still be here today!” acting as if they're situation-changing saints.

I'll probably be the first person to commit suicide and get it fully blamed on himself really.

Other friends

The other old friends don't care anyway. The same ones who said the class "won't be the same" or "they'll miss you" but when you say hello to them, they just give you the finger and turn around.

Not one hello. Not one 'how are you'. Just insincere birthday greetings on Facebook followed by another year of being an afterthought.

"Maybe be a better friend then--"

Motherfucker, I'm trying. Why should I be a good friend to you if you're not one to me?

You know how to contact me. I'm everywhere now. I'm not hard to get a hold of anymore. It's just initiating the conversation that's the problem. But whatever, these "friends" can die for all I care. Won't miss them. Dead to me anyway like I've been to them.

They never said hello in 4 years anyway.

No one does.

Even if it's just pretend

Hindsight is quite a bitch when the girl you liked is an even bigger one. Maybe I just want someone to write about me in a way I write about her. Good or bad. I don't know really. I never really will.

I've always said, when a writer falls in love with you, you will never die. Congratulations to her for being immortalized then, that's my fault. Good for her then. Everyone gets immortalized by anyone. When's it my turn? No? Still mortal? Okay. Always have been, always will be.

Not good enough to be written about. For anyone really. Hence why I'm stuck in the past as always.

Say you'll see me again even if it's just pretend.

Even if it's just pretend.

April 8, 2017

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I miss the view, man. When everything was so much better.

I wish I was better at what I do back then.