Friday, August 10, 2018

Salt Walking Fitness

"Oh, this one is probably about Krisly again, guys. Here we go again. He's being Tracer and getting that feeling of deja vu. Is it about how you still like her after all the time? Give it up, Ralphy. She'll only like you if you were rich because that's the kind of guy she likes, obviously, and nothing else."

Shut up, it's not. Surprisingly.

Lately I've been on an exercise kick and I've been using my salty mood to cope with it. I've lost a few pounds, gone down 2 suit sizes, and felt even less miserable than usual. There is a reason for that and it's not Krisly or Sheena for once. Yet it still girl problems.

I remember this girl who I had a huge crush on in 2015. Her name was Daniela. She used to work in the same mall when I worked for my first cellphone job. I remember the first thing I said to her - "You look dead inside". Facetiously, of course, otherwise that'd be mean.

Two years later, I see her in the same bus. I thought I was over her but goddamn it, looking at her made my infatuation with her return. It's like I'm back to 2015 again. Cue the chorus of "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" by Meat Loaf.

Two months later, I get called in to work early. I could've easily said no but I didn't mind. The song "Downtown Train" by Bob Seger was playing from my phone as I was ready to get off the bus. I then see her from the bus's windshield.

I thought I was hallucinating. Phantoms in my line of sight, I thought. I got walked up the escalator past her as she stood on the step slowly rising to catch a glimpse of her face. I got on the platform and waited for her to go up the escalator too. The chorus of the song played as she saw me.

"Will I see you tonight on a downtown train?"

Sure enough, I wasn't dreaming. She looked gorgeous as ever. We talked like we did before as if we were still working at the same mall.

Before the train arrived at my stop, I asked, "Hey, would you like to hang out sometime and catch up?"

"Oh, absolutely, Ralph! That sounds fun. Here's my number," is what I thought she would say if I could manipulate reality or turn back time to get the right answer. Max Caulfield, I am not. Life is not strange, sadly.

I expected a few different answers as well:

- "No, I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend."

- "Sorry, I'm not into guys anymore."

- "I'm actually into your friend Elisa. Here she is in my suitcase because she's a small dumpling."

- "Why don't you just drop dead?" 

- "It is just a dream. It is all a dream. I am in it, and you are in it too. I am the dreamer, but you are having my dream. Do you get it now? [...] Our wishes do not come true. We just cling on to our dreams, our phantoms. Mine and yours."

Any of those would've sufficed. Instead, she said, "Oh I don't know when I'll be able to get the time."

Fair enough, I thought. I mean, it has been a while since she's seen me and she's probably too busy being miss popular while I'm just another guy in the phonebook of dudes who like her. "So I'll just add you again on Facebook and we can talk there." Because I really did wanna see her again.

"I know I still have you on Facebook."

"You don't actually," I said. I know this because I saw that she had deleted me a few years ago.

"I do. Just send me a message and I'll get back to you," she said. Then I had to get off the train at my stop.

She never did get back to me.

Remember when I just said that I wanted to see her again? That was quickly thrown out the train window.

Then the overthinking set in. I'm not good enough to be told no? That's bullshit. And it's even more bullshit because I can easily take a no. I'll internalize it as I've been doing for 7 years with other girls before because god forbid, there's another option. I'll internalize the hell out of it. Maybe I'm not doing a good job of internalizing by writing about it but I'm really good at keeping it to myself in person.

So I started walking and jogging in a salty mood. I've jogged for at least 2 hours a day now. Motivating me is my bitterness and salty mood about it. "Oh I don't know when I'll ever get the time"? Don't sugarcoat it. Just tell me no. Be honest with me. I know they're all the girls who all the boys want to dance with but you can't blame a guy for trying. Krisly wasn't honest with me; she just overreacted like an idiot. Sheena was never honest with me. Now Daniela's gonna do the same and give me a convoluted reason like not know when she'll get the time. I don't blame them for being themselves but they can't blame me for hating it.

That's my motivation for exercising. Not being good enough to be told no by someone who I considered a friend is absolute bullshit.

Monday, July 9, 2018

Birthday birthday birthday!

I know birthday wishes aren't a thing anymore once you're past a certain age but maybe I can do some birthday wishful thinking (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? WORDPLAY and it's not just the name of my Coldplay cover band.)

What would I wish for anyway? I already bought Chvrches concert tickets for September and 3 snazzy dress shirts. Maybe I need is a new phone to add to the collection. Like a few women, my Oppo F5 isn't living up to my expectations and I wanna go back to the honeymoon period (I NAMED MY OPPO F5 'DANIELA' AFTER THIS GIRL I LIKED AND I REGRET IT, SHUT UP. KRISLY WHO?).

Happiness? Too vague, bollocks to that.

What do I count as happiness anyway? Wishing for pop singer Hailee Steinfeld to give me a high five or a fist bump? SURE, but then I won't have to wash my hand for the next 26 years. I'm always Starving for her! (Wordplay!) Wish I could be friends with a doppelganger of her instead.

This is where I would probably write "I still miss  (insert either Krisly or Daniela here) and I'll never get over it as usual and there's no one else for me! *sob sob*" but no, I'm not gonna do that because I have bills to pay and suits to sell. I'm 26 now. Gotta grow old with money. I appreciate simple things and crippling depression from unrequited love isn't simple at all.

Birthday greetings are always nice and simple. I always appreciate them, regardless of social link level. I got several from work, even a phone call from one of the managers singing me Happy Birthday through the phone. The hotdog drawing was hilariously charming so that made my morning better.

All I got on my birthday last year was heat from my old Walmart manager for selling prepaid plans instead of a crappy overpriced plans with 500 minutes and 1 gig of data for $100. "You got me stress and hatred for this job for my birthday? You shouldn't have! ...No, really, you shouldn't have."

I always like a small, manageable amount of birthday greetings on Facebook. There was a point where I got over 150 people posting birthday greetings on my timeline and I only knew about 50 of them. Imagine trying not to copy-paste 'Thank you' over and over again.

Maybe, just MAYBE, I still cling on to wish of going to the Philippines with no emotional baggage whatsoever. The last time I was there, I had shitty friends and one okay friend from across the world messaging me about stuff. I fought with my now-former best friend online because she's a big hypocrite. Bleh. I'll be back in the Philippines and not have bullshit bothering me.

Oh, I bought suspenders too. I wear suspenders now.

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Britton Baggage

No, I'm not talking about giving my luggage a name. This wouldn't be one of my most coherent posts. It's just me venting about what happened with my once-friend Britton

Monday, June 18, 2018

Philippines 2018 - Two Seats For Me

Before going to the Philippines, I remember being miserable. I was going through some stupid stuff like... emotions and stress from work. I got drunk two nights before my flight on vodka and Coke Zero because I had too much on my mind. I wish I had cranberry juice instead but hey, I mixed what I had. Strangely, the lack of hangover made me watch PewDiePie videos on my PS4.

Drunken mess aside, I wanted to go to the Philippines to be happy and not miserable if that made any sense. My mother and my sister couldn't go for reasons beyond their control so it was just me and my brother on the flight. We had to cancel the first set of tickets we had booked with China Airlines, which means we booked more expensive tickets with Cathay Pacific. We're big dudes and we had a row close to the window. 

Sadly, there were three seats in the row so I had to sit beside some old guy who was miserable. "They're too big!" he said after slapping my leg multiple times. "I need to go to Perth and I need my sleep!"

So I thought, "Well, motherfucker, I can just knock you out with a punch or a superkick and then we'll both get some peace and quiet." Then I questioned why my go-to move was a superkick. I don't care about what he has to go through, it's not my problem, and it's no reason to hit my leg and whine that you don't have enough room. That's what first class is for.

Well, why not?

To be honest, I was expecting to get a bump to first class just because there's extra room there. "Sir, this whiny old man is being cranky so would you like to get upgraded to first class for free?" The alternative was good enough though.

The general rule for seat changes is you ask the flight attendants nicely after the plane door has been shut. Once the plane door is shut, no one else can get in the tin can that's about to fly. Before takeoff, the whining old guy was asked to be seated at the first row. Sure he got leg room but the problem was that there was a family with a crying baby next to him and babies usually cry in flights because they have no sense of where they are.

Taken with the LG V20's wide angle camera

So for 13 hours, I had two seats just for me while my brother got the window seat that he always loved. It was like flying first class because I had so much room. The tables were great for my tablet and phones.

I haven't been on an airplane in years so seeing USB ports on the small monitors attached to the seats made me scream "OH MY GOD!" internally. The idea was there but the execution was not that well. When charging a phone through a wall outlet, the USB adapter would charge at a decent rate, giving you around 4 hours of charging time. The USB ports for the monitors charged really slow to the point where I actually lost two percent of my LG V20's battery life as it was charging, which made no sense. It wasn't much of a big deal since I came prepared for my phone's battery life dying early on by bringing in two more phones - namely a Moto G5 Plus and an HTC One A9. Sure enough, I had to rely on the Moto phone for the rest of the remaining 10 hours. 

The best thing about having two seats for myself was sleeping during the flight. It was the most comfortable I've ever been since I had so much room that I can lean like a sack of potatoes to a barn wall.

The meals were surprisingly good for airline quality. Other airlines I've flown with had below average food at best. Cathay Pacific's food actually tasted like food. It even came with ice cream, which was a nice surprise. When I last flew with China Airlines, there weren't many meals given. In Cathay Pacific, there was lunch, dinner, and cup noodles by request. I requested around five of those cup noodles because it's free and I just wanted to eat for the entire flight.

The only hassle about flying to the Philippines was the connecting flight and this was no exception. I didn't have much time to look around the Hong Kong airport because I only had an hour to spare before my next flight. It didn't help that the next terminal was further than expected so I had to rush. The lines for the security check didn't help matters at all and made me just wanna buy my own plane.

The connecting flight from Hong Kong to the Philippines was wonderful because there weren't a lot of people inside the plane which meant my brother and I were able to secure another row of seats for ourselves. It was another comfortable 3-hour flight or so. The food, however, was terrible. It was some sort of chicken pastry that I had never eaten before and would definitely not eat again. 

From the blog "Where is FatBoy?" (surprisingly not me)
Arriving in the Philippines was like waking up from a hazy dream. I was questioning myself if I were really there. It's been 3 years since I had last gone there. I didn't feel enthusiastic about it. Maybe I was just exhausted from a long plane ride. Maybe I just wanted a direct flight to avoid connecting flights altogether. Maybe I was just expecting to see familiar faces as soon as I got out of the plane.

I was home. That's what mattered most.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Philippines 2018 - "Always"

"Always" was the word.
I'd always like her, regardless. Because no matter what, she'll always be on my mind.

"After all this time?"
I never watched any of the Harry Potter movies. I always saw them as not my kind of movies. That piece of dialogue is the only thing I like from the movies.

When I went to the Philippines last January, that was the key word on my mind - 'always'. I'll always go to the Robinson's Magnolia. I'll always go to UST. I will always go to Greenhills and V-Mall. And I'll always look for her.

I always hated myself for making that stupid mistake years ago that cost me a friend. It'll always suck because I keep thinking "She's always going to hate you. She's always going to see you as nobody."

So, after constantly trying to forget her and whatever "moving on" is supposed to be (I hear it's great!); after the countless number times I thought no one would ever live up to what she and I never had; after all the years trying to get her out of your mind but at the same time, get her to be in your life again somehow; after all this time?