Dates

Of course, I still haven't met anyone. Are you crazy? If I meet someone, I'm sure she'll tell me to delete my blog and such. 

The women I like would never like me back and the ones who I do try to date are, for a lack of a better word, "crazy". Honestly, it's hard. I've said it before: the ones I've had a connection with either left, gone crazy, been toxic, or just ran away.

There were two that have been the worst and they stand out.

I was so close to meeting up with one girl. She had already scheduled a babysitter for her kid and we were gonna get ramen after work.  Then she said we weren't compatible because of our horoscopes so she canceled. I honestly don't know how that works so I was just confused.

There was also a girl who I thought I had a good rapport with until she told me her prices. You know, how much to do whichever. That was just disappointing, to be honest.

Maybe I'm just broken after what happened recently. Maybe this is as close as I get to anything. 

Feb 26

When your brain is on autopilot, you have a choice of letting it continue on or you take back control.

Do I regret attempting? In a way, no, but I wish it hadn't had to come to this. 

I spent the whole morning in the psychiatry unit, unsure of what was happening to the outside world. I just kept on apologizing to every nurse who helped me. They said that's what they're there for but I still felt like their efforts were wasted on me. The psych nurse said it was both a good thing and a bad thing that I thought about others this way.

Thankfully I'm getting the help I need. I don't know how long it takes for me to be okay again. I feel like I'm dangling by a thread.

Be Positive

 I've tested positive for Covid recently.

I now want to hallucinate that I'm on a beach, meeting people from my past like in Grey's Anatomy. 

How To Save a Life

I've watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy, I admit. Well, up until my last favorite character had left in season 16 and I was stuck with the weird ones I didn't like as much. Anyway, I'll admit I never considered watching it until I started watching it with a girl I liked. Well, I liked her, she didn't like me at all, so I just watched it on my own (Screw you, Rebecca.)

When I'm feeling depressed, I admit that I've imagined myself being resuscitated by paramedics. It's one of the few scenarios I think about. Like, I collapse at work, paramedics come, and in my head is just this song and as dramatic as it sounds, I'm just seeing all the women I've had feelings for. It just makes me realize that I'm alone until the end.

No, I'm not happy for you

Something that really, really gets to me is that I have to be happy for some people. I don't want to be happy for certain people who've hurt me or have discarded our friendship for someone else. I know it's petty but I prefer to deal with it that way instead of faking a smile.

No, I'm not happy you found someone. I'm not happy you met someone online. I'm not happy you're spending time with them. I'm not happy you only talk to me when your boyfriend isn't around and you're bored. I'm not happy you're revolving your life on this new relationship when in reality, you've just shut off your social circle.

No, I'm not happy for you.