Marie and Erin

"All those bright and shining companions! ...But not anymore?"

The Doctor: No.

"If I may ask, why not?"

The Doctor: They leave. Because they should, or they find someone else. And some of them, some of them... forget me. I suppose, in the end... They break my heart.

I'll admit I'm not a good person to keep around. Sometimes I just like saying things out to the universe to keep me sane because it's better than keeping it all inside. So this is one of those times.

I'm not gonna say anything new about friendship - I know I'm bad at it - but I do miss my friends from time to time.

I used to have a good friend named Marie. A really good friend. I called her my person. I know it didn't end on the best of terms but I really do get reminded of her sometimes. When I was in the psych ward, I remember I missed Marie. I missed my old best friend who can talk me out of doing horrible things to others and to myself. I felt like I failed her again.

There are instances where you meet someone new and they remind you of someone you've lost. I've had that multiple times and I like to think it's the universe telling me to try again this time but do it better, don't do anything wrong, and try to avoid the same mistakes. I met a classmate named Erin and she was fantastic. Quiet but fantastic because she made me feel good about myself.

She had to drop out of the course because of personal reasons. When I lost contact with Erin, I felt it was Marie all over. It still stings.

Erin listened to me about a lot of things. She listened when I told her about my infatuation with my classmate. I would say "oh my god, Jamie doesn't reply. What the hell?" but she said she still wished things could be better. "I ship you and Jamie" she once said. And that's when I knew I had a friend who's worth keeping around because she supported my stupid crush. It felt nice to be validated rather than "she's too pretty for you". Erin felt like someone I could talk to about what I could've done in progressing this social link with Jamie. I always knew it wasn't going to happen but Erin humored me but made me feel optimistic about it.

Honestly, Erin reminded me of Marie. She was there to listen and I gave her the right to open up to me. I felt good about myself because someone saw me as a good person and it felt nice. Erin listened to me when I opened up and I listened to her when she had problems. I really wanted to be there for her. I really wanted to keep her around for years to come because oh my god, it's a new friend.

 

In the end, that's all we're left with. Moments. Memories. Things left unsaid.

Everybody leaves and it's always sad. Everybody moves on. Mostly from me.

Ah well...

Rebecca

Look, I know you're never gonna read this but this is more for me and it's something I just need to say into the ether. Let me be selfish for once and let me not do things to make you happy. Because I really was happy to know you. And I won't forget the nights in New West. I wonder if it could've been so much more.

I only contacted you again recently to see if you were single. But you're not. And you're married now. And I couldn't accept that and have you in my life again at the same time because I know I'd be jealous.

Yet, I did miss you for a time. You taught me a lot about responsibility and accountability. You taught me a lot about what women go through and you taught me to be a better person. You got me into Grey's Anatomy. Without you, I wouldn't have binged 16 seasons of the show. I enjoyed watching it with you and I'll never forget that.

That's how I want to remember you. The girl I really liked who I enjoyed meeting up at the pier in New West. The girl who at one point would drop everything for because I wanted to cheer you up. Everything was okay because I was talking to you. That's all I have now.

I'm genuinely... not happy for you. I'm not happy for you at all. I'm not happy you're married. That's the selfish part of me. I could say that I am happy and "I wish you and your American husband the best" but I'm not because I don't feel that at all. I'm not happy for you, as petty and selfish and bitter as it is. I genuinely had feelings for you you but sometimes things aren't meant to be and the storyline doesn't play out. 

To paraphrase a Doctor, I just wanted you to see me. You never saw me. You looked at me and you couldn't see me. Do you have any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone anymore. I was right there. Standing in front of you, telling you "Please just see me."

Clearly, that was a mistake on my part because I'm not allowed to be happy. I'm selfish, I know.

Goodbye, Rebecca.

From Getting That Judging Look Last Wednesday

Classmates, I'd like to thank you for welcoming me with open arms but... you didn't.

I remember last Wednesday and I got no eye contact when I said hello to the useless blonde hairballs I call classmates. I remember walking in, saying hello to one of them and I get a judging look for no reason. So I see how it is.

If you all are at fault, fuck you. If you're not, I apologize.

What did I ever do in this world to deserve empty-headed, hollow, indifferent, fucking dumb fuck classmates to not acknowledge me? For what? Not a goddamn thing. 

I'm old, I'm tired, I'm depressed, and I work with children.

Yes, this is my media scrum.

That's Gotta Be Cane

 "So Ralphy, why are you walking with a cane this week?"

I'm glad you asked, Ralph! I did cool guy shit and I'm paying for it.

So in front of the college building I go to, there's a bench that's close to the sidewalk. I've always wanted to jump onto it and jump off because why not? Back story, I like how I dressed on that Monday. Suit jacket with a hoodie and a sport shirt, jeans, and dress shoes. 

I can already hear a black cat say "Looking cool, Joker!"

So I thought, "Why not? I look good. Let's do this." So I jump on the bench, then off it. Then BAM! Dress shoes don't really have a lot of bounce to them, wooden heel and all. There was a moment of regret there because I felt my left heel hurt for a bit. I thought I could walk it off for the rest of the day, even going to the mall and buying a new sport jacket too.

Going home, that's when I felt it. My left heel hurt like hell and I felt like I couldn't walk. I knew that I wouldn't walk as well as I wanted without some support. So I bought a cane.

Cool guy getting cool guy things

The cane that I chose was buried under a batch of ugly floral or camouflaged canes that would look so out of place anywhere with anyone under the age of 95. Even the elderly from the 70's would say "tone it back on the color, maaaaan!" 

Honestly, I loved using it. I mean, it was still painful as hell but I felt cool using it. With the cane, I wanted to match it with outfits and get a good look out of it. Simply using a cane with a hoodie and sweatpants looks like I'm just too fat to walk. With an overcoat, it just feels class, or may I say, cool dude shit.

"Bring me the Batman!"

A classmate of mine said I looked like The Penguin from the Batman comics, which I still find cool, surprisingly. All I needed was a monocle and I'm set!

So yes, that's my story of why I walked with a cane for a week. Cool guy shit.

For The People I Knew

Lately, it's not been good socially. With school happening and work on the weekends, I can admit I haven't been social and getting new social links nowadays. Classmates are good, not great, I'll admit. Friendships could be better but I don't know. I'm a slow starter. It's not always clicking as it once did with certain people.

Speaking of certain people, the phrase "people come and go" come to heart. Personally, it's hard for me to keep people around. I admit I'm not a good person. I'm trying. I really am. And I don't know how to get better at it. A part of me is good at self-sabotage, ruining things easily because I feel like I don't deserve good things. I thought this part of me had been suppressed because I'm too good at suppressing emotions until they burst out. Thank you, Vancouver Community College 6th floor stairwell, for being my safe space. I refer to it as "my stairwell" during counseling.

If Grey's Anatomy has elevators, Ralphy has the stairwell

It's easy to tell someone they do good. It's easy to tell someone that they're a good person. The hard part is that person has to believe it. That person has to understand that all they do is good and that people are right.

I've lost people. And surely, I'll keep losing people. It doesn't get easier. It just hurts less and you get used to it. But it doesn't stop.