Monday, May 13, 2013

Ralph's Writing Collection - Rules of Being Single

(Taken from my Tumblr blog.)

Being single doesn’t always have to be depressing. It’s not actually. You can exaggerate that it’s depressing but in reality, it’s only depressing only if you allow yourself to get depressed.

If you’re the emotional guy who can’t stand being single but don’t want to shoot yourself in the head (because guns and ammo are a little pricey), fear not!

To make it much more interesting, single folks, I’ve concocted several rules for the single guy. You can choose not to follow them but that would just like be going to a buffet and getting only a slice of bread. Dude, splurge!

1. Every day is another opportunity to be awesome. To quote the 12 Stones song “We Are One”: ‘The only easy day was yesterday’. Take advantage of everyday because no commitment is holding you down, dude. No ball and chain attached to your leg. Go wild and consume all the alcoholic drinks your can get your hands on. Who’s gonna stop you? Your imaginary girlfriend? HA! (Although if you have one of those, try to get some psychiatric help. Alcohol alone won’t solve that. Or will it?)

If you wanna be awesome in a suave kind of way, suit up. What’s stopping you from wearing a suit, aside from the cost of dry cleaning? Hell, I wore a suit on Valentine’s Day as a symbol that says “Yeah, I’m single but that doesn’t stop me from dressing snazzy for this occasion!” I suited up and never felt not-awesome ever again. And the chicks were looking at me, not in a “What an idiot” way but in a “Hey, that guy’s kinda cute~” way. And for all I know, the chicks wanted me to be their valentine. Heh, maybe next year, girls.

2. Every couple is just another sad duo of sad emotional tension just waiting to burst sadly. See how many times the word ‘sad’ is in that rule? Because that’s what being in a relationship will bring you – sadness! Envy those couples that you see? Do you see them all holding hands and showing their affection? Ew. That’s their way of saying “Oh, we’re getting pretty insecure of each other so we’re just trying to show everyone that we care for each other.” Heh, what a façade. The only thing important in the word couple is that it contains two-thirds of the word “you”! Loneliness? Ha! Make that ‘awesomeness’.

When you see those couples kissing about and whatnot, just think that they only do that as a facade! In actuallity, they’re covering their sadness. See, there it is again! “Sadness”! No awesome guy would want that in their life.

And since we’re on the topic of couples, just ignore them blatantly. You’re better off without them. Well, one of them. The more, the merrier, as they say (whoever “they” are). Why settle for one girl when you can settle for a dozen? Not at the same time or else you’ll get asthma. Try to settle for three at a time in one night. You’ll know your limit, if you know what I mean. ;)

3. Love songs are for the weak! You’d think that people have had enough of all these silly love songs. I look around me and I see it isn’t so! Sorry, I just remembered that Paul McCartney song. Anyway, never listen to the love songs for the meaning. Just listen to it as you would with any meaningless song like “DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love” or “Give Peace a Chance”. Something of those sorts.

If the song doesn’t have a catchy tone, don’t listen to it. So songs like “All Out of Love” and “Total Eclipse of the Heart” are alright. The latter song’s too much to memorize anyway. But regardless, don’t get caught up with the lyrics! You don’t have to be emotional. You’re gonna be emotional for whom anyway? No one! Just you and your totally cool self. And your totally cool self wouldn’t want to see you get mushy all over your totally cool suit.

4. Every cute girl you see is taken, no matter what the situation is. This is to prevent you from going off the wagon because why would you want to end your bachelorhood immediately? If you ever see a cute girl, just think “She has a boyfriend. No need to go after her.” Girlfriends are for the emotionally needy. If you’re single, you’re strong and totally independent. Why else would you be single?

Here’s a fun way of doing this rule – a drinking game. For every cute girl you see, take a shot. For every ugly girl you see, down the whole bottle. I guarantee you you’ll be wasted by the end of the day.

5. Finally, hang out with other single guys. Single guys deliver more fun because they most likely are not being down to earth and don’t give a crap about their “love lives”. And they probably are following these rules as well! Hell yeah!

Always remember the term “bros before hoes”. Perhaps an even better phrase would be “dudes before boobs”. Okay, that sounded better in my head. Anyway, “bros before hoes”! Girls may come and girls may go but bros would totally hang out with you no matter what.

Now buddies, when you want to enjoy being single, just follow these rules. Getting a girlfriend is not what it’s all about.