Friday, August 10, 2018

Salt Walking Fitness

"Oh, this one is probably about Krisly again, guys. Here we go again. He's being Tracer and getting that feeling of deja vu. Is it about how you still like her after all the time? Give it up, Ralphy. She'll only like you if you were rich because that's the kind of guy she likes, obviously, and nothing else."

Shut up, it's not. Surprisingly.

Lately I've been on an exercise kick and I've been using my salty mood to cope with it. I've lost a few pounds, gone down 2 suit sizes, and felt even less miserable than usual. There is a reason for that and it's not Krisly or Sheena for once. Yet it still girl problems.

I remember this girl who I had a huge crush on in 2015. Her name was Daniela. She used to work in the same mall when I worked for my first cellphone job. I remember the first thing I said to her - "You look dead inside". Facetiously, of course, otherwise that'd be mean.

Two years later, I see her in the same bus. I thought I was over her but goddamn it, looking at her made my infatuation with her return. It's like I'm back to 2015 again. Cue the chorus of "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" by Meat Loaf.

Two months later, I get called in to work early. I could've easily said no but I didn't mind. The song "Downtown Train" by Bob Seger was playing from my phone as I was ready to get off the bus. I then see her from the bus's windshield.


I thought I was hallucinating. Phantoms in my line of sight, I thought. I got walked up the escalator past her as she stood on the step slowly rising to catch a glimpse of her face. I got on the platform and waited for her to go up the escalator too. The chorus of the song played as she saw me.

"Will I see you tonight on a downtown train?"

Sure enough, I wasn't dreaming. She looked gorgeous as ever. We talked like we did before as if we were still working at the same mall.

Before the train arrived at my stop, I asked, "Hey, would you like to hang out sometime and catch up?"

"Oh, absolutely, Ralph! That sounds fun. Here's my number," is what I thought she would say if I could manipulate reality or turn back time to get the right answer. Max Caulfield, I am not. Life is not strange, sadly.

I expected a few different answers as well:

- "No, I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend."

- "Sorry, I'm not into guys anymore."

- "I'm actually into your friend Elisa. Here she is in my suitcase because she's a small dumpling."

- "Why don't you just drop dead?" 

- "It is just a dream. It is all a dream. I am in it, and you are in it too. I am the dreamer, but you are having my dream. Do you get it now? [...] Our wishes do not come true. We just cling on to our dreams, our phantoms. Mine and yours."

Any of those would've sufficed. Instead, she said, "Oh I don't know when I'll be able to get the time."

Fair enough, I thought. I mean, it has been a while since she's seen me and she's probably too busy being miss popular while I'm just another guy in the phonebook of dudes who like her. "So I'll just add you again on Facebook and we can talk there." Because I really did wanna see her again.

"I know I still have you on Facebook."

"You don't actually," I said. I know this because I saw that she had deleted me a few years ago.

"I do. Just send me a message and I'll get back to you," she said. Then I had to get off the train at my stop.

She never did get back to me.

Remember when I just said that I wanted to see her again? That was quickly thrown out the train window.

Then the overthinking set in. I'm not good enough to be told no? That's bullshit. And it's even more bullshit because I can easily take a no. I'll internalize it as I've been doing for 7 years with other girls before because god forbid, there's another option. I'll internalize the hell out of it. Maybe I'm not doing a good job of internalizing by writing about it but I'm really good at keeping it to myself in person.

So I started walking and jogging in a salty mood. I've jogged for at least 2 hours a day now. Motivating me is my bitterness and salty mood about it. "Oh I don't know when I'll ever get the time"? Don't sugarcoat it. Just tell me no. Be honest with me. I know they're all the girls who all the boys want to dance with but you can't blame a guy for trying. Krisly wasn't honest with me; she just overreacted like an idiot. Sheena was never honest with me. Now Daniela's gonna do the same and give me a convoluted reason like not know when she'll get the time. I don't blame them for being themselves but they can't blame me for hating it.

That's my motivation for exercising. Not being good enough to be told no by someone who I considered a friend is absolute bullshit.