July 9, 2014

At 22

I'm just writing all of this from the top of my head. I didn't plan on writing anything in the blog today but I just wanted to type this all out before it fades from my memory and I have to remember it in not-so-genuine fashion. I apologize in advance if this doesn't all make sense but it's what I'm thinking right now and I'm probably high on endorphins while drinking Sprite Zero.


Yes, it's my birthday today and I wanted to do something different. Instead of wanting to eat out and pig out, I wanted to exercise. What a surprise. I've spent 2 and a half hours jogging, sprinting, and walking (not at the same time, of course) around my neighborhood because I wanted to do at least feel good on my birthday.

I stopped at a park here and looked at the view. It was quiet. It was relaxing. The wind was just the right temperature. It wasn't humid at all like I'm used to in the Philippines. It was perfect. I felt like I had retired, despite turning 22 today. I've always said that after moving here to Canada last year that I felt like I'm retired. I've been away from my organizations that have made me feel stress and, at the same time, gratitude to be part of those organizations. I've been away from a ton of friends that I can no longer see on a daily basis. I've been away from my favorite places to eat near the old university. I've been away from the old university and I can't sit around at Lover's Lane and look at the field anymore.

My social skills have dwindled away. My vision for having a loving girlfriend and eventual wife is finally gone with the wind. I just wanna make money for 60 years and die in my sleep after all has been said and done. I felt empty and I've felt empty for a year now.

I wouldn't say that I've been depressed for two years now since February 2012 but I wouldn't deny it. I've been miserable a lot of times for stuff that happened in the past, especially with what happened in February 14, 2012. I can admit that I can no longer change it or apologize because that social link is broken permanently and it's never going to be fixed and we're both still at each other's throats to this day.

This led me to having no motivation to do anything anymore. I was an executive for an organization that I loved and I didn't do anything there. I was on my way to a literature degree and I just didn't want it anymore because I wanted to get away from the university. I wanted to get away from it all as far as I can.

It wasn't until sitting down on a bench at this park that I actually felt satisfied. Sitting at this park, looking at the trees, the sky, the distant mountains, I've finally felt that this was my life now. It was peaceful. It was like a breath of fresh Canadian air. No organizations to spend time in. No college buildings to see what's the latest events (that I'd just ignore). No College of Tourism and Hospitality Management to look at and be reminded of how much of an asshole I was. No UST. No Manila. I'm 6500 miles away from every one of my friends and enemies. I'm not happy with it but that doesn't mean I don't like it.