Ralph's Writing Collection - How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 33]

Okay, part 2 of this horrible saga. Yes, this is all in celebration of Valentine's Day. Woo hoo!


Original Title: How I Never Met Your Mother [Part 33] – The Plush Pink Puppy (Part 2)

Kids, December 15 of 2011 was the result of all the effort in trying to meet this girl I met online named Jill. Now the popular belief that meeting someone online would mean that the guy is a creep. I was not that guy. At least not yet but I'll get to that. I talked to Jill for almost three months, only getting to be sort of a close friend on November. I could say that because she said:

Jill: DON'T. EVER. BREAK. MY. TRUST.
[Inside, I was thinking...]
Ralph: Huh. I gained your trust? AWESOME!
[Outside, I was saying something else...]
Ralph: Don’t worry. I won’t. 
Jill: Good! You're like my close guy friend!

Jill and I were somehow getting along pretty well, at least that's the way I saw it. I wasn't entirely sure if she felt the same but you wouldn't really bother calling someone your "close guy friend" if you didn't really consider them as a friend, right?

...Right? Nah, forget it.

To keep that trust alive (at the time), I decided to get Jill a gift – a plush pink puppy. I consulted your aunts about this and they said it was alright. And Christmas season was a great reason to give her a gift personally. I had already bought my friends gifts to prevent them from thinking that I was putting them aside over some girl, which in fact was true.

I gave the gifts to some of my friends early and kept Jill’s in my locker. I didn't want to bring it along anywhere for no reason. I might lose it and everything would fall apart.

I had the gift but the next problem was getting Jill's schedule. I could have asked her for it but then I thought:

Ralph: No, I can't ask her for her schedule. That would ruin the surprise.

I had to think of something that would look like it's from a romantic comedy. For some reason, I wanted to do something different from what I usually do. Yes, it was stupid but I wanted to test it out for myself because I don't know if I would ever do something like that ever again. To actually do that, I needed Jill's schedule somehow, as creepy as it sounds. Was it creepy? Looking back, of course it was. Do I regret doing everything? Of course I do. But at the time, I was a huge risk taker and I didn't mind seeing what would happen regardless of whether or not it was good.

I actually had the gall to go to the Albertus Magnus building, to the CTHM dean's office, and ask for Jill's class schedule. Now, Jill somehow knew which city I lived in at the time - San Juan - but I never had that disclosed in my online profiles at all. So I thought it'd be fair game to use her online information as a way to surprise her. Luckily, her section number was on her profile so that made it easier.

I asked the student assistant who was at the CTHM dean's office for the information.

Ralph: Hi, I'm looking for a particular tourism class's schedule?
Student Assistant: Which section is that, sir?
Ralph: Uhhh... I think it's 2T1. I have a friend there.
Student Assistant: Alright, here you go. Room 104-A, 1-2.30pm. It's the room just outside.

I finally got her schedule. I honestly thought it would've been hard to do so because I thought that was confidential information that the College of Tourism and Hospitality Management would keep. But somehow, I got a schedule of a friend and a gift for her. I was actually starting to like this girl. Outside the Albertus Magnus building, I had to process everything at that moment. I was close to having a mental breakdown after all of these thoughts had started to come together.

Ralph: No... No! Goddamn it, why am I doing this again? No, no, no, no. It's not gonna end well. This isn't gonna end well at all. She's not gonna like you, Ralphy. No. She doesn't. You're a friend. Nothing more.

If there ever was a musical score for that event, it would be this.
There's no happy ending, so they say, not for me anyway.

But then I thought I'd just take the risk and see what happens because it'll be a good story to tell one day. If it doesn't end very well, fine, I'll admit it didn't go well and I basically destroyed any and all friendship I had with Jill and I'll probably just be miserable. I was fine with that. Maybe.

On the way back, I met a classmate that I never have spoken to for a year - your Aunt Camille. Since freshmen year, I haven't talked to her since I thought she was a glitch (or something that rhymes with that). Somehow, she and I had started talking and she mentioned that she had some friends in Jill's class.

Ralph: Funny that you should mention that. I was actually looking for her schedule today.
Camille: I can get it for you if you want, you stalker.

Right then and there, Camille and I had became the oddest of friends. I've always told her that if it weren't for Jill, she and I still wouldn't be friends to this day.

A few days later, Camille approached me and told me something.

Camille: Ralph, you're starting to like Jill, right?
Ralph: ...Yeah, what about her?
Camille: I heard from a couple of people there in Jill's class that she's actually bossy.
Ralph: Wait, really?
Camille: Yeah, they don't really like her that much.
Ralph: I don't know what to say actually since she's always been nice to me.
Camille: I'm just warning you about her so be careful.

It was odd to get a warning from Camille about Jill. It makes me think that she actually gathered information on the girl I like to keep an eye on things. That was so awesome of her.

If I could recall correctly, on December 15, Jill had a 1pm class in room 104-A. My classes ended at 1pm that day so I needed to rush out of my class as soon as I could before her class even started. The perfect opportunity to deliver it was December 15, the day before the annual Christmas event that the university had. The day before that event usually meant that the teachers would have their own Christmas parties and the students would have 4 hours of doing nothing.

I had the gift ready. The card was ready.  I had the schedule ready. There I was in several vacant classes with your Aunt Angel.

Angel: Did you really get anything for CTHM girl?
Ralph: Yeah.
Angel: What’d you get her?
Ralph: Remember when I asked you how to get a pink puppy?
Angel: Yeah. Oh wait, don’t tell me you actually got it.
Ralph: Yes, I got a puppy, dyed it pink, and it’s suffocating in my locker as we speak.

[Sarcasm’s flowing here. Sorry ‘bout that.]

With two hours before 1pm, I started to get nervous about finally seeing Jill by surprising her. I thought that it would be uncalled for, despite the sweetness and spontaneity of the gesture. 

Ralph: Oh my god, what if she doesn’t like the puppy? Or worse, what if she doesn’t like me?
Angel: Relax, relax! What’s the worse that could happen?
[A lot. She could hate me and think I’m a stalker.]
Ralph: How about I let my friend Camille give this to her?
Angel: What?! No! You can’t.
Ralph: She’ll know from the card. Why do I have to give this to Jill?
Angel: Because you have to.
Ralph: Yeah, I know, I know. Damn it.

After conversing with my friends in multiple vacant class periods, I knew I had to leave the classroom sooner or later. I had to give the pink puppy to Jill sooner rather than later.

Ralph: So, it’s 5 minutes before 1. I gotta go.
Angel: Good luck! Tell me how it went!
Ralph: I don't wanna go...
Angel: You know you have to.
Ralph: Yeah. I'm off. See you later.

The moment of truth, kids. I left the classroom with the gift and headed out to CTHM across the university. It was going to be something from a romantic comedy, except it was real. There's no happy ending, so they say. Not for me anyway.

(Ralph from 2014: You read the previous part here. You head on over to the next part right here.)